How to cope with mentally draining and manipulative parents?

[Anonymous]

I have a mother who is often negative and miserable. She frequently feels sorry for herself, has never been very independent, and struggles with both mental and physical health. She believes people are out to get her due to something that happened to her many years ago, but she refuses to discuss the incident on the phone. She sees herself as a persecuted person and often compares her life to others’. She doesn’t seem willing to move forward or adopt a more positive mindset, and as a result, interacting with her can be mentally and emotionally draining.

She appears surprised when people, including myself and my siblings, avoid prolonged contact. I have been the only one willing to speak with her regularly, and while she expresses gratitude, she doesn’t seem to understand boundaries. For example, she can become confused or anxious if I don’t message her every day or every few days, often asking, “Are you okay? You’ve been quiet.” She doesn’t seem to realize that constant communication isn’t necessary and that her persistent negativity likely pushes people away. Positivity and healthy boundaries are crucial for maintaining relationships, but she struggles with both.

I, myself, have endured significant trauma—leaving a controlling group, experiencing homelessness, struggling with employment, obtaining my license, and growing up without a father. I have faced judgment and ignorance from people who don’t understand my circumstances, for instance being criticized for not having a passport or driver’s license despite the challenges I’ve faced. My life has often felt like being thrown in the deep end, and it’s been a constant struggle.

My mother’s cries for help are often subtle and repeated, and even when she vents, she resists taking action or accepting support. She remains unemployed, has limited activities, and repeatedly brings up the same problems without resolution. Iwant to understand: what is the best way to cope with mentally draining and negative parents?

[aaron13547]

I've dealt with a lot of the same problems I don't really have a solution. However you just don't give up on them. I am a firm believer love is the emotion that created all life. It can fix anything and heal all. Your mother and my mother both feed off other people energy. We just have to accept this. To be a problem in your life makes her feel like she means something to you... re-establish this idea. When she is a problem in your life show her you don't want to be around her. Don't fuss or fight with her just leave, don't give her your energy. When she is a positive influence to make your life more enjoyable make sure she knows it. She will realize to have your energy she has to do good things to get it not bad things. People like our mothers did the best they could with what they knew. They got lost raising us. I believe it's our job to help them find there purpose again. They put so much energy into us they forgot how to love themselves the correct way. It doesn't mean she don't love you. It's just more like she doesn't know how to do it right anymore... therapy can help you understand how to help yourself and her. there is no one way, and love is the key.

[itsannalee]

Move out and keep distance

[Mariogirl09]

Therapy