Do girls understand why a lot of guys aren't more forward in expressing interest?

[Anonymous]

I feel like a lot of girls don't understand what's going through a guy's head when he's flirting with and getting to know a girl. Most girls seem to think that guys are pretty devoid of delicate feelings, like we are incapable of being hurt in this phase of a relationship. As such, they don't understand why we're as trepidatious as we are.

I understand the risks of rejection, but what makes me most leery of new girls is the risk of being used. As much as girls think guys are the users in relationships, there are a lot of girls out there who do the same. They may not use us for sex, but they do use guys for things like validation, attention, and even money. Men have the same feelings as girls, at least, many of us do, especially the better guys, the ones who aren't players. This is why we sometimes hold back from showing more of our cards early on in the proceedings. Do y'all understand that?

[oldlady]

I have always assumed that mens' feelings are as easily hurt as women's and that you all are more thoroughly socialized to try to hide it when you're hurt. I guess I would have thought that the fear of rejection was a bigger thing than fearing being used.

[Asker]

Rejection is a big thing, but it's easier to get an answer about that than it is about a girl's true intentions. So if a girl is going to reject me, I'll know it right away, but if she's out to use me, I'll only find that out after I've invested quite a bit of time and emotion into her.

[oldlady]

That makes sense. And I'm thinking it's probably easier to tell if a guy is looking to use me sexually than for you to figure out if she's just using you for validation.
Just for the record (I can't resist adding this), I AM using my boyfriend for validation, attention, and (sort of) money. That is, I love being seen with him in public and introducing him to my friends - having an awesome boyfriend feels like evidence of my attractiveness and my good taste. I revel in his attention - no relationship would make sense if you didn't pay attention to each other. And he almost always pays when we go out since his tastes are more expensive than mine (and his income way higher) so my early attempts at financial egalitarianism were unsustainable and I stopped trying. I don't think of myself as using him 'cause I adore him and kinda like the idea of growing old with him, but I wonder if someone like me would set off your alarm bells. ?

[Asker]

No, probably not, because I'm looking for signs of her interest in *me* specifically rather than in what I provide to her. As long as she's into me, I'm happy. Where the problem comes is when the girl thinks I'm attractive, likes being around me, enjoys the flirtation, but doesn't want to go *there* with me. Those are the girls who do the pullback when I try to ramp things up. Like I'll do something physical and she'll seem lukewarm, or I'll say something that implies a commitment and she'll tell me I'm being too clingy/fast.

[Jaz1295]

Totally agree with you, we like attention and look for it. We like being wanted, some guys are way to nice. They show us that if they like us they other guys might to and start adding things to a list of what kind of guy we actually want to end up with.

[Asker]

And that's me, the guy who's way too nice who seems ripe for being used by the type of girl who doesn't really want anything more than that constant attention and validation. I'm a good-looking guy, but not mercenary enough to force girls into admitting up front that they don't really want to be with me.

[Jaz1295]

That sucks, you should try to change things up. Nice guys are nice and predictable and you know he won't hurt you. But girls don't really want a predictable nice guy to be serious with be spontaneous. Maybe that'll help

[Asker]

To me, though, "spontaneous" means flaky. I'm not that guy and don't want to be. If a girl's main interest in a guy is that he's unpredictable, she's probably not for me. I'm a serious guy who doesn't do casual relationships. Everything else is a waste of time to me.

[Jaz1295]

You'll find someone eventually.

[oldlady]

Jaz1295, you really think most of us don't want a "predictable nice guy"? The word I usually use is "reliable", when I'm singing my boyfriend's praises, but I really value a man (and female friends, too) who does what he says and says what he means.

[Jaz1295]

I stated my opinion and you don't like it that's fine Oldlady

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do udersteand your point but you're not alone here.

Beautiful girl and smart are afraid: so when we meet a guy we like, we are always afraid to show too much affection at the beginning since we have to know him.

If we show too much affection he becomes a jerk - in most cases- he brags about her to their e. g. sports-team or considers her as an object not incentivising her qualities.

You get also our point right? So, at the beginning the guy should reassure the girl of his intentions and make it clear. after that is done everything is good. Also a woman could feel exploited too because she is beautiful, smart and comes form a good background.

A smart girl if she has deep feelings for him, even if she is afraid of that she will eventually clarify that with the guy she likes in the early stages but if the guy rejects then his purpose was clear.. and sadly she was right about the guy.. :(

[whatthehellwasthat]

I've NEVER heard of that, but I can believe you, yeah. I've seen it once or twice -.- But those relationships don't last a minute, and there's a LOT of people, especially chicks, telling a guy when he's being used. No girl wants to see a good guy hurting over a piece of crap.

[Caty7]

You're completely right. Some girls just want attention, fame and money. They even use more the men than men use women. But be aware that some girls are different. Kiss *

[Anonymous]

Why is it that men say from the 60's and 70's never had this problem to the level now , What happend to the bold men who could care less about being shot down. But went for what they want , A real woman want a real man who's not scared of nothing.

[Asker]

To be fair, I think women were different back then, too. Women today are much more likely to say that they neither need or want a man in their lives. Guys hear these messages from women, messages we hear every day, and we end up internalizing them. Trust me, there are a lot of guys in America who believe that women are fundamentally uninterested in what they have to offer.

[Opinion Owner]

That's true, I never thought about it like that. Maybe it was easier for men to put their guard down , To be honest I don't have this problem regarding men. The men I have been interested in were all open , Even if they were shy. They were open with me , Maybe you have a problem when women reject you. So you keep your feelings in to the women you really like.

[Asker]

I do keep my feelings to myself for a long time after I've met someone. I'm not a shrinking violet, but I do get easily hurt when I make myself vulnerable. What makes it tough for men is that we don't have anywhere to turn when we do get hurt. We don't really have friends or relatives who are willing to console us and reassure us that things will work out. In fact, we're seen as weak and unmasculine simply for expressing hurt at being used or rejected by a woman for whom we had strong feelings.

I'm a big, strong guy, but the tiniest woman has more power to hurt me than they largest man ever will. Y'all have a lot of power over men. Most women never fully realize it, but you do.

[Opinion Owner]

That's tough, I bet it's hard for so many men to express their feelings. But one should never give up on love if they want it, you just have to use discernment and trust what vibes you're picking up from a person. Everyone is vulnerable of getting hurt, but try to pick the best person for you. Keep in mind you could be keeping feelings to yourself, to the one person you need to open up to

[LittleSally]

Yes, i get that...
No worries.

[LittleSally]

I didn't get it before...
But once I joined this site I got that - pretty clearly.
Weird how most western country men are afraid of this. Doesn't happen nearly as often in other countries.

[Asker]

Yes, I've heard girls complain about how American guys are wimps about this compared to guys in other countries. Maybe they're right, but I'm not sure why they're so much more forward than they are. Part of me thinks that the women in those countries are less prone to games than American women, but I don't know.