What do you do with an overly-abrasive friend?

[DishLady]

So I have a few friends who are very "my way or the highway" personalities. They show up at parties and convos and kill everyone else's enthusiasm. It is very draining on other people's energy, esp. in the summertime when we're all just trying to hang out and have fun.

They're not bad people... one-on-one they can be very sweet, actually. But they're very abrasive, so now when I know we're going out as a group if I sometimes make sure I have an excuse to leave early or something.

What do y'all do when you see there's someone like this in your friends group?

[Lynx122]

I just had a incident like this today. I was at the art Atelier that I go to and the woman on the other side of the table had her headphones on and she had a sign to say she doesn't want to be bothered today. The class specifically made little wooden things you could put on your desk when you want to just work quietly and this other lady came up and started talking to her anyway. The botheror even asked do you not want to be bothered and and the lady sitting across from me said yes but she still didn't leave her alone after that kept talking to her.

So I just got up and pretended to arrest her like ok that's enough you need to leave, like I was security or something. She got mad at me, she said who do you think you are? Most of the time the botheror is kinda nice but she's very outspoken so when she's in a weird mood it can get difficult. But I didn't care she blatantly ignored someones boundaries even if it wasn't the most serious situation. I just don't like to see that, no matter who's doing it or who it's being done to. And the lady sitting down doing work is also autistic so I know it can be a pain in the ass to deal with situations like that.

I don't mind being the bad guy in someones eyes. In the past it would have bothered me, but now I'm growing and I feel comfortable. I think you can only deal with situations like this well if you've grown beforehand. You have to have internal stability and calmness and confidence that you can handle this.

[OlderAndWiser]

You can expect that people like that are going to change if you confront them about their offensive ways, so my strategy is simply to try to avoid them. . . with one exception. I work with another attorney who is like that and it's as if his personality got frozen around age 10 or 11 and he has never matured beyond that. I know he has a good heart but, sometimes, I just want to take out a gun and shoot him. When he gets out of control, I confront him and ask why he is being so rude. He responds that 'it was just a joke,' so then I ask him to explain why no one else is laughing. That usually makes him hush up for a while.

[DishLady]

OW i don't picture you shooting a horsefly let alone this guy... but I get it. I'm at that point with this friend of mine also.

The shame of it is HE IS A GREAT GUY WITH A HEART OF GOLD but he literally doesn't know how to treat ANYONE properly anymore. He's a shell of the gentleman he used to be and throws money at people thinking that will make up for the way he treats them... but it doesn't.

[OlderAndWiser]

The guy I work with has a net worth of about 5 million, but I may be his only friend.

[DishLady]

See that’s a shame. (Lucky him you’re such a mench!)

[silvermoon84]

If by abrasive you mean brutally honest, be abrasive with them. That will do it. Talking about it doesn’t always work because these people think being abrasive is a good thing. My most recent ex was like this. Very blunt and abrasive and prided herself on his “brutal honesty”. The last guy I dated was like this too and spent an entire day putting me down and telling me everything that was wrong with me. Because I was feeling sad and didn’t want the relationship to end, I asked if we could just be friends and he agreed. Then two weeks later, the hurt simmered into anger and I sent him a message giving him the same brutal honesty and told him everything that was wrong with him and I got blocked. Two months later, we’re still not talking. I’m sure he still has me blocked.

People like this usually don’t like getting a taste of their own medicine.

[DishLady]

I am, but it's past just honesty... It's intolerable rudeness.

[ArrowheadSW]

@silvermoon84 People like that think that if it true, then they can blurt it out and shame the person and talk down to them, etc. However, that is not the way to treat people who have a perceived fault. If they really think that a person has something that needs to be addressed, they need to do it in a nice way. And a lot of the time, whatever they think is a person's shortcoming, is no big deal anyway. Over the years I've worked with a couple of people like that and it is a toxic way to be.

[DishLady]

Yes exactly @ArrowheadSW 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[RageBabe]

Have a candid, private discussion about how their abrasiveness affects you.

[RageBabe]

@DishLady Thank you for the MHO!

[slatyb]

Have you tried talking to them? If you do, and they refuse to change, stop inviting them.

[DishLady]

I have. They won’t change. If I don’t like it, too bad. Everything always has to be THEIR way. So I don’t really hang with them much. But sometimes it’s not up to me to coordinate an activity.

[californiareaper]

I tell them to shut up and stop making an ass of themselves

[DishLady]

I did that one weekend, actually. Didn't work.

[exitseven]

I really do not have tht problem. all my friends are dead or moved away. I do not know how this all happened.

[DishLady]

Aww! :(

You're young for that to happen...

[exitseven]

I did not have many friends to begin with. Statistics show that a majority of men over 50 do not have a single close friend. We do not have a society that is conducive to social gatherings anymore.

[DishLady]

I lost my closest friend four years ago so I get it. But I still go out and connect with folks my age (and a few younger if it's a networking/mentoring thing).

[AngryCarl2]

As long as they don't get violent I just let them rant.

[WhitneySnow]

Leave early

[CubaPirate]

Unfriend

[DishLady]

It's not that easy. We're in the same social circles. I see him perhaps once a month.

[CubaPirate]

OK I understand but stay strong and stick to your principles

[Anonymous]

Talk to him, explain him the problem.