Is this fucked up or is this normal? My dad expects me to do things I don't want to do?

[Anonymous]

My dad told me that he only does nice things for me because he expects me to do things in return for him. For example, he'll only bother himself to make me food because he will expect me to make him food like the next day. I feel like that's messed up and it doesn't sound like unconditional love. On top of it, it makes me not want to accept anything from him because then he'll force me to do things I don't want to do. Am i overreacting? I feel like this is messed up. My dad is 68 by the way.

[Buttonss]

I think he's trying to teach u that in order to get things, u have to work for them. My dad's this way too. If i dont help with making food im not getting any. I think this is important to teach us that we can't always get things the easy way. My friend's parents aren't like that, so he never helps out with anything at all, thinks he's living in a hotel or something. So no its normal, its just one of the ways to raise your kids

[Asker]

What about just taking care of yourself? Because I make all my meals, breakfast, lunch, dinner. But my dad was raised in that old school mentality where the woman is supposed to be cooking him 3 meals a day. My dad hates my mom and thinks she'll poison him so he doesn't trust her food. They're not divorced but live together as roommates. So he imposes on me to cook him food when I don't want to. So he does that shit where he does nice things for me in order to trick/force me to make him food later. What's even more messed up, my dad is a nitpicker. I make him a plate of food even when I don't want to. He criticises what I made him and tells me what's not good about it. Though, I live here for free. It's against my control since it's super expensive here I wouldn't be able to pay for an apartment by myself.

[Buttonss]

My dad also criticizes the desserts i make, maybe try rejecting what he does for u, if he cooks tell him you dont want it (make some food for urself later without him knowing if possible) and such, or try confronting him but make sure its politely or else you'll get either mentally or physically abused like my dad does to me

[Buttonss]

Also my apologies my parents have been divorced since i was 11 so i had to do the wife role maybe that's why i view things this way

[Asker]

I started doing what you said. About rejecting what he does for me. Which is only food related and I don't think he's caught on. Usually he'll force me/ fight with me to take the food he made. Or maybe he knows and he's not forcing it like how he normally does. Though when I fight with my dad I don't back down in fear when it's just verbal fights. I fight back. But when he tries to get physical I usually run away. This kind of torture almost drove me to create a drinking problem. I was feeling really bad after a fight to I decided to drown my sorrows. I only did it twice (after my entire life of pain) and I could instantly feel this bad habit stick. Every time we had a fight I felt the need to drink. It scared me and I didn't want to go down that path with my life so I forced myself to let go of the desire which was really scary and hard. I finally beat it and whenever we fight now I don't crave it. But the craving wasn't like a crave for liquor like how alcoholics are. It was like I did it to hurt myself, I wanted to hurt myself and for some reason that made it better for me. It doesn't make sense. Just talking about it makes me tear up.

[Asker]

It sounds like your dad does the same to you. I hope you have a healthy outlet for your anger, pain, sorrow. You can't bottle it up, it only makes it worse. I know because that's what I do. If you have a friend (s) or family to turn to that you trust. As well as a punching bag or some type of hobby that relaxes you and makes you feel good. A hobby that's good for you of course. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you as well. It's important to take care of your mental health as well as your physical health. No need to apologize, I understand. Only do them though I guess if you want to do them though, not that you are forced to or you fear for your life.

[Buttonss]

If u want to dm me to talk about things feel free, i feel like we have a lot of similar things. I also tend to get self destructive when bad things happen. Im here for you if u want to talk ❤️

[btbc92]

That is abusive. That is what a wife is for, at least in practice. Not your daughter. You are not his wife, and you are best to get your own place if possible. It's one thing to help and do what you do out of love because he is your dad. But you are not his wife. And he needs to show you respect.

[Asker]

I agree, thank you. But at the same time. I don't agree that the wife is supposed to be like a slave to the husband. I'd prefer for roles to be shared in a relationship. Say, if I cook then the guy would need to clean as a compromise. It's not the 50s anymore.

[btbc92]

A wife is not a slave. She is a helpmeet. That is what a wife is and always has been. We are to do that for our husbands because that is our role and they love and take care of it. At the end of the day, the husband is always the head of the home. You just need to make sure you are with a man who will appreciate and love you. Do not be fooled by misinformation. If you are cooking you are still doing your role. It is not about compromise, this is not dating. In marriage, everybody has a job and role to play to survive. That is the perks of having a marriage, because if not then how are you going to have sex? Sex is like a reward after all of that work. Life is about some work. Because if you don't work, nobody eats.

[btbc92]

Because what your saying is what makes men frustrated. Remember the man is always outside doing work. Heavy work is usually on top of that. Cleaning is not that hard. Now if you don't have the energy as I do, I understand. But if you are usually home all day, you have to contribute to something. Somebody has to clean it or else you're going to have a not-so-clean house. You have to establish some rules or else our going to grow resentful and fight. This is the real world. Not fantasy land. Even in the 50s, they have structure and it's how they made it, and why we have so many divorces because nobody feels the need to contribute. He needs a wife. That is what your father needs. Or he can get a maid. But even then, you never know, he may marry her. That is how men find wives. It is a man who chooses you. Not the other way around. And not every woman is chosen. As long as you have a man who wants to help you, why can't you do that for him? Are you going to make him feel he isn't deserving of love? When you cook, when you clean, you show a man you love him. It is not all about emotions. Men don't always operate on emotions, but action. That is why males are usually action-oriented.

[Asker]

Woah are you American or a guy who created a female account on here? Surprised you are saying that. I understand what you are saying but I can't bring myself to be that way. I can't magically be that way. A part of me thinks if I really love the guy maybe I can but that would be a miracle lol. I don't mind the guy being the man of the house, I find that sexy actually. But I just think, if I am working and coming home to cook/clean then what do I need him for other than sex. It doesn't hurt to help me out.

[btbc92]

I am an American female and I say what I say. I believe in the traditional role the same way that God had commanded. Because had we done what God had said none of us would be in this picture. No you can be that way what it is is that you have yet to find a man that you can actually truly love and desire to share that part of you yes. I also understand what you're saying also. But until you find a man that truly love, you got to remember something. It's hard to find out today. I believe a man that would love you with also put the effort to help you in those areas also. Is this new rose doesn't necessarily mean you do everything and he does something else. You got to find a way to work together. That is just how it works. But if your main job is to cooking, just think of it this way. God forbid something happens to you, at least you can rely on him to do the job until we get better.

[btbc92]

Since my mom passed away of cancer many years ago. I have basically taken over a lot of her job and I had to help around the house for my dad too. I help with the cooking mostly oh, I mean even though I don't like cooking, I do find some enjoyment when you try to cook the things that you like. I don't like cleaning, but I do understand the benefits of cleaning even though I have been taught since I was young. It's just that where I live at, it can be a little difficult because I was used to clean up the whole house. And I was by myself, as she would always be in and out of hospital for weeks at a time and my dad with her. I had to raise dogs all by myself. And I knew nothing about taking care of a big animal. Imagine the days where you would be so tired you didn't have much sleep. You need to come home I had to help her with her medication, changing the Sheets, help her to get clean up, it's called her up and down the stairs, make sure she had the clothes changed, feed the dogs, take them to the bathroom, have them cleaned up. It was a lot. That doesn't even count the times I had serious migraine, or having my menstrual cycle. you know these are just like lessons that we'd have to learn.

[Asker]

Wow you are so right. I agree with you completely. I am religious too but sometimes I forget what is said in the scriptures. I see you've had a hard life but it made you into a better person (not that I'm saying you weren't a better person

[Asker]

before but that it matured you). I'm really sorry to hear about what your mom went through as well as what you and your father went through as well. I would like to pray for you two now if that would be alright with you. Are you married? If not, how is dating for you? I feel like you are probably dating a really good guy right now or maybe married to him. I feel like you can spot a douche bag from a mile away lol. My mother actually... the doctor found three tumors in her head from a mri. They are noncancerous (Thank god) but they are pressing on her optic nerve which is worsening her vision. She needs radiation to stop the tumors from growing. If she does nothing she'll die. It's a really sobering moment because my mother is my rock. We are so close and we hangout every day and do everything together. It feels impossible to go through life without her. I feel deeply sorry that you went through it. I wonder how you overcame the pain (if you did?) If you don't want to talk about it then never mind. But when I think about it, it saddens me so profoundly that I almost cannot process it. The pain is beyond me. My mother is not in great health because of her age, she's 72 and because she's out of shape. Sometimes I notice her split up mentally as well, because of her tumor I'm assuming because her long term memory is better than mine. But I also woukd like to say, how do I become like you? I would like to be mature like you and just accept things like you. Like how you accept that you'll cook/clean and you want to do it.

[Asker]

I don't know how to be that way. I have too much ego and little experience with dating. I've only dated one guy and he cheated on me so I have buried resentment from that. Especially since I actually took care of him (made him food willingly) but he took advantage of me and now I don't want to go down that path again and be taken for granted. I feel I'll resent the man I am with if I admit to gender roles. I feel I won't be happy if I conform to them. I am not happy when I father forces me to cook for him as well as my brothers. It really makes me angry

[btbc92]

I don't necessarily have a good relationship with my dad. I don't mind talking about it. I apologize if it seems like I didn't. My father is not in the right frame of mind. I grew up in an abusive household mostly by him. My mom was always a loving caring person, trying to teach me the things of God, as my father isn't a believer necessary. He believes in an occult version. I was almost 24 when she passed away. And she was way younger. She was just shy of her mid-40s when it happened. Even when she was sick I don't want a lot of abuse. Sometimes he didn't want to take her to the hospital. It was a lot.. but I do believe if this is what you're saying then maybe your dad just wants to train you now because you never know when either him or your mom is around could you know life is too short. I believe all your father loves you. It's how he's handling it it's in an abusive Manner and it's not good. I'm not married. I never dated anybody, I'm a virgin, I never really took much interest in Men in that way anyway, and that's a whole another chapter in itself. A lot of men are very disrespectful towards me, some even made rape threats, the whole nine yards I just simply chose to leave it alone. I don't like talkin about it much because it eyelids brings me so much anger or I'm in deep sorrow and I'm just ready to move on with my life. Trying to put my trust in God in trying to do what I got to do. I'm not going to act like I'm a perfect person. Or that I think I'm better than somebody. But that I know life is hard. And all I say for you is just really trust God through the process. Trust that Jesus is helping you to get through this and that your angels is there to protect you, and the Holy Spirit is there to guide you. For your relationship with the Lord isn't religious. But a relationship. It's a spiritual relationship with the father. And when this world fails you, God will never fail you.

[btbc92]

He is the source of my strength, I cannot do it all on my own. I tried. Trust me I tried. Now because I didn't want to trust God but because I didn't really know how to. That's what happens when you feel thank you responsible for everything and to be independent. But God wants us to lean on him he doesn't want us to lean on our own understanding. I think you for the prayers and I will send prayers for you as well. I have to get to bed cuz I have stuff to do. But I just want to let you know you're not alone, you're doing a great job, be patient with your father, and I pray that your mom gets better. But if it is God's will to take her home sooner, know that she's going with the father and that she has overcome this life.

[btbc92]

I grieve all the time for my loved ones not with me right now. But in the midst of it, I still try to find a joy God desirest for me to have. You just got to remember to walk the straight and narrow path. Continue walking and Let Jesus show you the way. Because when you truly believe in the father and put your focus on Yeshua, then nothing else in the world matters. You just got to ask the Father to give you that peace.

[Asker]

Oh I'm a virgin as well waiting for marriage too. I believe that's probably why my ex cheated on me. When you said Yeshua that confused me. I didn't know what that was and had to look it up. I'm Christian orthodox so I don't think Yeshua is in my religion. I'm still learning the bible, there is so much to learn. I even forget things and I have to remind myself. Like when God says not to argue with each other. I forget that when I argue with my dad. I'm sorry that your father is abusive. That sounds scary and horrible. Whatever you think it is the right thing to do in that situation with your father but I know God says arguing/fighting with each other is bad and not to do that. If those scriptures apply to you. I remember in the bible it says to obey and respect our parents. But I always thought what if the parent or parents is a horrible person who mistreated us? Like how does that work. Sorry for keeping you up all this time. I'll reply to the rest of your messages later as well, I better go to sleep.

[Asker]

Ho, I'm back to finally reply. It might be possible but I think the way your dad raised you and the kind of relationship you have with him affects the way you are with guys now/dating. Though I'm not talking about the bad ones especially the ones that made the rape threats, those are the crazy p. o. s that deserve to be put in jail. You are not depressed are you? From everything. Very true God will never fail me. I agree with everything you said there. What do you do to fully trust God? Sorry I'm curious. Thank you for praying for me. When I think about my mom dying I think about cutting ties with my father. I don't know why, maybe because he causes her pain every day. She's especially sick and that doesn't stop him. How can I respect someone who does that? I mean I know my mom wasn't the best person to him, but to cause a person who is sick pain... She wouldn't be treating him that way if it was the other way around.

[Asker]

Hi* don't want you thinking I'm calling you a ho lol I had to correct myself

[btbc92]

Hi Asker, it's okay to ask questions. Actually no. My father is not the reason I had problems. I ALWAYS had problems with people in general. Be it, girls or boys. I have been badly ostracized and bullied when I was a child. Most people didn't want to be my friend, and those I thought were my friends really wasn't or quick to turn on me. The only friends I had and still have are people who were similar to myself. Even other Christian kids avoided me and adults too. My view of guys personally or me started when I was first asked out. The kid didn't respect me as a Christian and called me all sorts of names in elementary school. Despite my domestic pasts, my father was not the cause of my distress. Can't marry my dad right, so what he thinks of me wasn't much of an issue. I just love my family. Anyway, the kid said I wasn't going to be a good wife, mother, or girlfriend all because I wasn't going to put out and how I deserved to be alone. That crushed me. I went home crying and never told my parents about it, until about 17/18 because my mom wanted grandchildren. I told her no. After him, practically every guy treated me the same. they treated every other girl be if they were Christain or not better. But with me, they just despised me. Besides rumors spreading about me not doing that.

[btbc92]

What did impacted me was how he treated my mom and every female in his life. He just personally hates women but had 40+ women in his life. Even calling me a B a few times, So men as a whole just don't like me, and I never done anything. While other women mock me for it. Now I can't trust any guy because I was used to a fake friendship or they try to date me even after I said no. Then I get rape threats, had guys not too long ago called me old and how rotten my eggs are, really I just had enough. If I am so bad why am I still getting bothered? I did nothing to warrant that. Other Christain women get better treatment than I do, and I get asked why am I still single or come I don't want to, or you should have got involved. I am just done. I don't know what is with these men today. Why do they treat our moms or us this way? The things are done to me, I can never imagine doing to somebody else.

[btbc92]

I literally had some jerkoff call me Schizo, Cluster A/B, Historic, and Borderline, bipolar, and I had to ask him, what, I'm "everything" in the DSM-5? These men like that, no offense, are crazy. And neither am I going to be driven mad by them either. I don't get it. If I supposedly deserve to die, why do they want me but hate me for no reason? These people must hate themselves or something, I got my own problems. I am just trying to live my life, but I keep getting shamed and harassed. Then other guys blame me for not giving them a chance, saying they shouldn't be judged over what other men have done. firstly, I have the right to not get involved if I don't want to. If I don't trust them, I don't. It is not meant to be personal, yet they take it personally. I have the right to be to myself, and I am not going to hurt anyone or myself. My looks, my personality, etc is not a reason to come to me. I am myself. I understand they want to be with attractive women. Just don't do it to me. I am not looking for being wanted for my looks or just my personality or because I am a virgin. So they can call me asexual or whatever. At the end of the day. As long as my heavenly Father loves me, as long as Jesus loves me. That is all that matters.

[Asker]

I am shocked that you have come across such nasty people in your life. I haven't come across so many mean boys/men in my life as much as you have. I'm sorry you went through all of that. I'm glad you didn't listen to them or let them get to you. They are lost. In they are true believers of God they wouldn't treat you or anyone else that way. Their souls are lost, they are not saved. They are being influenced by the devil, that's why they treat you so horribly and try to stop you from living your life. That is why they are in your way. Those people would be foolish enough to easily take the mark of the beast without thinking twice. Unless their correct their ways and join God. That's why you've come across these horrible people. I always heard that those who are saved are tested every day because they are the ones that the devil targets the most and hates the most.

[Asker]

I also see what those guys saying those things to you because you wouldn't have sex as a way to pressure you into having sex. It's just guy tactic at the end of the day. They care about having sex more than being a decent human being. Those people deserve bad karma. I've had so many guys try to pressure me into sex and every time I laughed. I've made the mistake to waste my time on men who aren't Christians. Though even Christian men aren't saved, they stray away too and fake in being believers. So you always have to be on guard

[Asker]

You sound as tough as nails from all your experiences. Sounds like nothing can bring you down and that's really good. All those disorders people said you have, they don't know what they're talking about. You are fine, don't listen to them in case they did bother you.

[Asker]

It doesn't seem you are interested in dating but I know God has someone for you and you'll meet the right man. But in the meantime I agree we should just be closer to God.

[Asker]

If you'd like a friend, I'll be your friend. I've been bullied too but for different reasons. I know what's it like to be abandoned by friends you thought cared. I remember when I was in high school, my senior year, my grandma died. I had all these friends who I turned to who I thought would be there for me. They weren't there, they didn't care about me at all. They ignored me and basically abandoned me. It was shocking and it hurt me a lot. I only had one true friend stick by me who I didn't pay attention to that much. I am grateful to her for listening to me. I know what it's like to not be taken seriously and to be taken for granted and discarded. So much that I have zero expectations when interacting with others. When someone is cold towards me it doesn't hurt anymore. So if you need someone to listen for the future, I'll listen

[btbc92]

That is very sweet of you Asker. And I thank you for that. I do the best I can through all of this through the grace of God. I say he is keeping me because trust me, it is not easy these days. All we can do is continue to trust in the Father and not let the world get to us. I'm about to get off soon as I have a lot of work to submit by the end of the week. Speak to you at another time, and have a great night/day.

[Asker]

I hope you have a great day/night as well ! ^_^

[drakethibault1]

no offense but maybe it is difficult for him, because of his age? couldn't you take care of yourself?

[Asker]

I do take care of myself. I never expect him to do anything. It's actually the other way around. My dad was raised in that old fashioned way of life where women are supposed to take care of him. But I don't do those things because I was raised with the modern lifestyle and I don't want to do those things. So my dad tries to trick me into doing them by doing something for me and expecting something in return.

[KrakenAttackin]

Appreciate your father while you still have him.

[Asker]

I try to but he tests me all the time. Or at least I feel like he tests me. My dad is a narcissist and he hates women. He forces me to be something im not and when i don't conform, he fights with me. Tells me no guy will ever put up with me if I don't cook. And I deserve to be in a abusive relationship where the guy beats me since I am not doing my gender roles. I don't think I am a feminist I just don't want that kind of life. I don't hate men. But my dad always says "drop that feminist b. s." and we fight like every day. Almost seems like he enjoys fighting. Our relationship hangs on by a thread, I think I hate him even though I try not to think about those emotions. I force those emotions away and try to make the best of what little relationship we have. Sorry for telling you all this, I just needed to say it.

[jimmy2]

Wow be careful of dad