If you were old and your child passed away, would you want to know?

[Anonymous]

My family and I are debating whether to give my 92 year-old great-grandma the bad news about her son's (grandpa) passing. She only knew his condition wasn't good when she sometimes visited him at the hospital but we lied to her that he's going to improve. The truth is he wasn't going to ever get better.

She has no dementia and has been asking about him a few times this past week. We haven't told her that he's dead. The news will greatly devastate her and there is a chance she might not be able to handle it. She had issues getting pregnant for years, had him in her mid 30's and he was her only child.

If you were her, in your early 90's and still with good memory, would you want to know about your child's passing? Should we tell her? If so is there a more calmer way to bring her the news?

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

This is so delicate, we don't know how to bring her the news.

Updates

+1 y

Ladies and gentlemen here,
We just told her today. As predicted, she asked many questions, including why is he dead if he was improving in health. Then she proceeded with asking if we lied, why, what rights we had over lying aobut it, who asked us to not tell her anything about his prognosis, etc. She's been crying all day long, at some point she almost fainted and we had to get her water with lemon. She's very, super emotional at this moment and wouldn't even eat much.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Yes, I would. She is 92 and in possession of her mind. She has the right to know, and by not being honest from the start, her opportunity to prepare for his death was taken away by your family. I know it's tricky and it was intended to save her emotional pain, but it actually added to it and has now created a trust issue. Your family has inserted too much of how they feel into the situation, rather than being objective (I know, it's very hard to be objective when you are so close to it).

As for her being devastated and not being able to handle it, she's 92. I'm sure she would feel that she has lived a full life. I know I would. And, she's 92. I'm sure she's been through grief before and seen and dealt with a lot in her time.

The main challenge I see here is that you all don't want to cause her pain, which is really sweet. However, you didn't cause her pain (except by not being honest). You didn't kill her son. Life happened, and you all happen to be the messengers. The kindest thing to do is just say "We haven't been honest with you and we need to tell you something that will be difficult to hear. But we know you would want the truth of the matter". I suspect she'll agree. And then tell her quickly. "Your son [name] had [X happen] and has died". And then just let it sink in for a minute as you comfort her. Let her take it from there and don't try to stop her grief or fix anything.

I wish you luck. No one wants to have to be the one to break the news.

[Asker]

Thank you very much. We're going to tell her the bad news tomorrow morning. Given by her natural trait of being a question that asks questions, I suspect she's going to be pissed of at us for not being honest. It's ok though. We all deserved getting reprimanded big time for lying to her.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Good for you! She sounds like she's got more than her fair share of spirit. :D

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Well done. I am so sorry; that is so difficult to deal with emotionally. Hang in there, it's going to be rough. <3

[Asker]

No, she didn't take it well at all. I've posted the updated follow up. She doesn't want to speak to any of us at this moment.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Ouch. You did the right thing, but that hurts.

[rosemilk]

you need to tell her asap. seriously. it's messed up to lie or not to tell her about the status of her own child, regardless of age.

[Asker]

I understand. She'll receive the news tomorrow morning. Omg, it's going to crush her. She's going to be devastated.

[rosemilk]

i know, i'm so sorry. but it's the right thing to do

[Asker]

We just did. I just updated it. She doesn't want to speak to me nor anyone at this moment. She's very depressed and extremely upset about the lie we told her.

[Asker]

We never meant to hurt her.

[rosemilk]

sorry to hear. it will take her awhile to come back ground, but at least you told her the truth now

[onedarkcloud]

I think being 90 plus she can process life and death and she is entitled to know of his death so she can start the process of grieving. If not told someone will slip and start an argument as to why she was not told right away. You are not helping her by hiding the death.

[Asker]

She knows by now and was furious with us about the lie. She's been crying all day long. She won't speak to me nor anyone of us. I've updated it.

[abc3643]

Since she does not have dementia, you must tell her.

[abc3643]

Your grandfather is about my age, slightly younger.
Yes, she will have lost her only child BUT she has grandchildren and great-grandchildren. This will keep her going.
Tell her the truth.
If you do not and she misses any funeral arrangements, the shit will really hit the fan.

[Asker]

yeah she gave birth to him when she was 34. He was only 58 when he died. So sad. We're going to tell her soon this week.

[abc3643]

YOU TELL HER BEFORE ANY FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS. If you do not, you are really going to regret it. Like she'll die faster because she was betrayed by her family and will feel all alone and be filled with anger and hate toward everyone.

[Asker]

The funeral service will be held next week but yes she'll come. I've made an update. She's been crying all day long. At some point when we brought the news, she nearly fainted. We had to comfort her and drink her water and lemon. She was also extremely angry with us about the lying about his prognosis. She asked lots of questions. She wants to be alone in her room for the moment and not speak to any of us.

[abc3643]

RESPONSE TO UPDATE:
All of that was predictable.

Let her be but you personally can say this to her privately: That you are there for her if she needs you.

[Asker]

Thank you very much. I did said that but in an angry tone she told me to leave. It was sad seeing her this way. We didn't mean to hurt her. Yes I'll let her be.

[jennifer_bloom]

When my 2nd uncle died, we told our grandma he joined a monastery and the head master would not let him use the phone because new recruits had to earn technology privileges through years of devotion to the sangha.

[Asker]

That's a good way to avoid crushing her a lot. I think we're going to have to tell though because she's been asking for him and wants to visit him at the hospital again. I don't think it's going to work on her.

[MisterWack]

You lied to her, saying it would improve….
You put yourselves into this position and better make it right by telling her the news. If my son passed away, I would want to know, 50 or 80 or 130 years old you should tell them the truth.

[Asker]

I fully understand. We're going to tell her tomorrow, first thing in the morning. She's going to be super devastated. Then afterwards, likely very pissed off after she starts asking the when, how, where questions and the obvious ''but I thought he was improved, what happened''. She's very smart for her age.

[Aubrey97]

There's no delicate way to say it. You just have to say it. And you all shouldn't have lied about his prognosis. You need to tell her before she possibly finds out some other way or that would be really bad.

[Asker]

When we lied at the time, we were trying to make her feel better, give her some hope. Now we're going to tell her tomorrow morning. Yeah she's going to be very devastated and then pissed off at all of us.

[DJB72]

I'd be extremely pissed off with my family if they didn't tell me.

Don't deny her the chance to say goodbye to him. Have the decency to respect that she's older and he had children and grandchildren.

Respect her enough to be honest.

[Asker]

We'll tell her tomorrow in the morning. I wish there was a better way to bring her the bad news but there isn't. This is going to crush her so much.

[DJB72]

Fifty years ago before he had children, but it's her family through him telling her.

She'll mourn. But she's earned the right to do that, and she has you.

I wish you peace 🕊️

[Asker]

We just told her. I've updated it. She's extremely pissed of at all of us for lying about his prognosis, for not giving her the chance to let her say goodbye to him at the hospital. I've never seen her yelling so much in my life. She's been crying all day long. She doesn't want to speak to any of us (including me whom she adores; she told me to leave); I felt so terrible seeing her like that. We never meant to hurt her.

[DJB72]

She's grieving right now - rightly so. I'm not surprised by her reaction.

Please tell me you haven't had the funeral yet! It's important for her to be able to be there, even to deliver his eulogy if she's up to it.

Give her a day then got to see her. Be humble and apologetic - not that I'd expect anything less from your responses here - and let her take it out on you.

Cry with her. Sit with her in silence. Tell her you're not going to let her go through it alone because she ISN'T alone - even if she feels like she is.

It's not going to be easy for either of you. She feels like you didn't respect her enough to be honest. That's a huge betrayal for her to get past, and the only way to get past it is to confront it by letting her shout and scream at you until she's able to cry with you.

My grandfather's youngest daughter was killed in a fire while he was still in his fifties. My parents lost my little brother in a road accident. I know it's not the same, but I can tell you how a parent is impacted by their child's death. It's not natural for them at any age. Parents instinct is to be their child's protector no matter how old they are.

Good luck. 🕊️

[Levin]

She may be 92 but you still have to respect her dignity, especially since she still has all her faculties. She should know.

Just my view.

[Asker]

We've all agreed she'll be told of the bad news tomorrow morning. There is no better way of telling her. Then for sure she's going to ask question of when it happened, how, why if he was getting better, what happened and likely be super pissed off at us for delaying the news.

[LiamJHayden]

Because of the specifics, yes, you should let her know.

[Asker]

We just did. It's on the update. It was a super hard blow to her. She was yelling at us (to me also, called out what we did was so mean, so cruel) over the lie about his prognosis, got extremely pissed off. She's been crying all day long and wants to be left alone in her room for the meantime, not speak to any of us.

[EmmaMary]

Absolutely damn right I would... Just why the hell wouldn't I? smh

[Asker]

We know this will crush her a lot and given her age, we thought this was too delicate for her and wanted to make her feel better. We're going to tell her of the bad news tomorrow morning.

[EmmaMary]

The sooner the better.

Now, putting yourself in her position, would you want to know?

[Asker]

you're right and yes I would want to know if I were her.

[EmmaMary]

Then that answers everything... Period.

[Asker]

We told her. It's on the upset. She was extremely devastated, sad and super pissed off with all of us for lying about the prognosis.

[kylee2437]

That’s her child, she deserves to know. Regardless if she’s old, she deserves to mourn like everyone else

[Asker]

I understand that. Though is there a better way to tell her the bad news?

[kylee2437]

Just tell her flat out. My father recently passed and my 87 year old grandmother instantly was told the truth. She was at least happy to be apart of his funeral services even though she didn’t talk to her son for years. Regardless of age, people deserve to grieve.

[Asker]

yeah you're right. There is no point in hiding it for too long. She's been asking for him again. I feel very sad for her. I'm sorry for your loss. It must've been hard on your grandmother.

[MacDaddyRico]

Start by apologizing to her for your lies. Be honest with her; explain that you had good intentions but didn't think it through.
Ask/beg her for forgiveness.
Show her the respect she deserves as a matriarch of your family!

[Asker]

@MacDaddyRico
Thank you. We'll tell her tomorrow morning.

[Asker]

It's on the update. We did apologized to her for the lies but she didn't want to listen to our apologies. She was extremely pissed off.

[Staximus]

You have to tell her, it's not right if you don't

[Asker]

We're going to tell her tomorrow, first thing in the morning. She's going to be so crushed, so devastated.

[Danny_dan92]

Not sure why you wouldn’t

[Asker]

It's going to devastate her.

[Danny_dan92]

Imagine how she’ll feel knowing her family kept the passing of a loved one secret from her

[Asker]

Both depressed and likely very pissed off. Yeah we're going to have to tell her this week. She's been asking for him again.

[Danny_dan92]

Precisely

[Asker]

We told her today and as predicted, she's both depressed and extremely upset with all of us for lying about the prognosis, for denying her the chance to see him alive at the hospital for the last time. We all apologized but she isn't speaking to any of us at this moment.

[MacDaddyRico]

You lied to her?
Shame on you.

[Asker]

It's that we all considered her age and felt very sad for her. We didn't mean to hurt her, were just trying to give her hope, make her feel better.
But we're not going to lie anymore. First thing tomorrow morning, she'll be informed of the bad news. She's going to be super, very devastated.

[MacDaddyRico]

Lie to give her hope? Are you kidding me? Hope for what, that your lie is not a lie? Do you realize how insane that sounds?

[Asker]

This might sound selfish but we weren't thinking too much at that moment except saving her of emotional pain at such an advanced age.