Why would a long-time close male friend suddenly start being mean?

[Anonymous]

I've been friends with this guy for 16 years, and close friends at that. We used to hangout in our group of friends and as we got older we started hanging out one on one. He'd hit me up every time he was home and ask to get dinner and drinks. We did everything together, always had the best time, and we'd talk about anything. He confided in me about lots of things, we were almost like siblings. We hung out during the holidays and he'd been texting me a lot, sending the nicest texts on Christmas, and inviting me up come stay with him again. Everything was fine. After he left we talked out a past incident where he'd made passes at me touching my legs up and smacking my butt and I was uncomfortable. I just wanted to talk it out and move on. He talked very poorly about himself, said he was embarrassed and ashamed, then the next day he ended the friendship. Then he'd reach back out and act hot and cold for weeks. Then he ended it again, accused me of being the one with feelings, and said our friendship never meant anything to him. I'm crushed. It's been six months. He's never been this way. Amy input on what might have caused his change would be greatly appreciated. I deeply miss my friend.

[luvstoned4him]

I went through the same thing and my friendship ended a few months back. I think he expected you to be his girlfriend or at least give him sex and when he didn't get it, he got mad

[Asker]

But why did he accuse me of being the one with feelings when he's the one who made passes? He was one of my best friends and nothing was wrong up until this point. It happened so suddenly, and I've never known him to be mean. He also kept being hot and cold and saying he couldn't be the friend I deserve or rekindle a friendship. It doesn't make sense and I miss him terribly. I'd give anything to have him back in my life.

[luvstoned4him]

@Asker he wants to be more than friends.

[Asker]

I don't mean to be repetitive, I'm honestly just confused. Wouldn't he just say if he had feelings? It doesn't make sense to accuse me of feelings and deny his. Or to abruptly end a 16 year friendship. He wanted to get together every time he was home. He'd invite me to events with him and he even took me around his city and checked off every item on my bucket list. So I know it's not true when he says our friendship never mattered to him, but I don't know why he said it and shut me out.

[luvstoned4him]

@Asker umm men say a lot of things when they are hurt. So me and my male friend hang out and visited places but I never went to his house or allowed him to touch me inappropriate ever. I was always strict about my boundaries and he respected them still he really believed one day I would get with him and when I didn't it hurt him bad till he cussed me out. He blocked me and just like that 9 years of friendship has gone down the drain.

[TommyMountainFigure]

If I was to take a guess, I'd say it hit a nerve and finally hit home you and he could never be more than friends!

[Asker]

Why did he blame shift though? He said I have remnants of romantic feelings but he's always been a bff to me and I've never so much as flirted.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Just because he's never told you how he feels about you,, does not mean he can't have secret feelings for you.. As for blame transferral, that is EXACTLY what someone who has feelings for you would do! That is just psychology 101

[Asker]

I'm not sure what you mean. Wouldn't he just tell me if he had feelings instead of accusing me and denying his? He's never been a mean person, so none of this makes any sense. He always wanted to spend time together, even taking me around his city and checking off everything I wanted to do. I know our friendship mattered to him, but I don't know why he's suddenly being cold and saying otherwise. It crushes me.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Something must have changed for him to suddenly turn on you this way. People don't for no good reason. Have you hinted at anything changing? Even something so minute you don't think it worth mentioning?

[Asker]

The only thing that happened was we had a discussion about a past visit where I stayed with him and he made some passes at me. He had smacked my butt and then felt up my legs while watching a movie on his bed. When I slept on his couch he said he kinda thought I'd sleep in with him, and I woke up to him touching my arm. I wanted to talk this out and move forward. It was a handful of years ago but I've never stayed with him since, and he again invited me to so I felt we needed to talk things out first. I told him I'm not mad and I forgave him a long time ago, that I just wanted to talk it out. That's when he changed. The very next day he ended the friendship for the first time. He kept saying he couldn't be the friend I deserve or rekindle a friendship. That I'm not the problem and he doesn't want or need me to apologize. Then he reached back out, then after two weeks he ended things again. I don't get it.