What can a dad do with a daughter who feels left out?

[madhatters4]

I am a father of a 8-year old daughter and 6-year old boy. Love those little monsters to death. My son plays soccer and I am coach, so I go to practice with him twice a week plus games on Sunday.

My daughter, who is an incredible little being, has told my wife she feels left out that she doesn't have something to do with me and probably is a little jealous of the extra time i spend with my son.

Wondering if parents or other people have ideas of things I can do with my daughter (ideally that don't require constantly spending money) so my daughter doesn't feel left out. We of course spend plenty of time together at home playing, reading, we sing (well she sings i play guitar) together, but I'm trying to come up with outing type things to do with her

Thanks in advance

Updates

+1 y

interesting takeaway from this... ask a simple, earnest and good hearted question can get you a a lot of heat.
1. i am not asking because i'm some sort of absentee dad. quite the contrary. i am a very involved and present dad.
2. it's not about money but it is. sure i could toss money at it, but being practical there are ways to share unique experiences without spending money that we don't have to.

3. thank you very much to those who gave constructive suggestions and answers. i took notes

[BoopBoopBeep]

Museums/natural science centers/library symposiums can be free and plentiful if you're in the city. If not, you could take out to the parks for jogs or ruck marches, the latter of which would give you ample conversation time to learn about her and what's going on in her life. I learned carpentry from my mom at an early age and it's saved me a ton of money of the years. If you have a skill that has good real life benefit to it, share that with her. Pick a new trail every weekend and go hiking with her. That way she's learning about the beauty that outdoors has to offer and isn't just stuck on a phone her whole life. What's important to her? Animal rescue? Sustainable agriculture? Feeding the blind... whatever... Take her to go volunteer for whatever cause she believes in. Do it with her. Find out why it matters to her. Let her learn early that giving back to the community you care about can be extremely rewarding. What's her favorite food/drink? Take her out for it, every couple weeks if it's really bad for her as opposed to every week if it's healthy, and don't just guzzle it down and bail, but mindfully consume it with her. Can you cook? Teaching her that will be a great life skill because then she won't have to eat fast food or packaged shite her whole life. Throw a concert with her once a month. Make it a big production. doesn't' matter if you're just playing to the neighbor's dog. Set up a little stage and lights and a real/fake microphone and get into it. Write your own songs together with her FOR that concert, make special concessions to serve at it... so many of these things can build off one another to compound the effect. Quality time comes in many different forms, and when all is said and done, we don't know your daughter, what matters to her, what she likes, but she likes you (presumably), so anything you do together where the two of you are the focus she's going to cherish.

[lightbulb27]

the money thing causes an issue. answer is talk to her and get ideas.

Get her a dirt bike to ride and take her riding.

take martial arts lessons with her

go hiking or biking with her

take her on "daddy adventures"... to the zoo or to find wild edible foods, go fishing, or help animals... like walk dogs at the shelter. caution... you'll end up with a dog...

take art lessons with her

go climb trees

allocate a day or time for her

cook with her.

[madhatters4]

i like the following ideas particularly... she likes nature a lot and is an adventurous eater so she'd probably really like finding edible food in the wild. we have a zoo membership so it is effectively free (or at least already paid for)

- zoo or to find wild edible foods, go fishing, or help animals
- take art lessons with her
- go climb trees

i definitely allocate time for her, the issue was finding something special... great ideas. Thanks!!

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@madhatters4 @lightbulb27

STOP the ridiculous idea of "elible food" in the wilds.
Unless you are specifically trained to identity elible wild food the average person who tries picking & eating "wild" food ends up hurt (food poisoning, blood poisoning, death).

Lot of woodland & everyday plants are **NOT** elible to humans or only certain parts are - we all eat potato tubers as example but eat a potato leaf or stem and you may die.

[lightbulb27]

@SakuraBlossoms87 youare correct. I should have stated, take a nature course, they have them in my area where you walk around and identify items. Some things are simple in your yard. just walking around in the woods with your dad looking for mushrooms is fun.
I've neve picked one...

[madhatters4]

@SakuraBlossoms87 i don't think it's ridiculous so long as you are mindful and don't eat things you aren't sure of. surely at 41 i am intelligent enough not to just go eat any dumb thing i find

[Anonymous]

Well my Dad used to take us to walk at the mall. But of course he told us that EVEYTHING is too much and a scam to not buy anything.

So walk at the mall. Walk at the park. Go look at the pets in petshop.

Go to a public Pool. Which is free.

Go for a walk at the airport. Which is like a mall 😂

My Dad used to take us to a cheap $1 movie theater 😂

You can watch movie marathons at home like Harry Potter.

Board Games are also a Huge thing for family time.

Making food or baking something.

I just wonder why parents would bring a child into the world when they can’t even afford to spoil them. Don’t have children unless you’re rich. Unless you have like 3 different cars. Not necessarily brand new cars. But just 3 cars, and a home that you OWN. 😒😒😒 Making a child grow up in a poor / broke environment is borderline evil. I keep seeing these couples raising kids in poor / broke environments. I find that so insanely selfish!! Selfish and entitled!! WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE KIDS FOR THEN!!! WHY EVEN BRING THEM INTO EXISTENCE WHEN YOU can't EVEN SPEND A GODDAM DIME ON THEM!!
You need a job you bum 🫵 go into firefighter or EMS, or police. Get something that pays well. Because you brought them to life to this existence , to enjoy this reality. They didn’t ask to be born to no BUM. This type of shT SICKENS ME.

[Opinion Owner]

@madhatters4

40 years old and has no fucking money for his brats that he created.

THATS SHIT’S UNBELIEVABLE ‼️‼️.

[madhatters4]

i had a well crafted response.. but you know what? you talk shit on my kids.

Fuck you. You're a piece of shit!

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My dad always spent equal time with both of us.
He was my role model growing up. I always looked up to him. He taught me cycling and I was the fastest in the whole district, he even taught me arm wrestling and I used to defeat boys my age, he took us for workouts and worked out along with us,


He taught us self defense, and we used to play fight together. I never felt left out until that one occasion


My dad took my brother fishing, we were already older, 15-16 and I have felt jealous when my dad took my brother fishing, I felt left out, I didn’t care about fishing I just wanted to spend some time with him too…



I guess they needed some “man talk”. So I am fine now.


But when my dad heard I was upset, he made sure he spent some time with me too, we went out for evening walks and talked a lot about my school and everything. It reassured me that he loves me too.

[madhatters4]

sounds like you had/have a great father. I am definitely there for her in every way. inside the house i do my best, and think i achieve, allocating time equally. Where my daughter is feeling left out is otuside the house. it would be an easy fix if she liked sports and i would coach and give her that same experience my son gets but she is very non-competitive.

do have ideas of things i can take my daughter out to do that will give her that one on one time (outside of our house/property)?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you. Yep. I have an amazing dad, I am very lucky to have him.

It’s not only about the thing she’s doing with you, it’s about the time she spends with you.

Whatever my dad did, I loved being there along with him.

Even if he went to the car wash, I loves going there with him and I loved ut that he always allowed me accompany him anywhere he went.

Things that you could do for her outside your home are :

1. Teach her cycling and go on bike rides.

I am very thankful my dad taught it to me. And I learned it easily because he was always there and I knew I’d be fine even if I fell. Cycle along with her if you can.

2. Cook together with her - I loved it when my dad cooked for us and allowed me help him. He wasn’t the best at cooking but I loved that he still did it for us regardless.

3. Read her bedtime stories. I loved when my dad did that, even though he only knew one bedtime story. I still never got bored of it.

4. Go out to jog/run outside and take her with you. Compete with her. My dad and I often competed running high the stairs, we lived on 13th floor and sometimes we felt energetic and used stairs instead of elevator.

What kind of things does she like? If she’s not sporty or competitive there must still be things she enjoys, try to do those things together with her.

There are many more things we did together. But you see? It was never about how much money he spent, it was always simple things we did together that mattered the most to me.

Give her some one on one time, just be hers for that time, because now you mostly spend time with your son and she probably feels you are more like his dad than her dad.

Take her out on a picnic, try to accompany her to her school activities. So that she knows you are equally interested in her hobbies.

Hug her a lot and tell how much you love her.

None of “I love yous” that I’ve ever heard have felt as sweet and heart melting as my dad’s.

[madhatters4]

i think it's a matter of 3-days a week i go and do something with my son and she doesn't have something similar. trust me when i'm home i hug her, love her, kiss her, play with her, read with her, cook too. I don't think it's necessarily a major issue to her frankly but she mentioned it once to my wife (that she wished she had something similar to soccer to do with me) and it made me feel bad. so i'm mostly trying to be proactive and find something we can do outside the hosue.

you've given some great ideas. I really appreciate it.

[jennifer_bloom]

When I was a kid, my grandma taught me origami and would tutor me in math. That might be a way to bond with your daughter. I’m just telling you, origami might be over in 20 minutes so you might want a longer activity. Teaching her to prepare meals like salads might also be a bonding activity. You could pick a salad that takes a really long time to prepare so she feels like she gets the full one or two hours with you. Another activity could be driving her to a park and going on a hike or jog with her while you talk to her about her friendships at school. That is a cheap way to bond with your daughter.

[madhatters4]

we have a had a great time recently with me teaching her to cook. especially grilling.

origami does sound like a really neat activity. one for the activity but then having the cool little pieces that i know she'd probably figure into her imaginary play.

thank you. i appreciate it

[Anonymous]

Think of what she enjoys doing, what kind of person she is and her interests and go from there. Obviously we have no clue because we don’t know her. But like go the park, the beach, build a secret hide out/tree house, take walks/go hiking, camp, go fishing, go for picnics, bicycling, visit the library, go get her favorite fast food and eat in the car while just driving around (I was older than your daughter but my dad and I used to do that sometimes and I loved it), ice skating, sledding, museums, have a home spa (paint her nails, do her hair, do a facial mask and let her do a facial for you or do your hair if you have hair in a funny hairstyle). You don’t have to do the same thing every time.

[madhatters4]

really great ideas. thank you so much. sadly male pattern baldness makes the funny hairstyle activity pretty tough (and i love the idea). but tons of great ideas i will definitely use.
Appreciate it

[sage2021]

When I was a young girl I loved bike riding. That's something you two can do together.
Go out for a special father daughter dress up dinner at a nice restaurant.

Let her bake something for you like a cake or cupcakes and be her assistant. And sample what she baked.
I liked swimming too.

I liked my skateboard to ride.

Go out for ice cream after your special dinner.

[madhatters4]

she really loves going out for meals. i'm trying to avoid spending money but that is a very good idea

[Static_In_The_Attic]

As for your daughter buy her a princess costume & buy a king costume for yourself & take your little princess out on a little daddy daughter date. Take her roller skating or ice skating or something fun like that & don’t forget to take her for ice cream as well.

[madhatters4]

hmmm. this might be a great idea. Thanks!

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Take that idea & apply it to really life. Don’t forget the king & princess costumes. Enjoy your one on one time with your daughter & I guarantee she will enjoy it as well.

[sheikalana]

Maybe you could have a specific day of the week/weekend to do things with her and give her all the attention she's seeking. For example Wednesday it's her day and every Wednesday she has to plan something she wants to do could be anything like going to the cinema and then grabbing her favorite food, going to a spa, shopping, doing her nails etc etc girls always come up with new things to do. She's going to feel so special and loved she'll look forward for Wednesdays to come every week.

[madhatters4]

i think it is a good idea to set up a dedicated day to do something with her. i think it would be good because she can look forward to it. i feel like she'll say, "i don't know" but i will definitely ask her for ideas of things she'd like to do

[madhatters4]

thanks for your response

[sheikalana]

Not problem at all. If she says "I don't know" give her some ideas like going shopping, doing her nails if she's girly she'll love those things. All the best.

[gorydetails]

1) Do things she likes doing

2) Do things with her in nature - hiking, fishing, biking

3) Do things she may not like but are good life lessons - how to shoot, how to hunt, how to change a tire.

The bottom line is she craves your attention. The activity is secondary.

[madhatters4]

thanks. i understand the desire if for the experience. finding that experience is what i'm struggling to find because i do do (haha, do-do) a lot with her.

Thanks again. the nature ideas are excellent.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@madhatters4 You say that your daughter doesn't play soccer because she's not competitive. What's keeping you from playing soccer with her just for the fun of it?

As for special things you can do with her.

Ask her.

She's capable of talking, you're capable of talking.

It's that simple.

But STOP the ridiculous idea of "elible food" in the wilds.
Unless you are specifically trained to identity elible wild food the average person who tries picking & eating "wild" food ends up hurt (food poisoning, blood poisoning, death).

Lot of woodland & everyday plants are **NOT** elible to humans or only certain parts are - we all eat potato tubers as example but eat a potato leaf or stem and you may die.

.

[mobiusforniner]

Listen to your kids. Give your kids options. Something to choose, that they want. I gave my kids options for sports, music lessons, dance, etc. My son wanted karate. So I researched and signed him up. He loves it. And i commit myself to go to all his lessons. Three times a week. Supporting him. Connecting him with new friends. Proudly cheering him on after his belt exams. I dont know shit about karate, but there's incredible power in having your child choose something they want and seeing you by their side. My relationship with him has changed completely.

Conversely, my parents forced me into doing what they wanted. Their quality time was based on my obedience. I dont have a relationship with my parents.

[rigmarole]

Go to the beach with her and collect shells. Buy a spool of string and make shell jewelry with her out of the shells you collected together. Then she can wear them.

[madhatters4]

good idea. have to see if we can find a time to go to the beach before it's too cold but that is a great idea.
Thank you!!

[HelpfulWoman]

well ask her what sort of hobby she is into. feels abit unfair you're not willing to spend some money on her when I bet you do as a coach and for your son in soccer...

[madhatters4]

i do spend money on extracurricular activities for her (she does karate and drama) so the idea of having to do outside activities with her that require even more money is a financial strain i don't think should be needed. that is somewhat of the challenge. my son's activities can include me. i can can't be included in karate or drama. so my goal is to full the space in a way that fulfills her but doesn't mean i spend excess money.

because by your logic then it would be unfair to my son... not being argumentative but just trying to illustrate the point. trust me. I'm a father (who was a middle child) and I try my absolute best to keep things fair

[HelpfulWoman]

You can't find a place that will do any type of karate where you can participate too? Sounds more like making an excuse. The thing is that she's seeing you take the son out and about to do what he wants and what you likes. As the child who had this type of relationship with my mother (abuse aside, we both were into horses, my siblings were not), i can also say that not putting in the effort and potential extra finances to her will create resentment between her and her brother.

[madhatters4]

thanks for not being at all helpful and instead being negative. you have no idea what kind of father i am. my wife, family and friends will tell you I'm an amazing father. I take it as a grave insult that someone who doesn't know me at all would come at me for asking how i can do even more for my daughter. i could simply not bother right? the fact that i ask should be the 1st sign that i'm not looking for excuses. damn

[HelpfulWoman]

yet you're busy going on the offensive even though i've literally said similar to other's you've been cordial to? dude...

[Randogirl491]

I agree with HelpfulWoman. It is understandable you might want to be careful with money but it could be an issue here. The thing is your daughter is probably aware on some level that there's time and money invested by you so your son can do a regular activity out of the house that dad even participates in and what she's picking up is that dad doesn't do the same for her. If she doesn't now I can guarantee you that later she will wonder if you love her less than her bro and will just end up assuming it and also resent her brother because of it. It's also teaching her that she is just naturally worth less than her brother. She is going to believe this. That's the type of seemingly unimportant thing people talk about when they say misogyny and self hatred is ingrained early in girls. The right thing would be to allow both kids an activity or none. My parents paid for soccer and ballet for my big sis and bro and me and my little sister never got to do anything. We were able to unserstand quickly that there was a money issue and were able to do the rest of the math on our own. Not trying to be mean, just letting you know that while it doesn't look like a big deal to you it is going to be for your daughter and it's going to leave marks on your relationship, her personnality and self esteem.

[madhatters4]

@Randogirl491 she's 8. it's not about money. it's about feeling like 3-days a week i do something wtih my son and her and i do not have a regular schedule thing like that. if you read up i did mention in a response that she currently does two things that we spend money on (more frankly than my son's soccer league)

i think we need to stick with what we know. give people who show good intentions the benefit of a doubt.

she wants to do something with me. we get along great. i play pretend with her multiple times a week in and around our house. it's more that she sees me leave the house 3x's with my son, come home and talk about strategies and what not for soccer. she wants to just do something similar.

i frankly don't NEED to do anything. my kids get more than enough attention. but i like to go above and beyond so i asked.

[Smashingdoozy]

Well what does she like doing?

Would she enjoy just going on a walk together? Maybe going to a playground? Is there any sports that she likes that you could play one on one together.

[madhatters4]

she likes reading, writing, acting. she likes visually stimulating things (e. g. it's Halloween and one of oru traditions is going out together a few nights a week (just her and I) and looking at Halloween decorations... and we do the same at Christmas)

[madhatters4]

thanks for your response

[Anonymous]

You could maybe spend a whole day a couple of times a month with just you and her. I have a younger brother and sister my mom spends a day a month with each of us takes us out to dinner and whatever we want to do. What are some of her favorite things to do?

[LiamJHayden]

What does she enjoy outside? Or you think might enjoy? That is the place to start. She might like bird watching. She might like fishing. Maybe flying kites. Whatever it is find something that she will be into.

[madhatters4]

appreciate your suggestions. kite flying is a good idea. she does like nature so finding some nature type activities is a good idea. i'll have to get on it as it is getting colder

[jahaims]

Find a hobby she enjoys and you can be a part of. Join jiu jitsu together, hiking, or build a model together. They have educational model building for her age group. I remember building a mock engine around that age and similar things.

[madhatters4]

interesting. thank you very much for the suggestions. she did martial arts last spring and was really good at it but didn't want to do it again. i wonder if we could find a place where parents and kids took lessons together she'd be into it.

[jahaims]

That is common in jiu-jitsu.

[madhatters4]

true jiu-jitsu is partnered activity vs karate (which she took in the spring). I'll look into it. Thanks again. I do appreciate it

[genericname85]

you're the adult so you can judge this better. does she "feel left out" cause she is left out? or does she feel like that cause she doesn't have such a high investment hobby like your son has? i mean you seem to spend quality time just with her as well. so is there really an imbalance or is that just how she feels?

[madhatters4]

it's more just feeling left out because she sees my son and i sharing an experience she doesn't get. you know what i mean?
it's not a true lack of attention given just that thing a kid feels sometimes. I really couuld do nothing because lord knows my kids get more than enough attention. but i'm always open to a clever idea i haven't thought of yet

[genericname85]

yeah man, i get what you mean. but don't you also share an experience with her that your son is not a part of? i mean you can never make everything 100% the same for everyone. and you can't help not personally sharing a hobby with her.

[madhatters4]

you're right. i figure if i can kind a good, low/no cost thing to do then i'll do it. it's been weeks since she made the comment to my wife and doesn't seem down or anything. you know how it is though. most parents don't want to hear their child is even the slightest unhappy

[Anonymous]

Feed the ducks
Blow bubbles
Skip rocks at the water
Bake a cake
Watch a comedy movie
Treat her the way you’d want her future man to treat her. She learns all that from you from the start and onwards.

[madhatters4]

thanks for the response. i do those things with her. we have tons of stories we laugh about (e. g. the day we drove all over our county looking for ducks to feed and couldn't find any).
i treat her better than any man will treat her, so no worries on that

this is just about her feeling left out and things and requesting ideas for things to do beyond what i usually do

thanks for your ideas!! appreciate it

[Opinion Owner]

Good job 👏 ♥️

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Little daughters, age 8 could like to take Barbie dolls or baby dolls and play dress up with them, it's hard to say also they could like to go walking through Nature and see trees changing colors or look for any deer out in the woods, but I would be careful with any drop off areas that can happen with holes in the ground.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't your wife spend the time with your daughter?

[madhatters4]

she does

[Anonymous]

Take her with you anywhere, she is anyway spiritually more intelligent and elevated then you, you will learn things from her

[FunkyMonkee]

Include her.

[madhatters4]

you mean force her to play a sport she doesn't want to play?

[FunkyMonkee]

Is that all you do? Do things she might like to do. Doing only what you wanna do is excluding her. Play cards with her, take her on walks, take her to amusement parks or miniature golfing, ride a bike with her, when it snows build a snowman or igloo with her. Maybe get a video game she'd like where two can play and compete with her. Take her to movies or the museum. Around here, we have the science center. Take her to some local factory that gives tours and shows you how they make what they make. Send her over here, I'd LOVE to have somebody to do that kind stuff with! I could at least teach her about music. If she's into magic, I could teach her about that. I WISH I had a daughter to do that stuff with!
You don't know what you're missing! Take advantage of this time with her while you have it! It will be gone before you know it! She'll appreciate and cherish it for the rest of her life! You probably will, too.

[madhatters4]

you try getting to know me before you make assumptions about my parenting. i am an excellent parent. i spend the majority of my day (when not working) taking care of and doing things with my kids. we do many of the things you suggested. and i appreciate the suggestions. I'm just trying to come up with some little things that will be special to her because she feels left out, not due to my lack of attention but because the soccer thing with my son means we sort of share a special experience... you are right. i don't know what i'm missing, because i'm not missing it.

[FunkyMonkee]

I was just suggesting.
From your first response to my comment, it sounded like all you know is sports.

[whistlingwh0res]

Barbie time!