Was this a toxic friendship (see details below)?

[nspencer]

My friend wanted me to put her as number one priority when she was going through stuff while she hadn’t put me as one when I was going through stuff. And then made me feel guilty for not doing that and has been ignoring me now.

[ScamaV]

Yeah I think it's toxic, you deserve a better friend, I usually just leave people like that, just not worth it, but anyway it's up to you though whether you wanna stick with your friend or not, but in long term it's not good to have a friend like your friend

[KLTheErudite7229]

It sounded like she hasn’t been a good friend to you & took advantage of you. I think you should let her go and find better friends.

[Anonymous]

Can you give more detail please? I need more context.

[nspencer]

So basically when I would go out with my friend places she kinda would just leave me places for men. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that per say she can do whatever she wants but there were specific instances where it got a bit out of hand I would say. I’ll just tell you one of the worst times.. but so I broke things off with my fiancé about a week before we were supposed to go out. Honestly I should have been home I was not in the mental space to do much of anything, but I went cause I knew we were planning to go. So into drinking I basically was not feeling it and was crying 🤦🏼‍♀️ lol but guess what she was still off trying to hook up with men. Literally a stranger came over and talked to me. Now again she can do whatever but I feel that god she couldn’t have kept it in her pants one night to comfort a friend? Ok so then a month later it was her birthday and she was going through some personal things herself that were pretty hard.. now I kinda sort of slipped up on the date which I apologized 10 times for. Like I knew her birthday but I don't know I didn’t connect the date for some reason. So she doesn’t like my one friend for of course stupid and untrue reasons and I had invited her over for that weekend. She texts me and was want to come over this weekend, and I was honest and was like oh I have plans with that other friend. She acted very passive aggressive I still didn’t put two and two together 🤦🏼‍♀️ but basically she mentioned it was her birthday and that she really wanted to go out for “pity drinks” she called them. I said ok. slept on it and was like you know what I’m in my healing journey and have been working on setting boundaries. I told her I would hang out with her Friday or even on her actual birthday that Monday and the following weekend too but not that sat and basically she shit all over that and it was that Sat or nothing I guess. But yeah basically she said I didn’t care about her and has been ignoring me.

[nspencer]

I couldn’t add this cause of character limits but also on my birthday (s) plural she’s also displayed similar behavior when we go out. No this is prob just a personal boundary of mine but I would say if a friend is going through stuff or it’s their birthday you shouldn’t be ditching them. I def wouldn’t do that personally. Any other night it’s whatever but those other nights a simple exchange a phone number with a guy is good enough if she wanted to see him at another time. That’s how I feel about it at least.

[Opinion Owner]

She doesn't sound like a real friend. Why are you friends with her when she treats you like that? Does she bring anything good into your life?

If you want to fight for this friendship then you need to definitely lay out boundaries. She doesn't respect you or your boundaries. You have reasonable boundaries. You have every right to set these boundaries up in order to have a healthy friendship. Did you explicitly tell her these boundaries and she still crosses them? If so, then she doesn't respect you. It almost feels like she doesn't care about you either.

She sounds like when she's upset she wants her needs to be met. When she's angry, she needs everyone to stop and drop everything to be at her disposal. Which isn't healthy or even right. She's too self-centered, too selfish, too immature or whatever else is her issue to see what she is doing. I wonder how she was raised and how her home environment was.

She's inconsiderate with you all the time. She steps all over your emotional wellbeing. She's controlling you by giving you the silent treatment. She manipulates you to do whatever she wants even her demands that are uncompromising and unnecessary. It's like it's all a annoying and emotionally painful mind game to her. It's like she loves having control and power so much that she likes making things extra difficult for you just so she can feel that satisfaction. She sounds really self conscious. She's only making your friendship worse and pushing you away further.

[Opinion Owner]

The fact that she would ignore you on your worst day so she can get laid 😑😡😒 what is wrong with her? Then when she's feeling hurt she wants you to be a good friend that she cannot even be for you? I'm sorry but she doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry you are being treated this way. It's awful and it's disgusting. She's just trash straight up. she's not a good person or a good friend. She has issues and she needs to get over it with a therapist and it isn't your fault. Don't blame yourself for being friends with her all this time. You have a big heart, a loving heart. You have the patience of a saint. You deserve a real friend who'll treat you right and respect you always.

[nspencer]

Yeah I’m going to let the friendship go it’s really not healthy. She’s using silent treatment anyways so it works out. We were very close at times and it wasn’t always like this but the last few years she’s really self destructed. I feel bad of course but I just can’t be around it anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't blame you for feeling bad. You have a good heart, you are a good person. I can tell you are a great friend who values your friends emotions and thoughts.

I've been where you are. I wasted 16 years with someone I thought was my best friend, like a sister to me. But I realized later she never cared about my emotions. Though, I did ignore the red flags over the years. I also had someone point out to me that I was wasting my time with her and that she doesn't deserve me.

What helped me get over the anger and sadness I felt overtime was praying. I don't know if God is important in your life. If it's not, then ignore this paragraph I don't mean to stuff my religion down your throat lol. But if God is important in your life, I prayed to God to help me with my anger, with the emotions I felt related to it and to give me peace of mind and heart. I lean on God whenever I get in my head about things and I start feeling upset. I give him everything. Then I also pray for my ex friend too because I didn't wish her bad. I hope she's happy and I prayed for God to look after her and be there for her. It made me feel better to think good things for her instead of bad. It made me feel like a better person.

You could try that as well, if you are comfortable and if you want to. Whenever you ruminate about means things and things you put up with related to her. I would pray. It really helps. Don't feel bad for ruminating the past, it's normal. We are all human and we should acknowledge our emotions and feel them. Especially if you need to cry.

[Opinion Owner]

Another thing that really helped me was writing all my emotions into a journal. If I could feel my emotions festering none stop, I would write on a piece of paper a letter to her. Of course you'll never send that letter unless you really want to, you could. But it's more so you can just write out everything you feel. I mean everything. The fuck yous and the go fuck yourself and all the anger you feel. You can write the most messed up meanest thing you can muster. Like for example, what I wrote, my ex friend is dating this guy who abuses her mentally and verbally. I wrote that she deserves every second of her misery with him and I hope she stays with him. Lol I know that's really awful and of course I don't mean it. But I just wrote it to get all my anger out and actually once I wrote it, I instantly felt better and all my anger just disappeared. So I definitely recommend it.

Take on new hobbies you enjoy too if you have time. Something you would enjoy and try to do self care, self love as much as you can.

Overtime you'll see it gets better. I hope you feel better and I wish the best for you!! 😀😁😊 I'll pray for you.

[nspencer]

Thank you you are so kind🙂 God definitely is a big part of my life and will definitely use prayer to get through these hard times. I’m definitely going to start writing my emotions down to get them out. I wish you the best too 🙂

[Brando10222]

Yeah, it's really toxic. Don't be friends with her anymore

[WhitneySnow]

That sounds toxic

[Havthrills]

Sounds like a selfish person and toxic.

[Rockerroy]

Yeah