Would you ignore your “friend” in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Hellooooooo I need advice lol.

I made a friend a few months ago so it’s hasn’t been so long! Maybe like 6 months ago.

She has a tendency to disappear - as in completely ignore texts or phone calls.

The first few times, she did it for a couple of weeks at a time so it didn’t bother me so much. I understand that life happens, we get busy etc etc

This time she disappeared for almost 2 months - completely ignoring my texts but still very active on social media.

I found this to be disrespectful, so when she finally got in contact with me (as her birthday was approaching), I called her out for it.

She didn’t apologise and her excuse was “she doesn’t use her phone”. She clearly does.

I had the feeling she only got in touch because her birthday was coming up, and this was confirmed when she started sending me ideas of what she wanted to do and asking me when I’d be free to meet up.

I just find it disrespectful to ignore your friend, reach out when you feel like it or when it benefits you, and you can’t even APOLOGISE.

I don’t feel like responding to her texts at all tbh but I also don’t like the drama.

What do you think I should do?

Updates

+1 y

She ignored my happy birthday text 😂😂 I wanted to keep things civil but I also said I’m busy and can’t see her. Sigh. When will I stop being a nice person.

[RealMarek]

You could tell her “I’m busy.” Or you could just tell her that you don’t want to stay in touch because she is so inconsistent. Try not to let this one get to you. She sounds like a basket case.

[Asker]

Thanks. I’m going to tell her I’m busy. I don’t really enjoy arguing with people or being on bad terms with them.

[RealMarek]

You’re welcome. She has told you she’s busy a lot, so she should accept the same reason from you. Doesn’t mean she will like it, but that’s tough.

[RealMarek]

Saw your update. I don’t think you’ll stop being a nice person. As a nice person, it’s important to avoid people who try to take advantage of your kindness or who are unfair to you.

[Asker]

Yeah I guess I do get taken advantage of a lot and I can’t help who I am. Thanks, I’m definitely working on only being available to those who earn it

[RealMarek]

One good bit of advice I got in the context of dating, but also applicable when forming friendships, is to see if your interest and efforts are reciprocated. I had a habit of forming relationships that were mostly one-way in terms of effort. Not making big time, emotional, or other investments before small ones are reciprocated helped me a lot.

[Asker]

Thank you! I guess we should look at friendships in the same way we do with romantic relationships. It never used to occur to me before. I’ve always just been the friendly type. But hey at least I’m learning

[RealMarek]

It is one way to avoid getting to deep in friendships that drag you down. Of course, one might be able to tolerate more inconsistency in a friendship than one can in a romantic relationship. I’ve had some flaky friends and just shrugged it off as human imperfection. But it’s not good if a friendship is to your detriment.

[Asker]

Yeah and it feels really crappy when eventually the friendship becomes totally unreciprocated. And then when you speak out or start giving them the same energy, you’re the bad guy! 😭

[RealMarek]

Agreed. With some people nothing is good enough.

[Alex8736]

if you receive these random texts then wait till the day after her birthday and reply with "i don't use my phone"

[Asker]

Loool that’s a good idea. So petty 😂

[Alex8736]

more like looking in a mirror "what goes around comes around" 😇

[Asker]

Haha

[KrakenAttackin]

Give her the friendship she gives you, meaning, don't come to depend on her for anything or expect much from her. If you are still interested in being friends at least you won't have unrealistic expectations.

[Asker]

I guess so!

[David4358]

You're a back burner friend.. which means she doesn't really see you as a good friend at all and will only contact you when it benefits her..
Ignore her an move on with your life.. life is to short to waste it on people like that

[Asker]

Funny thing is I’m her only friend 😂😂😂 she says she can’t be friends with anyone else because they’re all “jealous” of her but I don’t give that vibe

[David4358]

Are you sure that's true? Or is she just feeding you a line? If it's true then she seems really odd.
Seems like a it's a lot of work on your end just to try and be friends with her..

[Asker]

No I don’t think it’s true. To claim everyone is jealous of you sounds arrogant

[David4358]

Very arrogant, but I meant is it true she has no other friends?

[Asker]

Yeah it’s true

[David4358]

Well what are you going to do? Seems like she doesn't care about the friendship that much, otherwise there would be more effort on her end.
I mean to blow you off for 2 months? That's not "I didn't check my phone" missing a text or call for a day or even a weekend if your busy is one thing but 2 months is pointless to be friends with them

[KrakenAttackin]

@itsalyssaagain. She clearly has issues but perhaps you can be a good friend to her with boundaries you have set. Again, just don't ever have high expectations for her.

[Asker]

Yeah guys. I guess I don’t like being on bad terms with people but I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.

[Part2603]

For sure her friend is noncommittal and transient, but that doesn't necessarily mean that her friend thinks of her as somebody "on the back burner".
For all you know Alyssa, she might respect you quite a bit, in the sense that you are one of her friends that she knows doesn't get caught up in drama.
She could think of you as her convenient outside of my usual circle friend, and she can "rely" on you when things get hectic with her prone to jealousy friends.
It's nice to have people that are outside of your circle that can provide you that perspective where you can just be a chiller version of yourself. Or just have a friend where you can talk about stuff that you don't talk to with anyone else.
But if you feel like she's not acknowledging you or being rude then you do have the right to call her out on it.
Just be warned that maybe you're valuing your friendship more than she does. You may be surprised to discover that you thought of her as a "close" friend but kind of thinks of you as just a casual acquaintance. In fact that's probably it, right? She doesn't really think of you as a "friend friend" she just thinks you're somebody that's cool to hang around with on certain occasions.
Which is how I think of everybody these days... so maybe it's true that she doesn't have any friends.
Anyway, the point is you shouldn't beat yourself up over this, and you can't beat her up over this either. You can tell her that she should reply to your texts more timely, but you should accept that she might not be the type of friend (and possibly just to you) that wants to check in twice a week.
Me, personally I sometimes use just not replying as a pocket veto. I can just decline to reply if I need some quiet time. Usually I'll reply in a few days, but you can just text me again if I forget. With text it's easy to just make a mental note that somebody said something, and just sort of try to reply if I ever get in the mood.

[Asker]

Yeah I mean replying every few days is something I do too. But 2 months…. Damn lol. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Some people have relationships that sustain gaps like this without any injury at all. They both just get it and quickly reacquaint themselves when they meet with no animosity.
This does not sound like that. You don't like it and she appears selfish.
Doesn't seem like you and her are a good match. Your call.

[Z1pTD]

If it was me I'd try to figure out if there was something going on in their life or something and if there wasn't than okay bye

[Asker]

I don't know I think that too but then I think about everything I’m going through and I think fuck it

[Z1pTD]

Yeah fair. Sometimes helping people through rough spots or out of bad habits is the best way to help yourself (from experience lol).

[Asker]

Thanks by the way

[Z1pTD]

Oh of course! Sorry that friend is being off and on

[Asker]

Thanks :)

[Z1pTD]

Mhm anytime. If you ever need to just talk and need someone to nod or give advice lmk. Ik there've been times I would've talked to anyone lol

[Asker]

Aw thanks! I appreciate it. Same here

[Z1pTD]

Welcome :) thanks I'll keep that in mind

[Tstrbrainer]

I can't take your side as I don't often use my phone either.
But still active in certain social media

[Asker]

She meant she doesn’t log into social media or anything

[Tstrbrainer]

Maybe she isn't someone who needs constant companionship

[Asker]

Honestly I’m not a fan of being friends with someone like that either

[Tstrbrainer]

That's fair.
Maybe try limit your interaction with her

[Asker]

Yeah lol

[Anonymous]

Maybe she doesn't use her phone but her computer/laptop?

[Asker]

She definitely uses her phone. She even has an Apple Watch 😂

[Opinion Owner]

How do you know that if you haven't seen her?

[Asker]

She’s active

[KostasKouvalis]

Toss her. She sounds extremely selfish to be honest