Was my apology all for nothing?

[Anonymous]

I've always had a hard time even saying ''I'm sorry''. I gave my brother's finacee a very hard time and nearly broke them up a couple times in the past.

I took the advice of several people and a psychologist about the important of admitting when you're wrong and accepting responsibilities. I did that. I've apologized to both her and my brother.

The only reason I was still invited to their wedding is because she didn't want to hurt my brother. She didn't believe a single word in my real apology, can't accept it now and only time will tell. Once again, this was hard for me. I've never in my life delivered a long, heartfelt apology. It was sincere. Was my apology all for nothing?

[Anonymous]

I’m gonna be very blunt and honest because that’s what you’re here for, not lies. Your attitude approaching this situation is very entitled. We get it — apologizing was hard. Well, so was the trauma you put them through, especially when it almost cost them their relationship more than once. You don’t get a high five or gold star for growing up and owning your shit. It takes time, and you did a whole lot so don’t expect her to accept any apologies, gifts or offers from you any time soon, and you need to be ok with that. Focus on yourself and stop pushing for your actions to be water under the bridge just because you’re feeling bummed that she isn’t coming right around.

[Asker]

Thank you for pointing it out. I was indeed thinking of myself for a couple moments. That was selfish in my part. Well I'm still working on becoming better and still going to my psychology sessions; I have the next one for Friday.
I won't insist to be forgiven because like you stated, I've already caused enough damage in their relationship. They're being nice to still invite me to their wedding. It'll take time that's for sure.

[Opinion Owner]

As long as you’re actively doing the work to be a better person then make that your focus right now, and be proud of yourself for trying in a real way. As you said, a lot of damage was done and she may not trust that you’ve made real changes, or doesn’t feel interested in rekindling your relationship in any way outside of being cordial. If that’s what it comes to then it’s just something for you to accept, but only time will tell. Be optimistic about it though and keep implementing changes. Hopefully one day you can get to a place where you two can be friends.

[whitewolf]

Can you really blame her for not believing you right away? Since she doesn't believe you all you can do is show her your sincerity with actions and time. So just be patient, don't do anything against them, and when an opportunity to help comes take it and help them. If you do all that eventually she will realize you really are sorry and are no longer against her.

[Asker]

yeah I realized that was selfish on my part. I've placed myself in her shoes and I don't blame her. I would've reacted the same if I were her.
For the meantime, I still have to attend my psychology sessions. I have my next appointment on Friday. I'm trying to be a better person each day.

[HighlyVolatile]

You can't expect massive results overnight. Most people put more stock in "show over tell". The patient ones might become slightly more receptive with some good "telling", but really it's about showing if you want to change their mind.

[Asker]

Weeks before apologizing, I was trying to show my remorse through actions. I tried inviting her to the movies with my friends or giving her gifts; making her feel welcome and uncomfortable. Supposedly actions speak louder than words don't they? She didn't accept my invitation nor gifts either. That didn't work either.
So if that didn't work and finally my apology didn't work either; then I'm lost. What more can I do?

[Asker]

The only little hope is she said she can't accept it now and that only time will tell.

[HighlyVolatile]

It's up to her at the end of the day. Can't really expect anything so concrete from someone as unpredictable as another human being. What you can do is try your best to genuinely improve and see where the chips may fall. Sometimes they don't fall in the place you want but you can at least start playing the game better and improve your odds of doing better in the long run.

[blended_ninja]

I've been on the receiving end of behavior like this, and I completely understand why she doesn't believe you. After dealing with it for so long, just apologizing won't actually fix anything. You'll need to show you're sorry for a long time before she believes you, and that's if they allow you to remain a part of their lives.

[Asker]

It was very hard for me to even apologize. I already knew she wasn't going to accept it and that it wouldn't work. My guess was right. Weeks before I apologized, I was trying to show it through actons by inviting her to the movies with my friends or giving her gifts, which she declined too.

The only little hope is she said she can't accept it now and that only time will tell.

[blended_ninja]

She's probably not going to want to develop any kind of relationship with you. It being difficult for you to apologize has absolutely no bearing on the situation. She had to deal with a lot from you for a long period of time. Words mean nothing, actions are going to be the most important thing.