Is your dream to be an Insta Baddie? Don't know how? Here is your helpful guide to navigating the waters of this social media boom. Some sarcasm ahead. Proceed.
BODY
You'll need a reasonably sized pair of boobs plus an 18th century waist formed from cracked ribs and corsets, and a thic bottom molded by as many weighted squats as you can do before you dislocate a knee. You may also be skinny. I don't makes the rules.
HAIR
You may choose from the large catalog of exactly 4 hair types 1) Naomi Campbell long and straight/slightly wavy 2) thick ringlet curls 3) any style that's slicked back and chock full of baby hairs in front 4)some version of a bob
OUTFIT
One peek in your closet should lead people to believe you're 1 part hooker, 1 part thrifter, and 1 part ex-gym employee. It must consist of the following items: a matching body hugging Nike/Adidas/and/or brand Yoga bra top and leggings, skyscraper heels, many baseball caps, both oversized and stupid tiny sunglasses, body con dresses, tiny purses, bodysuits, many many many crop tops, mom jeans, skinny jeans, hoop earrings, chokers, modern and vintage throwback pieces, sheer everything, crisp white tennis shoes, stupid oversized jackets and tees, fanny packs, super distressed jeans that can barely be classified as jeans anymore, a teeny weeny bikini, graphic hoodies, and one statement piece that can only be described as-----looks like a trash bag----or was that once an actual bear.
MAKE-UP
If you have no intention of spending at least 1-3 hours minimum in the morning doing straight fire wizardry on your make-up that will require half a pack of make-up wipes to remove at night or your brows are 100% your own, don't even bother. No one on the planet including face recognition software should be able to clock you once you've transformed. If you aren't on a first name basis with the employees at Mac, Sephora, and/or Ulta, this is not for you. If anyone other than your boyfriend, immediate family, cosmetic surgeon, or your dog has seen your completely natural face in the last 3 years, this (clap) is (clap) not (clap) for (clap) you.
LIFE
Everything you do with your life will be super important now to the world....stuff like getting in the the car to go to the coffee shop, walking up to the coffee shop, buying the coffee from the coffee shop, touching coffee cups, walking with coffee, running with coffee, sitting with coffee, having coffee brought to you, looking down at coffee while you check your gram, smelling coffee, making coffee, and drinking coffee. Also super important, sitting on a park bench, poop squat posing on a street corner in broad daylight, looking sexy against a fence, looking sexy at the dentists office, seeing out of a window, standing outside and seeing into a window, looking down at your feet, pouting, blinking, smiling, looking thoughtful, looking confused and thoughtful, looking like you're trying to not look confused while being thoughtful, and finally...breathing.
FRIENDS
Your actual human mouth breather friends are a no-no. If they look normal or are overtly intelligent in anyway, they can only exist in the Upside Down. All your friends for Instagram purposes must look as pretty close to wax sculpture carbon copies of your new baddie self. If they don't believe in the gram, or posing for the gram, or doing their make-up to be allowed the mere opportunity to appear in your gram, they are taking away from the precious time you need to spend walking with and looking cute with coffee. Every opportunity with your friends has to look like they are flirting with the camera and encouraging Mean Girl Regina George level bitchery and jealousy about the fabulousness of your squad. If you don't hashtag squadgoals, I mean, what are you doing, really?
RELATIONSHIPS
Don't have one? Get one. Everything you do with your real (or fake, no judgment) Insta boyfriend must be relationship goals. If he thinks he can show up on your birthday with one rose, he's mistaken. THIS IS THE GRAM we're talking about. Your room must be filled from top to bottom with roses and candles and a 4 tier cake we're sure "he" designed himself even if you have to spend 5 hours setting it all up yourself and then blotting the sweat away from your brow before posing him there with you looking surprised at the last second before the candles melt into oblivion. You must always been seen happy, doing impossible or nonsensical physical feats together, tastefully making out, or if nothing else, drinking coffee together.
MAINTENANCE AND MUTUAL DESTRUCTION
Being an Insta Baddie is not about "real life" silly. It's about creating the disturbing fantasy to all your subsequent viewers that life is about absolutely unattainable perfection, wealth, and beauty that is impossible to sustain or acquire for mere mortals. It's about convincing people that their lives should be just as perfect as yours pretends to be. It's having to constantly live for likes and praise for the most superficial things and falling into a depression when you aren't getting the traffic you used to or worse in your mind, just not getting any at all. The sad thing is while you're trying to convince people you've never met to love you, after a while, you'll find it hard to love yourself as you "create" and "spin" webs of lies about your reality and try to convince yourself that you are this person you've created through filters, fillers, and falsehoods.
Good luck girl!
XOXO, coffee
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