Is this normal for a father to do?

[Anonymous]

I grew up with this but I have always hated it, I don't know why but it makes me uncomfortable but maybe I am overreacting? Whenever I am out with my family and we are walking somewhere my dad will put his hand on my lower back and I mean way down there just above my butt. He does that to guide me to walk beside him so we are walking directly beside each other or if I happen to be walking a few feet away from the group. But I don't like his hand going that low, it's so close to touching my butt that it disgusts and disturbs me at the same time. Do your dad's do this to you and is this normal? Sometimes people look and think we are dating at least that's the impression I get by the way my dad holds onto me and pulls me around like that. I have gotten double takes and disturbed expressions from people who are paying attention and it's embarrassing.

[DermalPunch]

I feel for you. If it's making you uncomfortable then you have to say something. I know he's your Dad and that's some major cognitive dissonance going on. The reality is that he is making you uncomfortable and you need to tell him to stop. A Dad wouldn't want his daughter to feel uncomfortable. You are clearly a beautiful girl who is also attractive. It sucks to have to see your dad in this way but at the end of the day he is a man. Let's not think that your dad is having sexual thoughts about you but the reality is the opposite. It's how he deals with it and it seems he isn't. Please update this thread. Ok. Be strong.

[Asker]

Well I have another question. Can you read this with fresh eyes of that makes sense. Read this like u didn't just read my first question.

I have another thing that happened years ago and I don't know if it's weird. Years ago in my area there's this really hard hiking trail and it's known for being really hard. I mean hard like challenging and tiring. So my dad and brother and I climbed the front half and we took an easy trail down. However the trail is uneven and you have to sometimes climb over or around fairly big pieces of rocks.

I didn't have good shoes at the time and I was slipping on the gravel. My body was destroyed from the hike, I was shaking from overexerting myself. My dad and bro wanted to run down the trail before it got dark. There was this group ahead of us who were also rushing down the trail.

So I ended up slipping on the gravel and almost falling on my butt. My dad held my hand to give me support for when I would happen to slip, or if I needed to awkwardly walk my way down a steep incline of the hill or around a rock. He held my hand the entire time for the two hours it took us to get down that trail.

And those people ahead of us kept looking back making these faces. They acted like it was really weird that my dad and I were holding hands. You know I wasn't constantly slipping, so he didn't need to hold my hand the entire time. But the way those people kept looking back, how weird they found it, it made me feel weird and self conscious. He didn't let my hand go until we got to the end. Maybe if I forced my hand free he would have let go.

Maybe my family is more handsy than other people's family? I don't know how other people grew up but my dad never shyed away from touching me, I don't mean sexually I just mean in anyway possible. Like if we are standing and just looking at something he'll be standing there close to me shoulder to shoulder touching.

[Asker]

Even when we walk he walks so close that we bump into each other and another reason why I feel like he bumps into me is because he's absent minded while he walks but at the same time we walk so close and it does get annoying. I say to him, "Stop bumping into me." And he'll say, "You're bumping into me." Lol

Sorry I got sidetracked but I wanted to know if him holding my hand was that weird? I need an outsiders point of view. Thank you!

[Asker]

Shied* sorry for that shyed typo.

[DermalPunch]

Well, the hiking story I see that as him comforting you. Perhaps felt bad you were in such rough shape. But if people were staring, they were getting couple vibes.

I've been in a situation similar.

I am not in your shoes.

I did communicate with the person who was making me uncomfortable in this way and they stopped.

[Asker]

I'm happy to hear once you voiced your concerns and boundaries that they were respected. I'm sorry you were put in a uncomfortable position to begin with but I know you probably learned from it by standing up for yourself. It's always nice to learn things like that in our lives.

This is a tough situation for me though and it's not easily solved sadly. My dad doesn't like being told no, maybe it's part of his narcissism. But I just know if I tell him not to touch me like that he'll get upset/angry. He'll yell at me and then asked if I was raped or if something happened to me because I am suddenly now telling him no. Like it's too random and out of the blue for me to not like it and be uncomfortable about it. I know he'll continue to do it anyway. I talked to my mom about it and she said that father's with mental problems can be weird with their daughters. But I'm debating if it's worth the unnecessary fight because I know it will turn into one.

[DermalPunch]

Oh he will throw a tantrum then fall in line. Narcs are like children. You got this.

[Asker]

I wanted to let you know what happened. I just told him no an hour ago, since you wanted to be updated about what happened. As expected we had a fight. I told him he could wrap his arm around my shoulder but to not touch me there because it made me uncomfortable. T felt extremely insulted and called me crazy and said that he's my father he isn't a weirdo. I kept telling him I just don't like being touched that way, he can touch my shoulder but anything below it is uncomfortable for me. He kept making this comparison about how when we dance together, which we never dance together. Probably once every few years do we dance, like a slow dance. He kept saying when we dance he would normally put his hands on his basically saying it's normal and ok. I kept saying we aren't dance, you are putting your hand there and I don't like it and please don't do that. Definitely our relationship worsened because he came to the conclusion that he's never going to touch me again. He used to always kiss my ear but recently I developed a painful cyst behind my ear. So he can't kiss me there anymore because it hurts me. And he made a comment about that, like how he can't even kiss my ear anymore like he basically can't do anything anymore. In my mind I'm like you can kiss my left ear, it doesn't have a painful cyst it's just my freaking right ear. I don't know if that's weird that he kisses me eat but yeah lol. So that's update.

[Asker]

When we dance he would normally put his hands on my hips*

[Asker]

Kisses my ear*

[DermalPunch]

From what you have said, your father feels an entitlement to you and your personal space that is inappropriate. Kissing of the ear is ABSOLUTELY an erotic action.

This is a tough situation for you. Protect yourself, and while I don't ad is making a whole family court case about it you may need to tell the truth to someone else one day if appropriate.

You may be alienated or ostracized since given your father's reaction, he likely manipulates everyone around him.

Don't back down.

Thanks for the update. It is triggering but these things prepare us for great things! 💜

[Asker]

I grew up with all this f'ed up stuff so it's hard to tell what's normal and what's not. Let me give more context on the kissing ear thing. (I'll be sure to proof read, sorry for posting with so many typos 😅) he doesn't make out with my ear if that's what it sounds like. When I hug him goodnight, I'll have my hair down over my ears and he'll press his mouth into my ear. Give me multiple kisses and it's like his breath with combination of being ticklish where I make a high pitched sound where I am being tickled, if you can picture that lol. My dad likes when I make that sound of being tickled, he finds it cute so that's why he does it. When I explain it, I do feel like a weirdo. But I grew up with this stuff so like I don't know if that's erotic still like you said. Is it still bad?

I had ex boyfriend and this is cringy to admit. But I remember he would suck my earlobes so that was you know intimate. But my dad doesn't do that. He is more like, trying to tickle me and get me to squirm.

Also you mentioned tell someone else the truth one day, what do you mean by that if you don't mind clarifying? Are you talking about like a future husband? What do I tell him?

I'm still in denial. I honestly cannot see my dad finding me sexually attractive and trying to make moves on me. He does make me uncomfortable with other things and sometimes when we hangout I do feel like he treats me like a date. But it's like his weird vibe, it could all be in my head and maybe I'm reading into it.

Like everyone in my family (except for my mom) acts like I'm the one with the problem and my dad is just this old school dude set in his ways. It's like he can't change so I should change or not take anything to heart.

[DermalPunch]

Ok well maybe your Dad is just super affectionate loves you a lot and has a slight boundary issue. Just say Dad I love you but I am nit into the physical affection like you are.

[Canuck37]

It's normal in many cultures for dads to retain physical affection for their daughters.

That doesn't make it okay for you to tolerate something you're uncomfortable with.

Next time, tell your dad "hey, I appreciate that you love me and want to feel close to me, but I'm uncomfortable with your hand there; could you possibly move it a little bit higher?"

If he's a good dad, he'll change immediately and apologize for making you feel uncomfortable. If he's a mediocre dad, he'll be upset at first but he'll apologize a few hours or days later. If he's a bad dad, he'll be angry at you and this won't change, and that's your clue that your dad might have been having sexual thoughts about you, or maybe he's abusively controlling/possessive of you.

[Asker]

I just told him an hour ago and he got angry. He's probably going to do it again. So I guess I know what category he falls under on your list.

[Asker]

Thank you for your advice, it's excellent advice

[MementoMori777]

check his ass, tell him or next time he does it react in a way you know will give off the impression that it bothers you

[GoingNooWhere]

Thats not normal at all. You need to speak up and let your dad that you are not comfortable.

[Wise4myage]

Not normal, what does your mother have to say about this?

[Asker]

My dad is mentally unstable and she said it's normal for them to be weird around their daughters.

[Asker]

But she also said I can tell him to stop.

[Wise4myage]

I hope you do that.

[slatyb]

Not normal for a girl older than about 10. Certainly not for an adult daughter.

[ImalwaysrightOK]

It's not normal and you should tell him it bothers you.

[BLP11520]

I don’t like him doing that, that’s a boyfriend’s type of thing