How To Be an Instagram Baddie

Is your dream to be an Insta Baddie? Don't know how? Here is your helpful guide to navigating the waters of this social media boom. Some sarcasm ahead. Proceed.

BODY

You'll need a reasonably sized pair of boobs plus an 18th century waist formed from cracked ribs and corsets, and a thic bottom molded by as many weighted squats as you can do before you dislocate a knee. You may also be skinny. I don't makes the rules.

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie

HAIR

You may choose from the large catalog of exactly 4 hair types 1) Naomi Campbell long and straight/slightly wavy 2) thick ringlet curls 3) any style that's slicked back and chock full of baby hairs in front 4)some version of a bob

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie

OUTFIT

One peek in your closet should lead people to believe you're 1 part hooker, 1 part thrifter, and 1 part ex-gym employee. It must consist of the following items: a matching body hugging Nike/Adidas/and/or brand Yoga bra top and leggings, skyscraper heels, many baseball caps, both oversized and stupid tiny sunglasses, body con dresses, tiny purses, bodysuits, many many many crop tops, mom jeans, skinny jeans, hoop earrings, chokers, modern and vintage throwback pieces, sheer everything, crisp white tennis shoes, stupid oversized jackets and tees, fanny packs, super distressed jeans that can barely be classified as jeans anymore, a teeny weeny bikini, graphic hoodies, and one statement piece that can only be described as-----looks like a trash bag----or was that once an actual bear.

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie

MAKE-UP

If you have no intention of spending at least 1-3 hours minimum in the morning doing straight fire wizardry on your make-up that will require half a pack of make-up wipes to remove at night or your brows are 100% your own, don't even bother. No one on the planet including face recognition software should be able to clock you once you've transformed. If you aren't on a first name basis with the employees at Mac, Sephora, and/or Ulta, this is not for you. If anyone other than your boyfriend, immediate family, cosmetic surgeon, or your dog has seen your completely natural face in the last 3 years, this (clap) is (clap) not (clap) for (clap) you.

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie

LIFE

Everything you do with your life will be super important now to the world....stuff like getting in the the car to go to the coffee shop, walking up to the coffee shop, buying the coffee from the coffee shop, touching coffee cups, walking with coffee, running with coffee, sitting with coffee, having coffee brought to you, looking down at coffee while you check your gram, smelling coffee, making coffee, and drinking coffee. Also super important, sitting on a park bench, poop squat posing on a street corner in broad daylight, looking sexy against a fence, looking sexy at the dentists office, seeing out of a window, standing outside and seeing into a window, looking down at your feet, pouting, blinking, smiling, looking thoughtful, looking confused and thoughtful, looking like you're trying to not look confused while being thoughtful, and finally...breathing.

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie

FRIENDS

Your actual human mouth breather friends are a no-no. If they look normal or are overtly intelligent in anyway, they can only exist in the Upside Down. All your friends for Instagram purposes must look as pretty close to wax sculpture carbon copies of your new baddie self. If they don't believe in the gram, or posing for the gram, or doing their make-up to be allowed the mere opportunity to appear in your gram, they are taking away from the precious time you need to spend walking with and looking cute with coffee. Every opportunity with your friends has to look like they are flirting with the camera and encouraging Mean Girl Regina George level bitchery and jealousy about the fabulousness of your squad. If you don't hashtag squadgoals, I mean, what are you doing, really?

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie

RELATIONSHIPS

Don't have one? Get one. Everything you do with your real (or fake, no judgment) Insta boyfriend must be relationship goals. If he thinks he can show up on your birthday with one rose, he's mistaken. THIS IS THE GRAM we're talking about. Your room must be filled from top to bottom with roses and candles and a 4 tier cake we're sure "he" designed himself even if you have to spend 5 hours setting it all up yourself and then blotting the sweat away from your brow before posing him there with you looking surprised at the last second before the candles melt into oblivion. You must always been seen happy, doing impossible or nonsensical physical feats together, tastefully making out, or if nothing else, drinking coffee together.

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie

MAINTENANCE AND MUTUAL DESTRUCTION

Being an Insta Baddie is not about "real life" silly. It's about creating the disturbing fantasy to all your subsequent viewers that life is about absolutely unattainable perfection, wealth, and beauty that is impossible to sustain or acquire for mere mortals. It's about convincing people that their lives should be just as perfect as yours pretends to be. It's having to constantly live for likes and praise for the most superficial things and falling into a depression when you aren't getting the traffic you used to or worse in your mind, just not getting any at all. The sad thing is while you're trying to convince people you've never met to love you, after a while, you'll find it hard to love yourself as you "create" and "spin" webs of lies about your reality and try to convince yourself that you are this person you've created through filters, fillers, and falsehoods.

Good luck girl!

XOXO, coffee

How To Be an Instagram Baddie
How To Be an Instagram Baddie
46
31
Add Opinion

Join the discussion

Most Helpful Guys

  • Love it. Quite amusing. They do all look alike... I never really understood why any one cares what some one on Instagram does. It's like people who are famous for no reason.

    You can find pics of people photographing these influencers taking selfies and it's very funny.

    Male ones wouldn't be too dissimilar... Buy a truck... Lots of pictures of you outside working but not an ounce of dust on you

    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      So true. My guy friend is famous for being an Instagram poser. He posted a pic of himself on vacation swinging an axe at a pile of wood last winter with a caption "just chopping some wood for the fire," and I was like dude, the axe blade is facing the wrong direction. At least if you're going to fake something, fake it right, lol.

    • Ha ha... Busted. I did try it myself briefly just to see if I could... Yeah I was getting 40 likes a day mostly from businesses but it just felt so fake and took a lot of effort to keep thinking of me pictures

    • Thank you

  • Flamdring

    Holy cow... That girl with a couple of tonnes of makeup on the MyTake snippet, she looks like Magica De Spell from the Scrooge McDuck universe! @Anonymous, thanks for posting this! I would not be surprised if someone actually follows your advice. πŸ˜…

    The sooner this fetish with selfies and fake life that for some reason has to be shared with everyone is over, the better for all of humanity.

    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Haaa! I literally can't unsee it now!

      To your point though, a fad will remain so until people stop buying into it, but at the moment this is what is selling, and with beauty, you dump one thing, and something else, like a virus, crops up right behind it.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Taylor_C

    People need to realize these girls donΒ΄t naturally look like that. All of them had lip fillers, some of them nose jobs and surgically altered butts. Add to that fake lashes and microbladed brows.

    Is this still revelant?
    • Flamdring

      It would be great if all people realised, but so many men and women believe this is how the real hot people must look like. Sometimes you see them dressed like that on the street and think to yourself why you were born in this age... I wish this Instagram crap was over. :/

    • Well every woman on the planet looks average compared to those photos

    • @Warmapplecrumble People on Instagram world NEVER age past 25. By that age, you're considered a senior citizen!

    • Show All
  • R_Cakes91

    Exactly how I feel about self absorbed people who have no other calling in life but to constantly take pictures of themselves because no one wants to hang out with them...

    Is this still revelant?

What Girls & Guys Said

2944
  • Goodwifie

    Nah just wear a G-string and take close up photos of your ass while bending over, the guys will follow you in droves πŸ˜ƒ.
    You'll be a cheap slut but hey who am I to judge.

  • WhiteSteve

    I was always wondering why I had no desire to get involved with InstaGram, but now I get it: I don’t drink coffee. It’s been a β€œme” problem this whole time...πŸ™„πŸ˜‚

    • Anonymous

      Exactly! Ha!

  • ManOnFire

    To be honest, I call them InstaHos. Most of those that I see in my feed are not the ones I'm interested in. A lot of them wear way too much makeup and it irritates me how so many of them only want to show just their ass, or try to stylize themselves like black women with the eyebrows, lips, expressions, and make up, and play that ghetto trap stuff in their annoying selfie vids. It kind of offends me as a black person. I know a hell of a lot of guys are into these InstaHos but they're just kinda disgusting to me.

    I do like thick women and I do follow some on Instagram, but they are ones that look more genuine, especially the cougars. These are mine:

  • hahahmm

    I disagree that small waist requires cracked ribs/corsets. Look at pictures of average women in the 1960s and they had tiny waists naturally. They make modern women look like cube shaped beavers, hogs, and moose. Modern women drink too much booze & are under way too much stress from trying to compete with men which Psychologists tells us increases Testosterone production in women & that hormone works against having the curves our ancestors had. Not to mention all the chowing on processed foods like mass produced ice cream, microwave dinners and other bs that fattens people.

    IG attention whores do use plastic surgery and photoshop

    • What inches are we talking.. cause human women haveu organs that are enclosed behind the waist if you know what I mean.

    • Anonymous

      @OP IB's aren't natural. They intentionally wear corsets and waist trainers and get plastic surgery to get these waist lines that are created unnaturally. It's part of their brand. Nothing about this post should indicate that I am referring to the normal segment of the human female population.

    • xyz94

      @hahahm While stress does change hormone levels temporarily, it does not fundamentally change the shape of a woman's body. If a woman has a narrow waist and wider hips, ie a 'curvy' shape, then that doesn't disappear when she becomes stressed. I know, because I have a small waist and I'm almost constantly stressed! What I do notice is that stress causes me to retain water weight, which disappears after a few days.

  • WTFever

    You left out the most important thing.

    Be a narcissistic attention whore.

  • InTimoreDei

    It's sarcasm people... don't you all know how to read?

    • Anonymous

      ^^^ if anyone made it to the end or read the beginning, they'd know, this is not a promotional handbook or serious, lol.

    • Yup!

      They saw the title and probably didn't even read it. Which is why so many people fall for fake information online and think it is real.

  • Greenfield25

    LMAOOOO that's some good ass satire and the guys on this post are like "eww they're so stupid and shallow and women don't deserve rights"

  • ItsTheNephilim

    So basically set yourself goals to impress others, fake your identity, use others, be narcissistic, change your lifestyle etc for some popularity? *yawn* What a waste!

  • hannal

    am i the only one who is shocked that the writer of this is between 36 and 45?

    • Anonymous

      Why are you so shocked. Everyone is exposed to the trappings of the internet day in and day out whether you're on Instagram or not and from the perspective of someone who *gasp* once lived in a world where the internet was not a thing and all women had were magazines that were barely retouched outside of the magic of make-up---it's crazy to see where the next generation have driven the so called standards of beauty.

  • SpiderManFan2002

    Yeah, I think I'll look for another career option. The GRAM would mean I'm high on coffee all the time...

    Love the sarcasm in this post by the way ;P

  • dancing_in_nebulas

    🀣 sexy at the dentist office 🀣

  • robertKugler

    Sorry please no... I hope it's photo shop.. girls don't aspire to look like her.. please.. Un less it's necessary don't cut pull inflate inject or other wise mutilate your selves in for vanity. excess make up fake nails padded bra hair extention. . etc... is mostly Un nessesary
    Nothing worse than watching a chick fall apart while your fucking her.. aaahhh

  • holograph

    Every single one of those photos looks fake as f**k and totally unattractive.

    • xyz94

      My thoughts exactly. Too much editing and filters. How on earth would you know what they look like when they wake up in a morning?

  • Lauren-green

    Lol the second girl in the "makeup section". You can see her natural lips and how much she's over drawn them πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  • spartan55

    Love it, love it, love it. It's really disturbing how so many (mostly) girls believe that Insta is real social currency...

  • Pamina

    Most of the girls in these pictures look absolutely horrendous.

  • LesterJester

    The Joker called, said he wants his clown makup back.

  • I don't find the Instagram body attractive, they look like frogs or someone who got a lips disease. And their eyebrows look masculine

    • xyz94

      Look like frogs... LOL that's great.

    • πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  • MajesticTwelve

    Just 1 problem with this article.
    Baddie is spelled T-H-O-T

  • LIM1T

    A tutorial on how to lie about your life on social media for likes

  • Giggletr0n

    It's all pointless!

  • This bullshit is on it's way out. Stop telling girls to spend insane money on makeup and expensive cameras for a fad that's going to be dead and buried in 2 or 3 years.

  • Sensmind

    Maybe my age is a factor but thankfully the whole social media era has passed me by that said I do love the IM feature I have in a WHATSAPP group with my friends for banter plus it keeps us in contact with a good friend who has being living abroad for 30 years BUT the whole other bells and whistles that go on in social media, I am going "Why on earth should I care about this?"
    I am not stuck in the mud to crave snail mail but sometimes when I am having a IM chat and it is pretty meaningless or I feel the meanings are getting lost in the short snappy message. I crave an email "How are you? - Whats going on in your life - Oh do you want to talk about it - This is what is happening with me - You know what I have been having a good think about that - Here is what I feel about it" - That can;t be covered by 3 text speak abbreviations , 4 emojis and a 4 second selfie video in your underwear

  • My favorite part from this article:

    "It's about creating the disturbing fantasy to all your subsequent viewers that life is about absolutely unattainable perfection, wealth, and beauty that is impossible to sustain or acquire for mere mortals. It's about convincing people that their lives should be just as perfect as yours pretends to be. It's having to constantly live for likes and praise for the most superficial things and falling into a depression when you aren't getting the traffic you used to or worse in your mind, just not getting any at all. "

    Truest words right here. Loved the sarcasm. All of This is just what the Instagram whores do. Toxic and Disgusting.

  • namelessyoungold

    LOL, on Insta I don't ever show my face or talk about my life. I draw and that's it. Mh. Funny article.

  • Light_beam

    The girls in the photos are extremely super ugly.. whyy are you being disgusting !

  • selfish attention whore thats all what it is. Get real.

  • Thank you for teaching me how to be an Instagram Baddie

  • Muhammad1999

    Wait until Instagram stops and boom you are not a model anymore.

    • Anonymous

      A lot of them are like "I'm a model," but yet who's paying them? What gigs do they have outside of posing against a fence for an image....they took and if Insta shut down, would they still have a job? Exactly. That's why few actual models or the modeling industry take them seriously.

  • joyboy12

    Step 1. Be attractive
    Step 2. Do step 1 over and over

    • xyz94

      Step 1 - Be fake, put on as much make up, hair extensions, as you can, and edit the hell out of all your photos.

  • do what works for the person's style I would say don't try to use styles that don't work for you

  • leahzrc

    Did anybody actually read this?

  • This is cancerous.

  • lizzielolx

    Love this! Absolutely brilliant!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks.

  • Warmapplecrumble

    Lmao this was so funny

  • Too good!

  • Hamsteroids

    Not a fan of this myTake at all πŸ‘ŽπŸΌ

  • SSam23

    Lolll

  • coachTanthony

    OMG that is totally me. I am an Instagram Baddie!

  • lumos

    Oof, too real haha.

  • FictionalCharacter

    πŸ˜„...

  • nerms123

    Nah. Skip all that. Just use photoshop.

  • Suicidesilnc66

    Too much work

  • UI_Vegeta01

    Forgot the "photoshop everything" part

    • xyz94

      THANK YOU for this comment.

  • bel_x

    i LOVE the sarcasm in this

  • chriscdi

    Someone has a grudge against insta baddies lol

  • Massageman

    Cute piece of satirical sarcasm. Thanks!

  • N17RV

    Dang if only my boobs were bigger

  • sp33d

    In short, do nothing meaningful with your life :D

  • SydneySentinel

    HAHA this is spot on, clever girl!

Loading...
Loading...