Is it inappropriate for a father to call his daughter “sexy” as a compliment?

[Anonymous]

Okay so my father and I are not the closest because he makes me very uncomfortable ever since I was young. Recently I moved back to my hometown and have been visiting my parents often, this brought up a lot of memories of instances where my father made me extremely uncomfortable.

Now I recently got a new haircut and came over to my parents’ for a visit. My dad pointed out my new hair and said “wow nice hair, that makes you look sexy”. His comment made my skin crawl… I know he meant it as a compliment but it didn’t sit right with me. I personally don’t think it was appropriate as he could’ve just said I look pretty/beautiful instead - am I just overreacting?

Yes

Grey area

No

[SteveSmith1985]

I agree with you. It's inappropriate for a father to use that word in giving his daughter a compliment.

Reading what you wrote here made my own skin crawl

"Okay so my father and I are not the closest because he makes me very uncomfortable ever since I was young."

That's not normal, or usual/common. That context, as well as your reaction to him saying this; means it was as creepy as you think. (worse than any 'regular' father saying this. Your lifelong discomfort isn't for no reason).

I do not think you are overreacting at all.

[Asker]

Thank you! At first I felt bad for being creeped out but then again my father has a history of being inappropriate with me back when I was a kid… I guess my mind/body just automatically reacted to his weird comment

[SteveSmith1985]

I didn't understand that there was an actual history of him being inappropriate when you were a kid. I mistakenly thought it was just a feeling he gave you, even when you were young.

It's surprising that you felt bad about this. I feel like that this shows you've got an especially kind heart. I hope no part of you still feels the least bit bad for reacting as you did. You should be guilt-free in feeling creeped out.

That comment, given the circumstances is absolutely wrong. You have every reason to feel creeped out.

I'm really sorry you went through everything you did.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

• "a lot of memories of instances where my father made me extremely uncomfortable"
• "he makes me very uncomfortable ever since I was young"
• "His comment made my skin crawl"

Considering the level of discomfort you express, considering that it's a word I would definitely not use for my daughter, then "inappropriate" isn't the right adjective to me.

The right one is incestuous.

[alice55]

I think incestuous might be too strong like words, I also have family member making weird comment and feeling uncomfortable around them but that was because my mother and grandmother always treated all men as being incapable of holding back so by extension it made me uncomfortable around even male family member.

I don't think just one or two "weird" comment is enough to be considered incestuous.
Now I'm wondering how you would consider my grandfather making comment about how he would have married me if I was older and him younger. It made me uncomfortable and I didn't know how to respond but I do not think he meant it in a bad ways.
In my experience it's not uncommon for old people to make these kind of comment.

[Asker]

@maybe_maybe_not @alice55 I do think he might have some incestuous thoughts about me because he has a history of inappropriately touching me back when I was young, even now he still likes to force me to hug him or point out my nice body. He might meant it as a compliment but I think he was crossing the boundaries given his past history. If he’s never done anything inappropriate with me then I will most likely just brush off his “sexy” comment tbh.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

@alice55
Incestuous is a strong word but taking into account feelings and repetition/history described by Asker, it seems, sadly, on point

[alice55]

Possible, we need to know the whole story, it does sound rather creepy

[alice55]

'm gonna go with gray area cause it's not very comfortable like stuff but not necessarily inappropriate either. My grandfather have made plenty of same compliment to me even saying "oh I would have married you if you were older" or saying he wouldn't have married me because I'm a messy person XD

It's not cool stuff to say but I guess it's an old people stuff, maybe it was common and ok during their time so I say I'd gray area.

[Asker]

Yes I can see your point! The comment was very uncomfortable but I was going to just brush it off as him being “old” - still weird though. The comment that your grandpa made was definitely inappropriate in my opinion, why would he even consider marrying his grandchild 😅 even if he meant it as a joke I still think it gives off incest vibes

[alice55]

Well it’s weird but it was just a joke and yes i reallly think its an old people things to comment about a lot more stuff were ok back then. He also did sexual comment about my hair 🥲
I really think it’s an old people things as he never touched me or anything
Je does tell me to change when he think i m dressed inapropriatly but never acted creepy if not just words.
It was not really a joke just like a passing comment like when he think i m well dressed, like when he think I dress good he make the comment of marrying me and when I act in ways he consider bad he make the commment of not wanting to marry me, it’s weird but I think it may have been a popular saying before

Personally I put it more about age things as a lot Moore stuff were ok to say before

[Asker]

Honestly I do see a lot of older people making off colored comments towards younger people. It’s weird and uncomfortable but I think it’s also been pretty much normalized by their generation, it’s how they grew up

[alice55]

yes I think that's how they grew up too and kind of their default setting, it's normal for them. I also find it uncomfortable and never really know how to respond to such comment but I don't really want to make them feel bad as anyway they would surely just comment about how it's nothing and I'm being dramatic so I don't even bother.
I can't imagine saying such stuff myself but well as long as they don't do any inappropriate act I guess it's ok, I tolerate it

[alice55]

My grandmother have also made those kind of comment about me now that I remember so I deinfitley think it's an old people things and they just don't mean anything special by it

[Asker]

Yeah old people can be odd sometimes 😅

[alice55]

Yes they're often odd for us XD

[EmmaMary]

Personally I consider that extremely inappropriate, and it would definitely make me feel very uncomfortable indeed.

[Asker]

I felt guilty for feeling creeped out by his compliment but I’m glad a lot of people are on the same boat

[EmmaMary]

Thank you so much for the MHO.

[ProbablyClueless]

That's pretty inappropriate, yeah. There are enough other ways to compliment your daughter's hair that it wouldn't take much imagination to come up with something more palatable.

Even if the hairstyle is sexy, there are better ways to say it

[Asker]

You’re absolutely right! At first I wanted to brush it off but his comment just felt so off and creeped me out so thank you for validating my feelings. Great to know that I’m not the only one seeing his comment as inappropriate

[ProbablyClueless]

Yeah I feel yah... My dad has (and my uncle, actually) made a number of off color comments over the years too. With my sister it's about her physical appearance. With me it's been about wildly overstating our closeness and his role in our relationship.

He tries to play the comments off as jokes that apparently "no one takes seriously accept for [me]," but similar kinds of things just happen a little too often for me to believe that.

[Asker]

I guess they’re just testing the boundaries and seeing how far they can go before facing backlash. There’s usually always some truth in jokes as well, people like that are just passive aggressive and thrive on subtly belittling you…

[ProbablyClueless]

That's my take as well; I think they're just testing the water. It feels like an attempt to use language to introduce and eventually normalize a certain relationship dynamic or idea. At a certain point, I don't know what else we're supposed to make of the situation because the comments aren't being solicited. It's not like this humor is going both ways.

Genuine jokes are funny because they're attempting to humorously point out some observation about a situation. Even when the humor is abstract and absurdist, it's funny because they're making a general observation about a set of situations and then turning that on it's head.

When my dad says something along the lines that he's going to "be my protective daddy," or he "jokes" above having my sister sit on his friends' laps; what is the source of the humor in those contexts? Is it that his friends want to bang my sister? Because she sure as hell doesn't joke about wanting to bang them. As a 32 year old man, am I some rambunctious little boy that needs his "daddy" to protect him from the world? Because I sure as hell haven't gotten this far in life by coming to him for guidance. It's not like there is some long history in these relationships of those dynamics where someone could make fun of the seemingly absurd level of closeness.

When comments like that keep happening... I guess I'm just not sure what else I'm supposed to make of it.

[Asker]

That’s really odd and off putting. It’s as if your father wants to keep infantilizing you and sexualizing your sister. I don’t understand how some parents can act that way towards their own flesh and blood tbh

[strateguy632]

If you are over 20, take the compliment.

I was asked by a six year old "am i sexy" i stifled my "yuck eewwoo" to say, "not exactly but you are a pretty flower." Her dad was mad at me! Oops.

[Asker]

It’s just a weird compliment coming from your own father though lol

[Flower7]

You are correct, it was wrong for him to use that word.

[Asker]

Thank you, I feel validated for feeling creeped out. He’s called me sexy multiple times even back when I was a teen, it just felt predatory

[elizamichale1]

No its not inappropriate at all n I think u r just overreacting honey

[Asker]

Yeah I’m a bit 50/50 honestly, I can kinda see where he’s coming from as in him just purely saying it as a compliment but then again given his history of inappropriately touching me back when I was little just triggered me I guess…

[elizamichale1]

Oh i see... well that changes everything entirely n in that case u were right to be furious

[Asker]

At first I thought I was just overreacting but then I remembered how he used to act back when I was young, I guess if he doesn’t have a history of being inappropriate I would simply just brush his comment off

[elizamichale1]

I totally understand that honey n i dont think anymore that u overreacted

[Nikki1989]

Yes, but thankfully, the world isn't full of Donald Trumps that think it is acceptable to sexualized your daughter or children in general.

[Twalli]

You should never call your child (of any age) sexy, hot, or anything like that. You can say cute, pretty, beautiful, but that's about it.

[Asker]

Thank you for saying this, I fully agree! He’s called me sexy multiple times before even from when I was a teen so it just felt so off

[Sono83]

That is weird. I could see him saying it looked nice, or even it was pretty, but sexy? Nah.

[Asker]

Yeah it is weird right? Not sure why he chose the word sexy to describe his own daughter…

[Valdemort]

Odd, to say the least...

[Asker]

Right? He could’ve just said “pretty” or even “cute” to compliment me so why resort to saying I look sexy 😅

[Abbycado]

Yeah, that's gross.

[Little_Bumblebee]

Yes, that's extremely inapporpriate.

[Anonymous]

That’s weird

[Asker]

Glad I’m not the only one that feels that way

[sirderpsalot123]

Yes.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

No..

[In_Trance]

Fkn disgusting