Is it ever okay for parents to drop by your place uninvited?

[mobiusforniner]

I keep telling my in laws to stop doing this. I’d wake up and find them loitering in my yard. Or they invite themselves over for dinner. Or they’ll get angry I’m not at home when they come over, because I’m not “including them” in my plans. We’ve distanced myself from them and they refuse to honor our request, claiming I’m “controlling and abusive”. Just this week I came home from work late, wife and kids were at sports practice, and my in laws car was right there in my driveway. House was totally dark. I watched from a distance until they left. No text. No call. Didn’t leave anything at my door. Am I wrong for being pissed?

Updates

11 mo

I confronted them about it. They said they were in the area to “watch wildlife” and look at Christmas lights. It was pitch dark and I’m in a mostly rural area. How the fuck do you watch wildlife in the dark? I called bullshit. But they got mad and claimed I was making them feel bad right before for the holidays.

[Friendlybro79]

You are wrong.. Wrong for not flipping the hell out lol. You didn't ask for advice but I'm giving it because this would annoy the duck out of me and I want to save you man haha.

This is insane. Tell them this isn't about control it's about respecting boundaries. The only controlling ones are them because they force their presence onto you whenever they feel like it.

It needs to be a tough conversation to say I need my own space and we can plan visits. Tell them it's ok if you don't understand why but you just need know my reason. If they are struggling just tell them it's actually rude to come unannounced and it seems that they don't know that.

Make it clear you're not saying you don't want them in your life but that this is not acceptable behavior and no one tolerates this at the rate they are doing this.

If they have keys to the house tell them this is for emergencies only. Who the hell does this? Especially since you've said stop. I'm not sure how you've told them to stop but damn it man they're aren't getting it. Why would they still want to continue this after being told stop. Organized visits. These are the times we're available take it or leave it. Ten bucks their favorite TV show is Everybody loves Raymond lol.

[mobiusforniner]

I’ve told them multiple times. And I’m NOT nice about it. They roll into the whole “you’re stealing our grand babies” and “we were just in the area and you’re so mean for hurting people with good intentions”.

[Friendlybro79]

Holy crap man I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. They're asking to be shunned and that should never happen with families. What does your spouse say?

[mobiusforniner]

LOL. It took years for her to back me up man. She shuts them off now but even her yelling at them doesn't stop their persistence. It's a complete lack of self awareness. It makes me mad with the gaslighting- always telling me I'm somehow messed up. So the answers to this question at least confirm I'm not crazy.

[Friendlybro79]

You're. It crazy and they're totally gaslighting you. You gotta just tell them if they come again unannounced we're not answering the door and for every time you do it's a month of zero communication. Then you need to say this is all up to you. What we can do is every Friday come over for dinner and holidays blah blah etc. Set serious rules and follow through with what you say you will do.

If this doesn't work move and don't tell them where. Create a shell company, to buy property under , so they can't find you ahahaha. I'm just kidding and don't even know how shell companies work but you're def not crazy. Sorry brother. Good luck

[petitedollbabee]

Definitely not wrong for being upset with their actions. Thats is incredibly strange and overstepping behaviour.


The only reason for parents coming by uninvited or unannounced that I personally excuse is if there’s an emergency or if they’re just quickly coming by to use our toilet. For example, my mother works a cleaning job that she travels just outside of town for to clean country houses. She’s not allowed to use clients bathrooms. So often after her jobs, she will quickly pop by my place to use the toilet and say a quick hello before she drives home. I don’t mind it.

[petitedollbabee]

If I were in your shoes, I would be threatening police action. You’ve tried to set boundaries, they’re ignoring them. They’re showing up on your property at strange hours. That is not okay.

[mobiusforniner]

I totally agree. The part that gets me is that they immediately dismiss any “issue” and claim I’m being unreasonable and controlling. I’ve literally gone no contact and here they are at my house for god knows why. My wife told them to leave us alone and it spirals into “we raised you” and “you’re doing this to us when we’re in poor health” blah blah blah

[petitedollbabee]

Yeah no there’s no excuse for their behaviour. Next time they do it, call the police and say that you’ve got trespassers on your property who won’t leave.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Nah, their accusations of being controlling? Yeah, the call’s coming from inside the house there.

[Agape93]

Nope. They don't know where I live, so them showing up unannounced will be treated as any other hostile trespasser.