How do I stop being abusive to my younger siblings?

[Anonymous]

I am the eldest child of 6, so I have 5 younger siblings. I am 14.
My dad was abusive to me as a child, he hit me even when I didn't do anything wrong. For example he would whip me with a rope that had metal chains on it (30-40 times if I ever did anything wrong) He would drag me by my hair, he would burn my fingers with fire, he wouldn't let me eat for days, he would beat me up and kick me in my back and my stomach while I was laying on the ground and so on. When this all happend I was the ages 1-19 until my mom sued my dad and he went to jail.
My mom found a new guy, so I have 2 younger half siblings. The rest are my fully biological siblings.
I love my siblings a lot, all of them. And my dark past isn't an excuse to be abusive.
When I was younger I always told myself that I would neve turn out like my dad, but now I'm realizing that I'm just like him.
My 5 year old sister was having a horrible attitude towards my mother, so I told her to respect her. My sister looked at me like I did something wrong, so I got triggered and pushed her. She got mad so she hit me as hard as she could, so I dragged her down to the floor my her hair and kicked her.
Let me remind you, she is 5.
I'm such a terrible older sister, I'm just like my dad. Please help, I don't want to cause my little sister a bunch mental problems.

Updates

+1 y

Sorry I meant ages 1-9 not 1-19*

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am sorry for what happened to you… I really am… Don’t turn into a monster you hated so much.

I was abused as a child as well and I was very aggressive and had some deviant, sadistic tendencies. I used to suppress my pain, and smile every time I was abused just so, my abuser could not get the pleasure of seeing me hurting.

One day I sat down and talked to myself.

I told myself that, I am powerful, I have aggression, I am strong, I can do the harm to anyone if only I wish, I can be the worst person in the world if I want, I can do the things unimaginable for the human minds, but… Is that what I really want?

Do I want to be a person who becomes the same monster I was always angry at?

No.

I could even be the worse monster… But why should I be a villain, when I can be the hero?
i can use my power, my aggression and my strength to protect the weak…

And direct my aggression to the ones who bully the weak.

From that day on, I forgave myself all the mistakes I made and decided to be a good person.

My favorite quote that best describes me is from Sherlock “I might be on the side of angels, but do not think for a moment I am one of them.”

I suppressed my sadism and I am told I am a very good person by many people, however, god forbid anyone to make me angry.

If anyone is being unfair or bad or hurts others, my aggression unleashes and I let it unleash, because it has to go somewhere. At 15, I once chased the burglars (who invaded my house) with kitchen knife. Thankfully, my dad stopped me, but I was so excited to get close to them. At that moment, I wished I could touch them and let out all this aggression I had. I am happy my dad caught me and that was a good lesson, this aggression never goes away and it’s very hard to control, but you should. We only live once, better live a life as a good person. I will never ever make a same mistake again.

However, Your aggression and sadism needs to be fed on, but not on the cost on bullying and hurting your younger siblings. Control yourself… Your younger siblings are the ones you should protect instead of hurting them. Promise yourself, that you would rather go punch the wall, scratch your skin, do whatever you want but never ever touch someone so sweet and vulnerable, they should look up to you and believe in you that you’ll protect them no matter what.

And if you keep directing your aggression to them, you’ll become like your father. Aggression is never a key and you’ll be surprised to know how powerful a word is. Much more powerful than a fist. Always solve your problems with words…

[Asker]

Thank you so much, you seem so wise. I will really take this advice. And I'm sorry for what you went through.
Again thank you 💗💗

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you, too. And I am sorry for the awfully painful things that happened in your past.

One more thing I can tell you, is - try not to victimize yourself, get over your past and make sure in can give you strength instead if being your weakness, take responsibility for your actions and future and make sure, you’ll never have to go through something like this anymore, make sure you’ll not let any abusive men in your life in future.

I wish you the great luck and a peace of mind 💕

[Asker]

Thank you so much, I wish the same for you💗💗💗💗

[Guy__]

This can be complex. Scientists have shown that generational trauma was still passed on even after 14 generations, and I'm not a qualified expert on that.



Something we all can do is minimize hormonal stress, by sleeping well, eating clean, going outside more, etc. It will help just a little bit. re-state://background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

[Asker]

Interesting, well thank you. I will do my best.