I need some outside perspective. What would you guys do in this situation?

[Danny_dan92]

I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.


When I was a kid I was physically abused by my father, in the 6th grade I told my teacher my dad would beat me and then he called CPS on my parents. My dad convinced my mom to tell me to lie to the CPS agent that it was all a joke.

So I did.

After that case was settled he stopped physically abusing me but was still extremely disrespectful.


Fast forward to now I’m in my 30’s and no longer live with my parents, my dad treats my mom like absolute shit. He even ignored her on her birthday 4 days ago and fought with her.

My parents are now retirement age. My dad also is the type of person that never likes to admit when he is wrong.

Recently my mom and sister found that he hung up the determination letter from CPS that there was nothing wrong in the household (as if he was proud of it) my mom took it down and ripped it to pieces.



What would you do in this situation?

[aaron13547]

I took all my pain and used it to out do my parents times 10. I have the money to pay there bills everytime they can't and I tell them thank you for all the bullshit they let me go through. my hate for them was my fuel to be great. They taught me what not to do and that all I'd ever have in this would is myself. Then I give them the money they need to survive and remind them I help them so much because I remember what it was like not to have any help. I have a lot to hate my parents for but all those things I hate them for made me strong and proud of who I am... Don't hold onto your pain like I have don't give them your energy like have. That's been my mistake learn to let it go and just be grateful for all you are good and bad.

[Danny_dan92]

It isn’t my mom that is the problem. It’s my dad.

[aaron13547]

That's why I say let it go. you hating your dad is making you love your mom more. Be aware you feel all the things you do. think about all the ways the emotions effect you and your mom and your dad. If it is all to much to think about at once, let go of the parts that matter least until you're able to make better sense of what you want to get out of the piece you have. Life is what we make it. just because we make a good life doesn't mean the past can't still remind us it was there. Mine does all the time and I still can't stop giving the negative stuff my positive energy. I hope you manage to find a way!

[Sal_Monella]

Plan out rescuing your mother. Take care of money and logistics. She must consent. Old woman become codependent to abusive men. Move far enough away to preclude a one hour drive. See to it that her allotment of Social Security is direct to a new bank account. If you have siblings, don't tell them until the job is done. You owe this to her. You will have to sacrifice.

[Beckybooboo]

A lot of questions. You said that your mom and sister, "recently found out" that he hung the letter up? Do you mean they physically saw it recently hanging up (after like 19 years) or he told them he hung it up back then? Anyway, if you're afraid for her safety, take her to her next doctor's appointment or immediately to an emergency department and have her tell them she's abused at home and fears for her safety. They'll steer you in the right direction.

[Danny_dan92]

So my parents were going through their file cabinets and where shredding old documents that aren’t needed anymore.

And my dad put it up on display in his garage in the same fashion people hang up accomplishments like degrees and certificates

[Beckybooboo]

Yeah, that's weird and a little psychotic. If she's considered her "own person" and he has no justification over her, she can find safety in a home without his presence. If that's the route you wanna go.

[Danny_dan92]

My brother and I both moved out because of him.

And we live together, but my mom and sister live with him. My dad is retired and is now dipping into his 401k.

But my mom isn’t fully retired and works seasonally as a tax preparer. She on the other hand doesn’t have any assets… lately my mom has increasingly considered divorcing him. But unlike most other divorces, she’s doing it VERY late. Like both of my parents are now senior citizens.

So the whole thing is shitty

[Beckybooboo]

I meant "jurisdiction"

[Beckybooboo]

If she's a senior citizen, she can leave the situation and opt for assisted living. Does your sister feel safe with your dad?

[Beckybooboo]

Is it an economical situation that's keeping them together?

[Danny_dan92]

No my sister to wants to leave. She’s currently pursuing her doctorate in psychology. And she finally gave into my advice to try and get on campus housing to free herself from the stress living in that house

[Danny_dan92]

Technically yeah, my dad was always a provider. So he not only owns the house but also has an actual 401k

[Beckybooboo]

Yes, but if your mom gets assisted living housing, they take from her Social security to offset the cost. Your dad is no longer entitled to it. He's on his own.

[Beckybooboo]

I'm just saying, it becomes an issue with you, your siblings and your dad, as far as his assets. If it means your mom is safe, that should be all that matters.

[Danny_dan92]

I see, thank you for sharing insight on this

[Beckybooboo]

You are very welcome. I have been a part of the process but haven't entirely seen how it ended. I just hope the best for you!

[Danny_dan92]

Thank you very much, I appreciate it

[Agape93]

I'd kill him. All jokes aside, this is the kind of shit my family did with me. Sorry you went through it, you're a good dude, you didn't deserve it.

[seeyounexttuesday]

I'd wonder what kind of man allows his own mother to remain in that situation

[Hellraiser1984]

I would have turned him in. screw it let him rot.