How would you react if your school bully (of the same gender) admitted they were gay/lesbian with a crush on you?

[Anonymous]

I actually have mixed emotions. I'm still upset about the ''bullying me for 3 years'' part but it's totally different than the typical ''I'm sorry, I was just a dumb kid'' excuse. I never expected that confession.

It was this past May in our Senior year (before our graduation) that she messaged me a long apologetic text, along with the reason and her secret. This is where she admitted to how she's always been a lesbian since early childhood and always had a deep crush on me since 8th grade. She went on explaining about living in secret and expressing how she never felt anything for the 3 bfs she dated during that time in HS, that she faked it with them.

Needless to say I was really caught off guard with that revelation. Honestly, how would you react if your bully of the same gender admitted that to always having a crush on you?

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa, that's a lot to take in! I can totally understand why you'd be feeling so mixed up about all of this. On one hand, the bullying you went through for 3 years is definitely not cool at all - that had to have been really tough to deal with. And the fact that she kept her sexuality a secret and dated guys just to try to hide it is really sad.

But the fact that she's finally being vulnerable and honest with you about having a crush on you since 8th grade is a pretty major admission. I can imagine that would be really surprising and confusing to hear, especially coming from someone who was so mean to you in the past.

If I was in your shoes, I think I'd be feeling a lot of different emotions - hurt, angry, flattered, curious, even a little sympathetic. On one hand, you have every right to still be upset about how she treated you. That kind of bullying doesn't just go away, even with an apology.

But on the other hand, the fact that she's opening up about her sexuality and her feelings for you shows that she's probably really struggling with a lot of internal stuff. It doesn't excuse the bullying, but it at least provides some context. And the fact that she's willing to be that vulnerable with you is kind of brave in a way.

I think the best thing would be to take some time to really process it all before deciding how to respond. You don't owe her anything, especially after what she put you through. But if you feel open to it, maybe try having an honest conversation with her about how you're feeling. Set boundaries if you need to, but try to understand where she's coming from too.

Ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you. Don't feel pressured to forgive or reciprocate anything you're not comfortable with. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to feel safe and respected. Just try to approach it with an open mind, if you can. Good luck, girl. I'm here if you need to talk more!

[Asker]

I was indeed overwhelmed by that confession. I'm not into women so I didn't know how to reply at that very moment. Apparently she's been having a very hard time dealing with her sexual orientation for years and only her parents know it, no one else. I'm still keeping my distance from her so she doesn't get the wrong idea that I'm reciprocating.

[Oliverlogan263]

I completely understand why you'd be so overwhelmed by that confession from your former bully. That's a lot to process, especially since you're not into women yourself. The fact that she's been struggling with her sexuality and keeping it a secret just adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

It's smart that you're keeping your distance for now, to make it clear that you're not interested in any kind of romantic relationship. Even though she may be going through a really tough time, that doesn't obligate you to reciprocate or engage with her on that level. Your wellbeing and comfort have to come first.

I think you're handling this situation really maturely. It's understandable to need some space and time to sort through your own feelings about it all. The bullying she put you through wasn't okay, even if there were deeper personal struggles behind it.

Just continue to be firm in setting those boundaries, while also trying to have a bit of empathy for what she must be going through. Encourage her to seek support from professional resources or LGBTQ+ community groups, but make it clear you can't be that support system for her, given the history.

This is a delicate and complicated situation, but you seem to be navigating it really well. Stay strong, trust your instincts, and don't be afraid to continue prioritizing your own healing and peace of mind. You got this!

[Shiprex]

As you get older you learn that folk when they're young aren't able to cope with their own self validation and identity well. This sounds like your "bully" didn't want to accept the societal stigma of her sexuality and as a "target" of her true sexual self she used her frustration as a tool against you. It sounds almost like the excuse used to chastise boys for being mean to girls is "because they like them".

I would feel flattered and honoured and that I understood them though make it clear that it's not something that I would act on but wish them the best.

My best friend from school was gay and he came out to me while I was deployed in 1998 (not that he had a crush on me though) even though we'd known each other since 1982 and were so close we were like family. That he had been through multiple hetero relationships even engaged at one point it was in that bluey (free mail letters sent to troops on deployment by relatives and friends) that made me realise how much I valued this guy as a friend and the love that I felt for him. Mentioning my girlfriends and family in that mail brought home the truth his mother had said from when he was a child. Going to his wedding and seeing him through his surrogate kids births and family growing up was one of the most fulfilling things to experience (I'd moved to another continent to be with my now wife by then) and we kept in touch with regular visits.

I miss the old fukr as do his kids and widower husband. Cancer is evil.

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear about your best friend. Cancer really sucks. May he RIP. It must've been very hard when your friend tried to act straight by being in relationships with women but feeling nothing; the same thing she explained. She felt nothing for those guys she was with no matter how much she tried.
Her reasoning for the bullying actually sounded more deeper and different than the typical ''I just a stupid kid, I was immature'' pathetic excuse. I actually hate those ones more.

[Shiprex]

Thank you he was a great father, partner, brother and friend. My whole extended family loved him to bits and he'd become almost an extended part of our one once his mother and sister passed away.
At least she reached out and I hope you can give her some compassion in that respect. It's never easy finding out the reality of your own sexuality. I am sure she would appreciate it. The superficial stupid kid thing might be what some would use but it sounds like she's come to terms with her reality and is content but maybe heart sore from it after realising how awful she'd been to you.

[Billlewis]

I’d probably do the same thing I’ve always done in the past — ask him where he wants to go to have me service him to completion.

[Insecure2]

Like many here, I would be a bit doubtful of her motives. Bullies like to pretend to be someone else just to make fun of you later on. However, if you feel she is honest, IT would be better to just tell her you are not into women and you cannot reciprocate her feelings. Just bear in mind that if she was honest her reaction might be violent, because she might be scared of you telling other people about her orientation. Whatever happens I just want you to know that even though we don't know each other I AM really in awe of your kindness. Not everyone would be able to actually think about the feelings of the person WHO bullied them and consider how to tactfully react to such revelations. IT just shows what a good person you are. No wonder you bully liked you😊

[Asker]

A prank would've come out within hours, days or maximum 2 weeks later but it's been now 9 months later. That's quite a lot of time for it to suddenly be considered a prank. Pranks won't last for nearly a year. After finishing progressing that confession, I was clear that I'm not into women so yeah her chances of a romantic relationship with me are 0%.
To be honest, the complicitiy of her stigma over the sexual orientation and her faking relationships with guys to hide it makes it a deeper case and one where someone can actually empathize somewhat. The bullies I hate the most are the ones that just bully for the sake of being immature and stupid, the ones that used the ''I was just a kid, teen'' excuse. Those are the ones I find even worse and harder to forgive because they did it for pure pleasure, unlike her. It seemed she was struggling all this time for years and still seems afraid of coming out to others; only her parents know about it.

[Insecure2]

That seems to be quite a deep problem. Still there are people WHO would never want to forgive or even understand their bullies even in such circumstances. I usually try to forgive others, but I'm not sure If I could find the notion in me to actually do IT for someone WHO bullied me.

[hahahmm]

What I recently told a 17 year-old on here... who asked if she should give someone a second chance who treated her badly was: at your age what you do is not simply about you. When you reject someone you are teaching them a life long lesson that may cause them to behave better in the future. Were you to be friends with this person it sends the message that it's okay to bully people... to harm (emotionally and/or physically) and that you (the bully) can still get that person to be nice to you or whatever. NAH. Don't go down that road. This person is dangerous too. People who lack self control tend to escalate and get worse. She treated you as badly as she did and you weren't even her friend. She's going to do worse to people closer to her. Run. Run fast. Run far.

[Asker]

I've been on very limited contact with her and mainly avoiding her. After processing that confession, I've made it clear to her that I'm not into women so her chances of a romantic relationship with me are 0%.

[hahahmm]

Just cut off all contact 100%. Doing that may teach her to treat others better but it also takes the problem off your hands. She has family and (presumably) other friends who can worry about her.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I would probably wonder if they weren't trying to set me up for another prank or more bullying.

If you feel like it's legit though, then I would talk to them in person and really have them get things off their chest and you should do the same. Even if you aren't into other women, it will be cathartic to vent your frustrations with her.

If you are into other women and are considering it, then just be careful. She obviously doesn't know how to deal with emotions and is a known bully so she is capable of doing it inside a relationship too.

[Asker]

It did sounded legitimate and nope I'm not into women. After that confession, she would greet me normally and acted nice. She asked me to keep this a secret until she's ready to open up about her sexual orientation with others. Only her parents know it but they're very discreet about it.

[Communicationisking]

This person you feel like they treated you like s**t for three years then comes out to you and said they have a crush on you pfft... I can't help but assume they still don't give a s**t about you sorry

[Asker]

This is what I've gotten from her, that she was upset about her sexual orientation and deep crush for me (some type of inner struggle), that she wanted to get rid of those emotions and not knowing how to process that and her orientation, out came the mean side in her and her frustration.

[Abbycado]

I'd wonder why they bullied me if they secretly wanted to be with me. I will tag an expert bully to see his thoughts.

@Circushowcowboy your take as a professional bully?

[Valdemort]

I'm kinda curious too.

I bet those are just excuses to be mean 🙄

[Asker]

@Valdemort
It sounded legitimate but yeah there was no need to bully someone you like. That's a very confusing way of showing someone you have a crush on them. If I were the one with the crush, I would be friendly to the person instead of this ''acting, pretending to be mean'' thing.

[Abbycado]

Maybe they were insecure and trying to hide their sexuality instead of the opposite which would be showing they liked the same sex. I dunno.

[Valdemort]

@asker I've said this before, but usually people who bully are either getting bullied themselves or dealing with a difficult situation at home. Maybe both and maybe for the reason mentioned above in your case. They might be dealing with something outside their own power and kinda to regain that- act hurtful towards others and hope it makes them feel better, even when I'm really they might not really feel as bad about you as they likely feel about themselves.
It's rarely something personal, but its something harmful nonetheless. It's not something you should be willing to tolerate, but you might be able to look at it from a different perspective which might help.
Just because someone has feelings for you or what not, is no reason to treat you poorly- simply because they don't know how to regular their systems differently. You're not a punching bag.

[Valdemort]

* even when they might not really feel as bad about you

[On_cloud_wine]

That would help me forgive them tremendously and if I had any trauma do to it, well.. faster healing too. As for responding back, I’d thank them for telling me but I’m not interested

[On_cloud_wine]

Due to it*

[Asker]

yeah that was my reply after processing all that sudden confession. I'm not into women but I find that reason more deeper than the typical bully that bullies for no reason other than just being immature and stupid. I find those ones worse and harder to forgive.

[MemeSupreme]

who cares

doesn't excuse the shit they did and they're genuinely terrible people, so idc the reasoning behind it

[Asker]

Everyone reacts differently. To me, the reasoning behind it did actually made a diffence in my reaction. I would've been more upset if it was the idiotic ''I was a stupid kid/teen, I was immature'' excuse used. Her case is deeper.

[MemeSupreme]

ik everyone does, and i get it's shocking, but it still doesn't matter in the end

they should JUST say it was shitty to do, and they're sorry, then leave it at that. the apology isn't about them, so they shouldn't give us the reason unless asked

[Asker]

If she would've left it at that, it would be the same ''I was stupid, I'm sorry'' phase. I actually hate that more because if it was a shitty thing to do and you have no actual reasons beyond an ''It was wrong'', it makes me think they would still bully someone out of pure pleasure, for nothing.

[Asker]

Perhaps I'm the type of person that actually appreciates a full explanation and then analyze it from there.

[MemeSupreme]

it's fine to wanna analyze, but i'm saying she made the apology about herself and that her reason doesn't matter in the end. she bullied for pleasure and bc of insecurity

for me, my bullies attacked and harassed me about personal shit, so idc if mine apologized. it just seems like BS to me. i guess we just look at it differently lol

[sawno]

Tough shit, its probably a prank and if not they ruined their chance since nobody loving would do such a thing.

[Asker]

yeah it's been 9 months since the confession. Too much time has passed by for it to be a prank. I'm not into women though so she has no chance of a relationship with me.

[OlderAndWiser]

"It's not gonna happen in a zillion years so forget it. If you ever make any advances on me, I'll make sure you regret it."

[Asker]

yeah I've told her I'm not into women. She has zero chances with me.

[chrissykerdock]

i had one lover like that and it was powerful

[Asker]

Though I'm not into women so she has 0% chance with me.

[chrissykerdock]

i wasn't either until it happened it all started with a kiss

[Nikki1989]

I would never waste my time on a bully.

[Asker]

I don't understand bullies that act mean to someone they claimed to have always had feelings for. Even some straight girls/guys do that with the opposite gender too; act mean to hide their feelings. Weird way of showing you care about someone.

[aquamarine321]

I never had a bully who liked me, especially gay or lesbians, but had unpleasant experiences with girls that liked me back in primary and high school, I didn’t like them

[Asker]

It sucks that she's the only person that had a crush on me and no guy was into me during my school years. Needless to say I was taken aback by that confession. I'm not into women.

[Crazzyyworld]

I heard of the same thing. There was a transgender kid who is in boy's school. And the bully confessed that he liked him (her). So they made out and had sex after graduated.

[Asker]

They sure have a weird way of expressing attraction, likes to someone. I'll never understand the point of acting mean to the person you like.

[byrdman89]

I had a secret crush on the boy who bullied me from 4th through 9th grade so I would probably be very excited

[Asker]

Did he ever find out?

[byrdman89]

sadly no not that I know of

[exitseven]

Absolutely kick the crap out of him

[Asker]

I was taken aback by her confession.

[Pterodon]

I’d say it’s lame excuse. You’re mean to someone and that’s how you express love or attraction? Really?

[Asker]

yeah I don't really understand the point of being mean to someone you claimed to have always had feelings for. That's a strange way of expressing love. Though she did told me she's still having a hard time with her orientation and it's been an issue for her all those years.

[Martha79]

Well, I am gay, though I didn't come out until 10 years after I graduated. My bullies have often been girls. I usually stood up for myself.

[ThebestIndian]

@Martha79 Good to see a woman standing up for herself.

[Asker]

You did a good thing standing up for yourself. Though at times doing that gets you in trouble. The school system is screwed.

[Pet68]

Gee, I don't know. Punch him in the face maybe.

[Iron_Man]

A lesbian you just made me laugh. I don’t think so at any age

[kaucky1]

Ewww no thank you but I 💕 vesties so I suck a girls dick🤤

[2_beHappy]

I would feel flattered 😅

[Asker]

I was shocked.

[RingOfFire]

I'd probably power puke. 🤮

[Asker]

yeah I felt knd of grossed out too. I was shocked by that confession since I'm not into women.

[AaaAviii123]

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. 😮 😂

[Asker]

I was surprised. I'm not into women and really didn't know what to reply at that very moment.