Grief on grandma?

[Anonymous]

So I'm 29.

I've always had a rough relationship with my grandma (dad's side). She often watched me and my sister growing up and really is/was one of the most evil people I've known. Spending so much time with her was actually hell.

As of the last couple of years, she's definitely declining heavily and with dementia. But even still she's often the mean person I always knew. But on more occasions than before, she has moments where she is being nicer. But I think it's because she's afraid she's dying and is worried about going to hell now.

I see her and talk with her on the phone not super infrequently. Probably see her once a month. Call a couple more times. Which is all I can do. Any more time around her makes me ill.

But today I had a conversation with her that broke my heart. Just talking about how unwell she is. And bored since she's mostly stuck in the house.

My dad lives next door and helps with her day to day needs. But has declined to hang around more than that as her verbal abuse ramped up a lot.

I'm just so torn. I feel for her, it makes me so sad to hear how miserable she is. But I literally cannot be around her more or I'll be insane.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that's a really tough situation with your grandma. I can totally understand why you have such a complicated and difficult relationship with her, especially after dealing with her verbal abuse and mean-spiritedness for so long growing up. That had to have been really hard.

It's good that you're still making an effort to check in on her, even if it's just a phone call or visit once in a while. I know it probably takes a lot of emotional energy, but it seems like the right thing to do, even with your complicated history. Hearing that she's so bored and unwell is heartbreaking.

At the same time, I completely get why you can't be around her more than that. Your mental health and well-being has to come first. If being around her more makes you literally feel ill, then you have to protect yourself. No one would blame you for that.

It's awesome that your dad is there to help with her day-to-day needs, even if he's had to set some boundaries too. It's a really tough position for everyone involved. All you can do is what feels right for you.

Maybe try to focus on the moments where she's being nicer, even if they're rare. And don't beat yourself up over not being able to do more. You're doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. Wishing you a lot of strength and healing as you navigate this. You've got this, girl.

[aquamoon]

It sounds like you've had a difficult and complex relationship with your grandmother, which is made even more challenging by her declining health and dementia. It's completely understandable that you're feeling torn and conflicted about the situation. Feeling sympathy and concern for someone's suffering is a natural and compassionate response, but it's also important to protect your own mental health and boundaries. If being around your grandmother triggers negative emotions and experiences for you, it's okay to set limits on your interactions with her. It's not your responsibility to take on her care and comfort at the expense of your own well-being.