How to heal from mistreatment of “family “ who won’t take accountability?

[Anonymous]

A few years ago, things exploded between me, my stepmom, and my stepsister. I was actually treated as the “golden child” in some ways — mainly because I stayed out of trouble and didn’t do the things she did. But underneath that, my stepmom had negative feelings toward me and made passive-aggressive comments about me being in college at 25, not driving yet, and needing help during the pandemic. It felt like she wanted her daughter to “beat me” at life even though I wasn’t competing.

When my stepsister and I got into an argument, we were both wrong — she was disrespectful, and I reacted out of hurt. After that, they isolated me. My stepmom sided with her daughter 100% and didn’t hold her accountable.

Later, I reached out twice to apologize and take responsibility for my part. My stepsister told me, “I don’t fuck with you.” When I stayed calm, she lied and claimed I said something I didn’t say, which caused tension between my dad and stepmom.

The part that still hurts is my dad never defended me or stepped in. He avoided conflict and let the situation stand. Now, years later, he suddenly wants a close relationship but still won’t address what happened. He even admitted that the only way things would get resolved is “if he got divorced,” because they won’t try to fix anything.

I’m left with all this hurt that was never acknowledged.

My questions: – How do I heal when the people involved refuse to take accountability? – How do I move forward with my dad after he didn’t protect me? – Is it normal to still feel upset years later?

[HollyK21]

Saying you reacted out of hurt is putting it lightly, you explode on people Chels. I don't know if times gonna fix the things you’ve said to her or your cousin.

[Asker]

Yes I exploded because who wants to be disrespected undeserving

[HollyK21]

Okay but the way you explode is over the top, it’s not just a simple argument or disagreement you go tf off to where it can seem dangerous and they don’t want to be around you. Not everyone is equipped to deal with that, or wants to deal with it. Yeah it sucks but it’s the repercussions of your behavior. Maybe as time goes on and they see you’re doing the work to cope with your emotions better but right now it’s still too soon. Even in a year it might be too soon.

[HollyK21]

Nobody wants to be disrespected of course but there were other ways to go about that whole situation.

[Asker]

Same for them ✌️

[HollyK21]

You’ll never grow as a woman or a person if you don’t stop victimizing yourself and take accountability sometimes. You’re almost 30 Chels, time to grow on up.

[Asker]

I definitely took accountability and reached out first to make it right so what are you talking about? Accountability on my end is never an issue

[HollyK21]

Accountability is never an issue? Are you kidding? You’re lack thereof is why you’ve purged yourself of fault when it came to dealing with those men. In my opinion being accountable should come with sincerity, with how you lashed out it just comes off as disingenuous. You don’t have to agree, but that is what it looks like.

[Asker]

I apologized to them how is that disingenuous? How is an apology disingenuous? I even said that I understand if she’s not ready to accept it. It was all good

[HollyK21]

Would you feel like it was a genuine apology after how you went off on her? You let a lot of negative feelings build up over the years so when you exploded you really went off, I’d have a hard time believing that you went from one extreme to the other. To me it’s like the equivalent of a kid being forced by their parent to say sorry and they do it but really don’t want to. Like I don’t think you exactly feel “wrong” for how you went off because you really do feel like they’ve been unaccepting to you you ever since your dad married your stepmom. There’s been issues, I’m pretty sure you’ve mentioned how your stepbrother begged you not to pack up and dip out. It’s been a lot of shit and that explosion was just the cherry on top of a lot of issues.

[Asker]

I mean coming from the fact that her mother made her apologize for saying something rude to me in front of everyone and I had to just take it. I’m not kissing her ass. I was wrong for my part that’s what I’m apologizing for. But being the bigger person means taking disrespect with no accountability from the other party and I lashed out because it’s been repeated and I expressed that.

It could have been handled better on both sides.

[HollyK21]

I agree 100%, and I think her apology was disingenuous to an extent as well. Maybe neither of you are in a space to really accept the other person’s apology. It’s gonna take some time and space and honestly if I were you I wouldn’t concern myself with that too much. Life’s too short to be worried about being accepted even when it’s family. Some connections are just toxic and when you need to step back to protect your own peace it shouldn’t matter who the person or people are, you just do it. You’ve got a lot of things to work on and get right with yourself, focus on that. I told you the same thing end of last year. This year was supposed to be way different. It is to an extent but not by much.

[Asker]

I wasn’t apologizing to make amends right then and there but to maybe just start the conversation of boundaries. I think during that time my bipolar was really starting to peep through and I told her that I felt like I was going through something and I didn’t mean to take it far

But I think she’s upset the most because I told them that her boyfriend was in a gang

[HollyK21]

That could be the case but if I were you I would let it go. They aren’t worried about fixing things with you, so why burden yourself with it? That’s your stepfamily, you don’t have to mesh with them and I don't know if your dad’s really concerned with that either. You already got a mom and don’t need your stepsister, you two have never been close like that.

[Asker]

We were close and I’ve known her since she was 5…. This is hurtful. Why wouldn’t my dad try to fix it

[Asker]

Or why would he be okay with them not talking to me and he’s actively being a parent to her. A full parent

[HollyK21]

Didn’t seem like you guys were very close when we first talked about you going to live with your dad. In any case, there’s only so much your dad can do. She’s grown, she’s her own person, he can’t make her feel any other way than what she does. Same for your stepmom. It’s a hurtful situation but it only has the power that you give it. I wouldn’t give this much energy and pain to someone who doesn’t feel that way about me. I’m not gonna fight for someone who’s not fighting for me. Your presence in people’s life has value too.

[Asker]

Then you wonder why I feel suicidal but okay. That’s why I went into sex work

[HollyK21]

I already know why you feel that way, which is why I’m always telling you to go back and find a therapist you feel comfortable with. I don't know why you decided to do sex work Chels that’s very disappointing to hear.

[Asker]

So you think it’s okay for a father to let that happen or?

[HollyK21]

Well, what can the father do when it comes to two adults?

[Asker]

Imagine if that were your “child”

[HollyK21]

Think about that question and be honest. What are you thinking that your dad should be doing or saying? Especially since she’s an adult?

[Asker]

I think as a family he could have gotten us together and tried to get to the bottom of it… and let us talk it out and say how we felt.

[HollyK21]

So he should force her when she’s not interested? How comfortable would that even be for you? Knowing that she’s not sitting down as a family because it’s her choice but because her dad kept pressing her about it until she had no choice? If I were you I’d want her to come around on her own.

[Asker]

Okay ig you’re right

[HollyK21]

You should really try to move on from this for now. I think you fixate more on areas of hurt in your life rather than planning for the future.

[Asker]

That’s true. I’m going to work on something for my future

[HollyK21]

Didn’t you say you wanted to take a class or something? If you haven’t already done it then something like that’s a good investment.

[Asker]

Yeah I’m starting to struggle with my job tho because I feel rejected by my coworker

[slatyb]

Have you considered professional counseling? I did some years older than you are now, and wish I had done it sooner.

[Staximus]

Your dad should have grown some balls and squashed the feud between you and them right away. Your stepsister sounds like a lowlife.

[Asker]

!!! Thank you! He said he wanted us to work it out but when you have a blended family it’s difficult