How do you deal with resentment towards family members?

[Anonymous]

For starters, my dad molested me as a child and my mom brushed it off. I’ve been keeping my distance from them ever since I graduated college. I recently moved back to my hometown and got a place 10 mins away from my childhood home. My parents are acting normal as usual and my dad even said that what happened in the past was no big deal since it wasn’t rape, but I told them they’d have to come with me to therapy if they want me in their lives.

They went with me (once) and seems to understand that what happened back then traumatized me and is what’s causing me to distant myself from family. My dad still isn’t acknowledging what happened but he has since stopped with the forced hugs/physical touch. My mom has also stopped forcing me to be affectionate with my dad. They never apologized or even mentioned anything relating to the trauma but I can see they’re trying to amend things by taking me out more often and throwing more family events/bbqs and inviting me.

I’m getting sick of all the dinners, bbqs and outings though… I told them I can’t always come because I have work and a life of my own but they’re always guilt tripping me. I already told them I don’t want to spend so much time with them given what happened but they brushed it off and said they’re doing this to repair our relationship. As a result, I’m starting to resent them more and I just hate spending family time with them. I feel guilty for resenting them but I just can’t stand spending so much time with them. How do I go about this?

[Lynx122]

I know someone who is in a similar position she's actually in the middle of a court battle with her father to put him in prison and her mother is not mentally stable so she needs to get away from her as well. She's dealing with her own mental and physical issues but she's getting 0 support. That's why she's going to an assisted living place so she can recover a bit.

I don't know how I'd handle your situation I probably would never talk to my dad again and maybe my mother either.

My father was not abusive but he's extremely tone deaf or lacks emotional intelligence or I don't know he has aspergers and he put me in some bad situations as a child like one time for example my dad took me and the other kids who lived in our house biking and all the other dads could manage that fine but he had to prove how fast he was instead of waiting for us because we were small kids he just left us behind and waited only way further down the road and all the kids were like disconcerted and of course I felt shitty because he was my dad being a dick to everyone. Or he put me in a speed chess tournament against grown ups who were in a chess club when I was 6 years old. I knew the basic rules of chess but that was about it. I don't know if he felt threatened by me or something but sometimes I got the feeling he enjoyed it when I failed at something or something went wrong for me.

He never really tried to help me when I was struggling with something. Later he told me when I was 20, I don't know why you never did anything with your potential. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing when he said that it blew my mind.

I had to distance myself from him for years. It took me a while to do that because I felt like I was somehow obligated to have him in my life even though I felt like shit when I had to go see him. But at some point I overcame that and it was a lot more peaceful for me after I stopped talking to him. Now I tolerate him in my life again but only as long as he treats me well. As soon as I see any of his tendencies coming into play, I distance myself from him again. Recently he came to visit me (he went back to Canada after divorcing, I feel like he loves Canada more than he ever loved his family tbh) and it actually went pretty well :) But I'm not looking to rebuild anything I'm fine with him not in my life and if something positive happens I see it as a bonus but it doesn't mean I'll forget about how he behaves.

I have a good relationship with my mother and all her relatives and friends and I'm greatful for that, it makes the difficulties with my father easier to handle.

You have to get over the feeling that you're obligated to get along with them or spend time with them. You have to see the relationship in a more neutral way and then behave like you would in any other relationship. Way too often people get away with shitty behavior just because they rely on the idea that family has to stick together and they think what else are you gonna do? You should only give them what they want when they're respecting you and meeting your needs and you feel comfortable being around them. If any of those conditions are not met you should gtfo.

That's how I handle it. A lot of people think I'm too strict with my boundaries and the way I handle these things but it works for me. You can still be more open and lenient later on when you feel like you can handle it. But clearly right now you're not feeling good. You're stuck between what your own emotions are telling you and the pressure you feel to conform to what's expected of a regular child. But you're not in a regular parent child relationship. You have to look out for your needs because they sure don't seem to give a damn. So take your time and be good to yourself.

[Asker]

Thanks so much for sharing your personal journey! You’re right about family abusing “familial ties” and using it as an excuse to tolerate shitty behavior. I think I just feel like the odd one out because my siblings all get along really well with both my parents. I asked my sister it our dad has ever done anything weird to her and thankfully she said no, which explains why she’s still so close to him.

I’m proud that you were able to set such clear boundaries with your dad and leaving no room for bullshit. Also glad that you have your mom as a support system!

[Lynx122]

Oh yes that is difficult but just remember you have to be true to yourself and live your life. It doesn't matter if they were great parents to someone else it doesn't change your situation and how you feel :). I wish you good luck. Thanks for your kind words :)

[Asker]

Thank you for this, I needed to hear it. I hope you have an awesome new year!

[Lynx122]

You too :)

[David5668]

Dead easy: I just turned my back on a toxic alcoholic brother and even more toxic brother. Thankfully, neither of them are no longer in the planet.

[Asker]

For some reason in my case it’s easier said than done… I don’t want to cause family drama lol

Guess I’ll have to wait until my toxic family members also leave the planet…

Did you cut all ties with both brothers and went no contact with them back then?

[David5668]

Yeah; he was a complete pisshead

[MemeSupreme]

still figuring that one out lol

my dad is whatever and i let my mom back into my life bc she's actively getting treatment for NPD (which is rare) and i make sure she respects my boundaries. it's a process but she's putting in effort so i'm willing to

however like my step-dad did something similar to your dad and i will NOT let him back into my life. just seeing him a trigger lol i get why you probably want your dad in your life and that's okay. whatever you choose is fine. you don't gotta choose right away either and you can change your mind later if you want too

[Asker]

Oh no I’m so sorry that you had to deal not only with an NPD mom but also your step dad…

You’re right though, even the mere sight of them can be so triggering. I get so sense whenever I see my dad, can’t even look him in the eye. If I go no contact with him, my mom would flip out so I’m choosing to maintain my distance from now. Just gotta stop feeling guilty

[MemeSupreme]

it'll just take time

[ehatsham_hussain]

Nothing is best than sacrificing,
It is the best policy towards the family members.