Getting flirted with by older men at work, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

I want to discuss something which has been at the forefront of my interactions with men in the past years. As a young woman, I cannot ignore the fact anymore that I'm getting looked at, checked out and potentially hit on guys of all ages. That includes pretty damn much older than me.

Generally, I don't have a problem with being shown attention or even affection and I try to view it as a compliment. But, what do you do when attention like that happens at the workplace? Is it really that easy to differentiate simple "like" and attention from flirting and the potential want to act on it?

By being nice in return, which is basically my only choice here, as I've tried out being cold too and it just gives off a bad impression of me, I have the feeling I'm sometimes sliding into the grey area of "is there some tension between us or is this just imagination". It is a bit exhausting.

How do you deal with such things? Do you ever take flirtation at the workplace seriously? In the past, I didn't, but then some incidents happened and I've become aware that people are not always as innocent as it may seem. So, how do you all distinguish between what is what?

[btbc92]

take it to your boss. A lot of them I just lusting after you anyway because you're younger and they want to try to see if they can get sex out of here. It's sexual harassment. I take it very seriously because I don't need any trouble and I don't want to cause harm and trouble to other people. None of it is innocent please remember that.

I just simply stay away from them, until they actually do something that is causing me harm, make me feel unsafe, what is affecting my ability to work. If you're going to any of that then you have a problem and you must address it immediately.

[zagor]

Kind of depends on what that attention is. If she goes to the boss every time someone compliments her or smiles too long she will get a reputation as hypersensitive and needy.

[btbc92]

Who cares if she's hyposensitive or needy that's just flat-out rude and that's wrong to be thinking that way about people. If they wouldn't be doing that in the first place she wouldn't even be in that position to even feel like something is wrong. People do it out of intent. If it was friendly she would not have this problem. She goes to the boys because it's not friendly and it is a problem. I don't care for the people don't like me because I built a reputation of being hypersensitive or whatever. I'm a human being just like the rest of them and I deserve to be treated the way I want to be treated no different. It doesn't depend on what that tension is. Flirting is flirting and is not acceptable especially at the workplace. Then if something happens if you got bit and up in a sexual situation with them, then what's the problem is going to be? Better to live with that reputation than to be caught up with drama and then you end up sorry. Save me from a lot of hell and potential harm when I was working.

[btbc92]

If people think of that is being hypersensitive and needy, than they sure better get themselves checked at the psychiatrist. Because that is not normal behavior to be thinking that way about people when they clearly say through not only that body language but verbally they are not comfortable with it. You're there to be working not there to be fooling around. Or else those same guys might as well just give their jobs away to people who are willing to actually take their job seriously. Smiling and complimenting have nothing to do with flirting. We can tell flirting from simple compliments and being friendly we're not stupid. What is so hard with the word respect anymore? These guys are older men and they should know better. I'm sure they would not do it if her father was around. Just like some had the balls to try to catcall me at the store, and never knew my father saw the whole thing. When he approached them and told him I was his daughter, you can bet they changed their tune. Immediately. Respectful men and women don't do that. At all. If I don't like you I have the right to refuse your advances. It's a shame if a woman tries to protect herself she gets looked at as being hypersensitive or needy. If she curses them out and starts yelling and screaming all of a sudden she starting trouble. If you don't want problems don't escalate those problems with people. If they cannot respect you when you say no, they going to have no choice but to answer to the one they have to respect. And that's the one that's giving him a paycheck.

[zagor]

I worked at a place where there was a fair amount of dating among co-workers. The boss had met his wife there (she was no longer working there when I came along) so it was very accepted. But several couples would up getting married.

It probably helped that we were all nerdy engineers so any flirting was pretty subdued and respectful.

[btbc92]

But that's the point that you are not getting. If it's allowed at your workplace that is a different story. And if others didn't care about it, that's their business. But people like me do care about it. We don't interfere in your relationships, and that we don't really care as long as you don't bring it to the workplace. But in other places that's not how it goes for a good reason. It's all about the intent. And if you're already good friends and you have much in common, and it's acceptable oh, did that is different. What she talkin about is nothing on friendly levels. These are old men trying to pursue a young woman because they want to fix an itch. This has nothing to do with dating this has to do with sex. And that is enough to make any young woman uncomfortable.

[btbc92]

I had a lot of that mess trying to go on while I worked and you can bet people quit tgeir work because they couldn't handle rejection or other personal issues theu already had. I went to work with people with a married couple, or try to date, and they never brought that mess to the workplace. I don't care about that. Their life is their life, that's their business. I respect their relationship, and I respect who they are as people because they are my co-workers. But if you're going to be bringing sex scandals, who bleeped who and how they did it this way, what their favorite position is, ETC, you can bet I'm going to speak up about it. Because it's inappropriate talk, and it's not a place for it. And if a guy is trying to push for something like that to go on just because they're too busy fantasising that they see in fiction and they're looking to try to do that with me, they better think again. That is what we are discussing. We are not talking about people who are just trying to be friendly. We're talking about guys who are flirting because they're horny and they have no Outlet to get their sexual needs from. No different than there are women progressively flirt with men who are not flirting with them back. Then hit them with a sexual harassment note just because he rejected her. That's the kind of toxicity that have no place in a professional establishment. If a company is a ruse for it to be a place of whoredoms I rather know the first day I try to apply than to be an employee and then I have to leave that same day. I done it before. I will do it again.

[zagor]

Really? It showed up that quick?

[btbc92]

If you're highly intuitive enough yeah you can pick it up. You can feel it in the atmosphere, if you have good hearing like me you can pick up on people's body language and their voices. You can tell a lot of things. I have friends who work right now and went through the same thing recently. The first week they started working on a job already had more than seven people trying to flock to them for a relationship. Co-workers on top of that. That's how thirsty people are. Once they had said no, already have people trying to talk. Lots of jobs that have that are usually scams.

[btbc92]

Or have indecent work practices. I have family members that had jobs like that, when they're trying to work, they antagonize you because they find out you either Christian, or you have belief systems that they don't agree with. They dislike you for being different. Not because your unfriendly. That's why understanding the work culture of your employment it's highly important.

[btbc92]

If you are ready nice, have a great personality, good manners, and you're really attractive. Yeah you're going to attract trouble. You going to be attracting a lot of secret admirers that's not even that secret, a lot of jealous people of the same sex oh, and people who just want to date you all because you all those things and they still don't even really know him. Then once they get to know the real you then they stop having that same excitement they had of you from the first time they met you. That's how it goes. So not only did you lose potential friends oh, but you made potential enemies as well just for being yourself.

[zagor]

Well, none of those problems at my current job, which I do from my spare bedroom. But even before we went to remote working, there were 25 guys in the office, and 3 women, all 3 married and over 40.

[btbc92]

Again. Where you at if it healthy, then that is different. If everybody don't care about it then regardless of my moral standing, that all that matters. The point being is that regardless of what your experiences are, she is the one that's experiencing these problems just as I have. This is why you hear so many people especially women have a lot of sexual harassment issues at work. And why you hear guys have a lot of trouble because they think it's acceptable to be doing to everybody.

[zagor]

One of the worst places I worked for backstabbing and hidden agendas was an office that had only two other men, and a dozen women, mostly young. No sexual tension but a lot of catty stuff. But me and one of the other guys were the only ones with college degrees there, as opposed to near 100% most places I've been, and that seemed to make a difference too.

[btbc92]

Well again is less to do with the amount of people between two genders. And more so to do about maturity and mentality. If you get enough immature people, and people with bad intentions, it won't matter what Sex for gender you are. What's going to matter is how you handle yourself in those situations. And if that's how your job was, I would immediately left from that place

[zagor]

Being a guy actually kind of kept us away from all that crap. We'd just sit back and watch in amusement. It was a job I didn't intend to stay at long anyway.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you, btbc92, I really appreciate your input and explanations! Yes, this is different from harmless flirting. I've had older men harmlessly flirt with me and I just kind of smiled because I thought oh well, let them have some fun. But that's not what I'm talking about here.

[kespethdude]

I think my words are coming out of your keyboard, @btbc92 lol

[kespethdude]

... But I'd like to ass that this sort of thing is not appropriate at work for ANY age. Do that sort of thing elsewhere.

[kespethdude]

* add... I HATE my keyboard...

[jestergent]

You read this and the hypersensitivity comments and think "Yet they turn around and ask why men stopped flirting." Look girls, not ladies till y'all grow up. You can't choose who likes you. Who gets to flirt. Either you get no attention from anyone or you get attention, but you dont get to choose who likes you, or bothers to give you attention. So if you complain about compliments and anything small, its a fair warning, no men will give women attention in the future, and it will just be bad men doing it. Its a small trend thats been going on, but just keep it up and we gonna be japan soon. It needs to really be... a sexual harrassment case, otherwise we doing what japan does, and what denmark does, in the near 10 years from now.

[btbc92]

Gentlemen. Your reasons for you behavior are WRONG. You shouldn't be flirting with women. You are there to work. You are not there to be trying to get somebody to hook up in your bedroom. Everybody ain't seeking your attention in those ways. Because your ways is sexual anyway. If you have no logical reason to be talked into what you need to stay away from us. If we talk to you at least some of us for the most part we're there to befriend you. We're not there to be looking a hop in your drawers. And so is Jackie you think is going to be your way or the highway. Well guess what thank God not everybody is like you. We should not have to feel threatened that the only way to really have a good healthy relationship with a man is only contingent to unless we have you in our panties. Really sickening. The hell is wrong with you. Don't make no threat to us with your so-called fair warning. Fair warning that's going to be with you is unless you stop what the heck you're doing and learn to treat us with respect you're not going to be having anybody interested in wanted to get to know you for anything that includes friendship or dating. If you're that interested in sex scandals in your job then go to a place that promotes it. Stop bothering women who are not interested in your pornography fantasies.

[btbc92]

Women are not scared to make friends with men. You men are just scared you not getting laid which is really ridiculous. I don't want nobody approaching me who don't have good intent. I'm not scared of you type of people anymore thank God. I'll be around people who are interested in investing in me.

[Adam1978]

Simple answer politely if required, Don't go around trying to analyze guys behavior you wouldn't consider dating, waste of time and effort. Just do your thing and reject any none work related suggestions from them. And do a professional judgement on the work related. If it's guy you could consider dating let them do their thing, maybe encourage or do your own moves to make the final judgment if it should lead to more.

[zeroluck]

I agree and if these older men start getting "insistent" and making it difficult for you to work, dismissing your rejection, start getting physical with you, or start implying that your rejection would reflect on your professional life don't be afraid to REPORT IT and don't be afraid to LEAVE either. No job is worth your safety like that.

[lol20075]

I work in retail and have been hit on a lot from customers of all ages too. The creepiest hit was an older dude (maybe in his 50s?) who joked out loud to another coworker about buying me and taking me home with him. The colleague and I were looking at each other like wtf but knowing that this guy isn't a returning customer I just kind of shrugged and let it go. There's also this exterminator guy who I met for the first time a year back and he was smiling like crazy at me and always going where I went.

A lot of my colleagues are older men who are happily married or in a serious relationship. They are friendly but not flirty to the point where it's uncomfortable. My boyfriend also works in the same place I do, they are smart enough to not hit on me or pull any fast ones.

Now that we have to wear masks I don't encounter any kind of flirting when I'm up there cashiering, but it's when the masks come off I know its going to make a comeback. Thankfully I don't have to be up there as much anymore. Some customers are just sincerely trying to flatter you (after all, who can resist a pretty face) and others are plain creeps about it. If it really bothers you I highly suggest you talk to your boss. I'm not sure if you're referring to older men as in your coworkers, or customers. But bring it up with your boss and see if you can be reassigned to a different workstation away from leering eyes. I'm not going to lie, some men are going to be sleazy enough to try to get you to go home with them, and this has happened to me once at my first job when I was walking home from work. This guy slowed down his car and offered to drive me home and followed me for 3 blocks, even circling the block. Thank God the 99 cents store was nearby. I quickly went inside and he was gone.

[zeitgeist057]

I think it is important you find a space where you feel comfortable.
For me, I like to flirt with everyone, but have a hard boundary if anyone tries to get serious with me that I am not into. I really have no interest in the married or very physically unattractive people I am around, but I like to flirt and be friendly with everyone. Most people can understand I am not seriously pursuing them in the slightest way, but there may be someone who develops a crush on me that I am not reciprocating. In that case, I am aware of it, and I can even keep flirting with them, but if they confess to me or approach me with a date proposal, then I let them know I am not interested.

This should be enough but I do realize I experience the male privilege and people may not be so respectful of your boundaries as a female. In this case, you must be continuously firm with your boundary so they know you are serious, and you must also begin to follow up in a legal manner if it is at work.

This means letting the person know on their second attempt that you have already said "no", you were not interested one time and that you do not need to repeat your disinterest multiple times, once should be enough. But if they continue, it needs to be brought up to a supervisor, or if they are your supervisor it should be brought up to their supervisor two levels above you. If it is the top level supervisor, then outside government agencies need to be reported to.
Unfortunately, this is the very real and unfair times we live in, but you can use the tools at your disposal.

That is just my approach, because I enjoy flirting. But if you don't want to flirt at all, you are not required. You can stay cool and still be polite.

[Anonymous]

Tbh, I work in a very "good ol' boy", male dominated industry, and I use it to my advantage. I keep it professional, but I toe the line of sexual tension with everyone. and now I have a small army of allies, including all my male coworkers at my division, my boss- who is ridiculously into me, my career trajectory, and is protective of me- and the COO. I'm confident that if someone gave me an issue, my boss would *obliterate* them.

Truth be told, I've gotten way farther because I went ahead and embraced my femininity in a sea of men. But at the same time, I'm passionate about the same nerdy things they are passionate about, willing to learn, open-minded, and not oblivious to the fact that my femininity can inspire them in ways other men can't. Being able to make personal connections is a big part of leadership, and tasteful flirtatious banter can skyrocket that.

Some may call it evil, or opportunistic, or promiscuous. But let's be honest here- everyone is given a deck of cards to play in the game of life, and playing this game enables women to even the playing field a little bit when they're competing with men and their associated male privilege. We don't have the same opportunities men do. Might as well take them when we can, and actually, might as well take more when we can to make up for the ones that we lost.

TL;DR: Flirting at work can be awesome. Reframe it in your mind from, "this dirty bastard" to, "this jovial colleague's desire to please me sexually and emotionally can benefit me professionally". Just whatever you do, never actually bang them!

[Jake99999]

Stay away from any romantic relationship with someone you work with. Lots of reasons why that is not a good idea.

If any man is saying things to you in the office that make you uncomfortable, report it to HR if it bothers you, is excessive, is out of line.

Guys in the office should be respectful. Its not a pick-up bar, its a place of work. There are some gray areas where you are not sure if something is truly a problem or not, but in general you can tell when something crosses the line, right? if it makes you feel uncomfortable, its not right.

[websterII]

well we shouldn't blame the victim.. but it's does increase the chance of it occuring.. if you dress to attract your probably gonna attract some flies.. if your so cursed that you look absolutly fantastic and attractive in anything.. well.. i'm sorry your so beautiful.. but that said.. you should always tell them no.. or please stop.. they might think they are complementing you and not think they are assaulting you.. so you have to take that first step and make sure they udnerstand it is offensive and intimdating to you and you should not have to experience that in the work place. basically if they are not attacking you.. touching you.. the onus is on you to inform them it is not acceptable.. ocne u them them that.. the onus is on them to stop. going official to your chain of command is risky.. cus you hit a bigot in that line it might effect your job.. so now you gottal decide what's more important.. and worst case you can talk to a lawyer.. but if you lose your gonna hve nothing

[Liasso]

I have seen this a lot and in my opinion,
Dating in the same workplace ends badly 85 percent of the time.
And if you don't want to be hit on be clear about your intentions at work.
Just do your job diligently and deny/warn them that you aren't interested and are here for work.
Keep things professional if they dont abide by that then go to your superior with a harassment complaint.

Also try to aside work related things to just avoid them completely, most guys will understand that gesture. If you keep being passive-aggressive about it they will see it as a game to conquer you.

Gl

[kespethdude]

Flirtation has NO PLACE at work at ANY age. You should at least speak up and ask why they are looking at you and to stop it. If they do not, contact HR. If they make any harassing comments, contact HR. If they assault you, call the police. This is regardless of the age. Wanna flirt? Do it outside company time. It is sexual harassment and not to be tolerated.

[kespethdude]

A simple "What are you looking at?" will usually suffice. If they persist, contact HR.

[DrMeow]

talk to someone about it. (depending on how uncomfortable it was) And maybe talk to your boss about this, keep note if there were witness. Stay assertive and confident and tell them to stop nice and loud so everyone can hear. U can search online some tips or ask other trusted people for advice.

[OutWestBandit]

young or old guys are always testing you - especially if you are pretty.

no guy is going to turn down the opportunity to get their dick wet. (ever)

All you have to do is be polite and dont engage past what is required.
you may have engaged in conversation past that a few times - pull back

if they keep at it - then yeah distance yourself (he got thirsty wants another crack at you- keeps bringing up that conversation from 2 weeks ago)

there is always the shame angle - if they are really making an effort in front of other people - these people notice and say WTF to him

[Gedaria]

This happened about 18months ago. One of the companies I deal with , I'm always going in there for work. And I'm for ever joking with the girls in the office some times it is a bit flirty, but they laugh it off. Well I had just come out of the gents, and the young lad out of office, asked me don't you like me. I said why you laugh and joke with the others but you never even say hello to me.
I was gutted, this lass was about 17. I didn't think you would want an old guy teasing you, she said why not I think you are great.
I didn't know what to say,
You never say anything , I didn't think you would like me teasing you why not, I enjoy it when you. come in. She smiled and walked away
. I felt like some one had slapped my face.

[Kiss_Me]

Be an adult and a professional. Speak to the guy YOURSELF. Explain to him his actions make you feel uncomfortable. If he does not back off, THEN go to HR.

Running to your Boss or HR right away is a huge display of weakness for all to see. Not a good thing in the workplace.

[kaylaS91]

I ignore it or kinda shut it down if it’s persistent.
I mean.. it’s important to remember that, for a woman, if she pursues a guy sexually/romantically in the workplace, that tends to make her automatically lose credit for any work she’s contributed to. People have no issue attributing what she’s done to being because she’s flirting with, hooking up with or dating xyz.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you're overreacting and reading too much into this in the first place.

Yesterday, I was at university and met a young assistant professor much less than half my age. I spoke to her, shared some info about our younger days, and was generally chatty. Okay, you can say this was unsolicited attention...

At no point of time was my thoughts vaguely sexual. I saw her as a daughter-like figure, who could play a role in shaping the youth of our part of the world. Someone who could play a valuable role in mentoring. I spoke to her as kindly as I would to any bright or hard-working young man in whom I saw potential.

Perhaps young women are told too many times to watch out for the big bad wolf out to gobble someone while they are on their way to Grandmum's house!

(PS: This is not to deny that such people exist, but their role is probably far overplayed. This is what some other guy responses are hinting at too.)

[R3DthatDude]

I try to stay way from office romance, especially if your a woman. It can end badly and You don’t want a soap opera drama at your work place. Women tend to get the worst off the end of the stick. If your uncomfortable tell them to please stop. I wish I could take your place for one moment and handle it. My little sister gets hit on a lot and she has a husband and it angers me, some guys can be aggressive.

[Anonymous]

An old rule I learned a long time ago served me well. Flirting should never be done in the workplace and you should never date someone you work with. Too many problems come up.

[pointyhat]

use ur intuition and what u think u should do.. thats usually the answer for most things in life... like for example u probably think the right thing to do is lightly reject him slowly and tell him no? thats is teh right thing to do, so go with it

[razilia]

Just pretend that I havnt noticed anything. Then they know that I'm not interested. After some unsuccessful attempts they stop.

[zagor]

That's what I did when a girl I worked with, who was a good friend, tried to make some unsubtle hints she wanted more. I pretended to be naive and clueless.

[Iron_Man]

Its a part of life appreciate your getting all the attention one day it could stop and you'll crave it big time.

[Texaskid1]

Just tell them you have 10 kids from 8 different guys.

That should scare them off.

[Redtop101]

Flirting, regardless of where can be seen as an encouragement which can only get you into trouble. Don’t engage in behaviour that is saying yes unless you want it.