Why would a close male friend suddenly cut you out of his life and be hurtful?

[Anonymous]

I've known this guy for 16 years and we've always been close. He took me around his city to check off every item on my bucket list, always hit me up when he was home to get dinner and drinks, never missed texting me on holidays or my birthday, and we just always had a good time together. He came home at Christmas and invited me to come stay with him for a weekend again. The last time I did that he made passes, smacking my as*, feeling up my legs, wanting me to sleep in bed with him, etc. I brought this up and was honest that it made me uncomfortable. He apologized and then got really weird. He said he was embarrassed and ashamed, then ended the friendship the next day. Then he reached out a week later and for 2 weeks all was fine. Then he ended it again, repeating that he can't rekindle a friendship or be the friend I deserve. Our friendship was never lost so it didn't make sense. Then he said our friendship never meant anything to him and the last 10 years of it were bad, which isn't even true. Then he said I have remnants of romantic feelings in my rose tinted view of our friendship. Also not true, and I'm not the one who made passes. I'm just super confused and really hurt and upset. Why would he suddenly change like this? Why does he hate me now?

[Flatmanlewis]

Okay. This is something women don’t usually understand since the world treats men & women differently.


There is a breed of man that, for a variety of reasons, has difficulty being comfortable about being direct and confident about what they want. The reasons vary so we’ll just suffice to say it’s not uncommon and usually is the mark of an insecure man. These dudes will become absolutely devoted “best friends” with a girl. They will pour an insane amount of love and caring into her hoping - counting - on her eventually seeing how special he is to her and suddenly falling in love with him.


She, enjoying the benefits of a loving and caring man, while usually offering very little in return except “friendship” honestly and truly believes that’s what the two of them are sharing. This poor guy, happy to take whatever he can get in way of affection and caring from a woman, is often times reluctant or downright unwilling to risk upsetting the status-quo by doing anything which would change the dynamic. He simply pours more and more love into the situation hoping things change. He may feign little attempts to initiate physical contact like back rubs, touching over a Netflix movie, and so on -hoping for a reciprocal response but rarely does that happen.


One of three things eventually happen:
He makes a move and gets rejected and (literally) suffers the pain & hurt of a broken heart. Some people hide pain behind anger.


He stays in this eternal limbo hoping daily for HER to change the situation to his liking.


She grows tired of the situation or, most likely, finds a man who she does like romantically and the “friend” either cannot adapt or tolerate seeing his dream girl with another guy.


The thing that almost never happens is the girl suddenly sprouts love for him and they become a couple. Does that happen? Yes, but rarely and a lot less than these “friend guys” would like.


Why did he cut you off? Because he now knows his end game is done for and you will never be the one he wants you to be. He made a bold move and now the cats out of the bag. The veil is dropped.


Then again, this is only my opinion.

[Asker]

That actually makes a lot of sense. The part that really confuses me is if he liked me more than a friend than why did he deny it after making passes? I definitely rejected his attempts, but literally days later when I tried talking about it and being a bit flirty to try figuring things out he got super defensive and said he didn't feel that way after all. When we actually talked it out recently he went from apologizing to saying I made him uncomfortable. I didn't initiate or reciprocate though. What's his deal? I really miss my friend.

[Flatmanlewis]

It’s hard to say 100% what his deal is since a persons motives and psychology are as unique as they are complex. In the most likely scenario he’s emotionally torn between denying he was into you (and therefore wasn’t really rejected) and deeply troubled by the fact he DOES like you and failed. He probably doesn’t even know how to handle it.

[Asker]

Could that be why he kept repeating that he couldn't be the friend and confidant I deserve? He also said he didn't have it in him to rekindle a friendship, but it was never lost. He then told me to think about what he'd said. Nothing was wrong until we talked about the past. He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior and the very next day acted weird and ended the friendship the first time. (This happened twice).

[Anonymous]

He took a chance and it ended with him embarrassed and hurt. You can't go back to the way you were so he's ended it. The hurtful things said was just his way of getting out. Not necessarily true.

[Asker]

So, when the touching incident initially happened we tried talking about it and he got really defensive and said he didn't like me as more than a friend at all. We dropped it and stayed close, but I couldn't stay with him again until we talked it out. This time he was super supportive until I said what bothered me. He kept saying he couldn't be the friend or confidant I deserve. That I'm not the problem and I've done nothing wrong. And that he's proud of me and thinks I'm stronger than I can give myself credit for. Then he asked me to think about what he had said. What does that even mean?

[Opinion Owner]

He said that defensively. He was embarrassed and hurt because he likes you and took a chance. He can't go back to the way it was.

[Asker]

But why would he not just talk to me about it instead of getting mean and blame shifting? He completely cut me off, and we were close. I really miss him.

[Opinion Owner]

Men can react differently than woman. They often bottle up. Woman more often want to talk.

[Asker]

So you think the whole reason we suddenly can't be friends and he got mean is because he has more than platonic feelings?

[Opinion Owner]

Correct