Eversince my mom and dad divorced when I was 6 he rarely called , stopped coming around, made promises he never kept stating he would visit me and never did so I stopped believing. He popped back up as far as calls when I was 13 then faded away again. now in my late 20' he's back again he says he will call one day then pops back up 2 weeks later then when I don't answer the phone he says ," omg I'm so worried I hate when you don't answer". Now that it's closer to fathers day he's been calling and texting more. I dont feel he deserves to be told happy fathers day.
Yes wish him happy fathers day
No he doesn't deserve it. Fathers day isn't for sperm donors it's for actual fathers
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+1 y
So he text me saying, "thanks for calling me saying happy father's day"
If your "father" was absent majority of your life and now he's just in and our. Would you wish him a happy father's day?
It seems he noticed your absent regards for him once a year but doesn’t recognize that he was absent for thousands of days doing what other fathers were, those fathers are then thanked on Father’s Day. He doesn’t really need you on Father’s Day, but you needed him for years when he wasn’t there. How can the absence of a few words once a year compare to the absence of a father for years? It doesn’t even compare.
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+1 y
I'm glad you get it. I didn't call him or text yesterday so he sends me a text saying , " thank you for wishing me a happy fathers day!" Like dude wtf after him and my mom divorced when I was in the 3rd grade he stopped coming around, made promises never showed, popped up here and there only 2x my mom had to beg him, he never went to any of my graduations, proms , nothing. Now that he's getting older and will need his kids to care for him he wants to have contact.
My mom was never in my life. She’s tried recently to meet my kids but will not get clean. I never wish the bitch a happy Mother’s Day but I do wish my dad and aunt one because they raised me
The problem for him is that when a child is an adult, at some point the dad's responsibilities diminish to almost zero. So what can he do to make up for all of the years when he should have been there for you? All he can do is show interest in your life more often during the year, I guess. It's going to be a drop in the bucket compared to what a good dad would've done for you between age 6 and say 25. There's no way he can make it all up.
That said, if he makes a genuine effort & not the fake stuff he's doing now, I'd cut him a lot of slack. Probably not to the point of having him at every holiday meal.. ha ha. But I would feel bad if he was in the hospital and check on him, kind of thing.
I'd have a conversation with him and spell all of this out. I'd make it clear that if he goes a year without contacting me again, don't expect me to pick up the phone/text a week before Father's day because I have a life of my own and I fill it with people who matter to me and give a crap about me.
Users love to say, 'blood is thicker than water'. The truth is that blood is created when someone treats you like family consistently. When they don't whatever blood there was turns into water.
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+1 y
Exactly!! And he has been gone for so long then pops up with demands. Like you didn't tell me happy fathers day! You didn't call me!! I finally got fed up and said look I've spent fathers day with my grandfather and uncles. You were gone since I was in the third grade. He said this has nothing to do with you its between me and your mom she divorced me. Well dumbass you were on drugs. what was she supposed to do stay? My mom always called him and I was there when she did asking him to come see us, he'd promise then never show. I told him just because you abd mom got a divorce doesn't mean you couldn't call us. He said well she married someone else!
Hmm. The fact he claims it has nothing to do with you tells me 2 things: 1.) he still has the same character as he did back when he chose drugs over doing the right thing for his family. 2.) he has zero remorse.
I have several con artists in my extended family and his tude reminds me of the way they act. I don't associate with them because they're always trying to use whoever gives them the chance. I don't like drama (all of their lies and fake tears) so I just ignore them. Life is too short. Plus I think con artists are dangerous.. if they will lie/cheat/scam to get one thing.. how far will they take it? You never know but I don't want to find out.
Yeah when he said it had nothing to do with you it was between me and your mom made me feel like he didn't really care about us (his kids) so since the relationship was done then so was he. Then he said I had no money , I had to stay in a homeless shelter , and train stations because your mom left me. And your grandma wouldn't let me stay in her house. Which she didn't because he kept stealing due to being on drugs. So she told him he couldn't stay in the house. So I said to him what about your mom? She could've taken u in why blame my mom's mom? He said I raised you and your brother I used to read Bible study to you guys. That was when we were 5/6 years old. I told him he never called he said I used to send your mom money all the time I couldn't call because I was working 3 jobs. Like dude you just said you were homeless because of my mom now you're saying
You couldn't call because you worked 3 jobs. He's lying. I watched my grandparents give my mom monet and pay my way through school. He never sent anything. My grandparents helped pay our rent I seen them give my mom money because she didn't make enough
"I had to stay in a homeless shelter , and train stations because your mom left me" -- A man who isn't a user would never utter these words or even think it. He would take personal responsibility on day one and not play victim. He'd focus on getting his life together and would have been back in your life within a year. Well, he wouldn't have gotten into that drug situation in the first place but that's another story.
He basically chose not to be a father and he stuck with that decision & now wants to get the benefits of being a father without putting in any of the effort. I'm usually the last person to tell someone not to show respect to their parent (s) even if the parents were absent or put them up for adoption BUT in some cases, and your case... there's zero reason for you to talk to this guy. If he wants to sob to somebody he can try calling your mom or one of those helplines for people with mental issues. Sucks for him but that's not your problem.
relationship really a mess. up to you if you want to try and get it to a good place or don't care anymore.
I think yes, but depends on how I feel at that time.
rather than wishing this or that, how about sit down and talk about what the hell happened, how he really feels and what want rest of life to be like... then do that?
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+1 y
He's just really inconsistent. He was gone for years then pops up like nothing ever happened, making demands " why don't you answer your phone when I call?" Why don't you tell me happy fathers day?" " I worry about you!" Where was all this years ago? He's been gone sense I was in the third grad. Just in and out of my life, made promises , then never came through. When I had a talk with him I told him you're popping up making all these demands when you haven't been there! I've spent every fathers day with my uncles and grandfather since him and my mom divorced when I was in 3rd grade. He said well thats between you and your mom. She divorced me then got married to someone else 3 years later. I said what does that have to do with not talking to me and my brother. He said you have to take that up with God. Like wtf really? Lol wow.
I don't have kids, but I've done that to others in life. I really don't know for sure... I see time differently and if I see someone 1st time haven't seen in years, it's like yesterday. Something messed up. maybe it's personality, inner wounds, shame, guilt, childhood abuse? There is some underlying emotion or mental stuff that isn't right to being the loving caregiver he's supposed to be. He may be a decent person to many, maybe even the best to other people, but neglect those he has responsibility for. You'd really have to take a different viewpoint and see him as a broken human and try to understand him, develop empathy for him and see if he can be brought back around to see his mistakes and want to be a real father to you. that would be rewarding for you... why not? possibly impossible but worth a shot? Older get, more ingrained issues become. No doubt... he's a human... a flawed one.
I can understand why men walk away from families, or moms do. It's wrong, it's awful, but I get it. They can't handle the emotion/stress.. deep issues. So what is it he wasn't equiped to handle? You/therapist/mens group... have to dig dig dig to find out. Hard work...
important part is how this impacted you and your selection of a mate. that's why it's important to deal with this... crap... that was handed to you... lest you repeat and multiple it.
Thanks, since you're a guy what's your advice on this.. me and him will talk and he will say, I'll call you back this day. Doesn't do it but instead calls back two- three weeks later. leaving messages saying ," oh I get so worried when you dont. answer your phone." Like dude yiu call every now and then yet expect me to pick up whenever he calls
I am strict person and I use my logic over my feelings so I am not sure if my answer would be beneficial for you. If I were you, I would remove him from my life. If he insist on calling/ reaching me, I would report to police.
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