Grief with relationship with grandma?

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I've posted here about this before but I guess I just need somewhere to vent again.

I'm 29, and I've always had a really rough relationship with my grandma. She's a bully to everyone. Very narcissistic, always the victim and will only do nice things for you when it can be held over your head later.

She primarily watched me and my sister growing up when my parents were working. And for that, i have very few memories other than extreme stress and fear.

On Christmas (which I spent with her alone) she spent the entire time very matter of fact telling me how she thinks I'm going to hell.

My dad lives next door and takes care of her, but has gotten so over it himself that he doesn't spend any more time than he has to around her. Which I don't blame him.

But my issue here is, I feel an INTENSE amount of grief over her. Because she's alone and developing dementia. Like, her basic needs are taken care of yes. But nobody, including her other son, siblings or grandkids want to be around her. And any friends she has had, she runs off because she's so MEAN. So literally she's alone. Almost all of the time. And getting more confused.

And the part that breaks my heart even more is now that the dementia is getting worse, she's having more moments of being almost nice.

But I've had such a history with her, and the behavior is still so unpredictable that I can't do it. Being around her or even on the phone makes me physically ill. And sometimes I don't feel emotionally regulated for a week or so after interacting with her. Like I legit get ulcers if I have to interact with her too much.

So I don't as much as I can. But then I feel this awful, deep grief that I'm struggling with heavily.

Any advice is welcome

[Oliverlogan263]

Hey girl, I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with such a heavy and complicated situation with your grandma. That's gotta be so emotionally draining, especially given your long history of trauma and abuse from her.

I can totally understand why you've had to distance yourself for the sake of your own mental and physical health. Her narcissistic and toxic behavior is just not something you should have to subject yourself to, even as she's getting older and dealing with dementia.

The grief and guilt you're feeling is so valid, though. She's still your grandma, and it must hurt to see her alone and confused, even after all she's put you through. Don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to be there more - you have to prioritize your own well-being first.

My advice would be to try to be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as possible during this time. Maybe consider writing her a letter to get those feelings out, or finding a therapist you can talk to about this complex situation. Reach out to any supportive friends or family members too, if you can.

Just remember, you're not alone in having to make these tough choices about toxic family members, especially as they get older. Focus on taking care of yourself first and foremost. Your mental health and well-being matter just as much as hers does.

I'm sending you so much strength, girl. Don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need more support or just someone to vent to. You've got this.

[DryGermanGuy]

From own similar experience (thankfully with a better personality), after a certain point you have to bring a nursing home and/or professional caretakers in. They are trained and they have no strong emotional connection. There is no point in ruining your sanity when you can't even help that much as they can.