Is it okay to check up on your ex?

[happa808]

Is it okay to check up on your ex, like seeing how they're doing, and making sure they're taking the break up okay? I'm not really sure about the proper procedures here, but I still wanna make sure my ex is doing fine, but I don't want to make it look like I wanna get back together, just remind her that I don't want her completely out of my life, but to stay friends, and make sure she'd doing all right. I know I can check up after a while, but exactly how long? Do I wait for a week? A month? I'm just sort of a concerned person and like to make sure all of my friends are doing okay, and that goes double for my ex in this case (though it was my first relationship). The break up ended with her exiting pretty fast, running to her car, and trying not to cry; it made me feel really bad, but I knew something like that would happen.

If I can check up on her and make sure she's okay, through what medium? I'd prefer a phone call, but less direct methods might be more gentle for her.

Thanks for any help, and in case this comes up, the break up was NOT mutual, I wanted to breakup, she didn't see it coming, and I have no intention at the moment of us becoming romantically involved ever again, just friends.

Updates

+1 y

She called me to ask why, I guess for a more specific answer, though I thought I was fairly specific, I'll clarify it for her and leave her alone for at least until next year, then check up, if anyone thinks this is a bad idea, how do I amend any errors

[Anonymous]

This I can answer and vent to, in a way I can't really do with my ex lol. So thanks for starters!

Don't say things like. "I hope this email/text finds you well". in EVERY e-mail or text. Because she's doing just fine.

Don't tell her, if you know you are her first relationship, that "this break up will be the hardest and the next time it won't hurt as much"... she doesn't need to know how easy it was for you to dump her. And trust me, she WANT's to be in a relationship and fall in love as much that it has the potential to hurt just as much as you dumping her has.

Don't write her e-mails telling her you miss all the things you did together, out of the blue after a month and a half of no contact, but remind her of a specific f*** up that she did while she was going through a bad time. Just so she knows that although you miss her you don't want her back.

Don't say, "if you want to chat(via the phone), I'd be up for that" as if you're doing her a favour by letting her contact you, and when she tells you after a couple days that she'd be fine if you wanted to call and then just not call. And then say to her, they can chat (via phone) when she's ready?! What the f*** is that all about?

Don't let all your correspondence sound as though you feel nothing but pitty, she's trying her best to let you go and move on, and be happy, she doesn't need you making her feel pitiful especially when all of her communication has been to show she's fine and moving on.

Yes it hurt her, yes she was crushed but she doesn't need to be reminded of that.

If you write her an e-mail and she replies a few days later, and you don't reply, for a further 3 weeks there is no need to send a little e-mail telling her, her e-mail has not been forgotten and that "I'll write you a long e-mail when I have time" and then not send an e-mail at all for another three weeks.

Just talking to her like a normal human being instead of some wounded animal isn't going to make her think that everything is on again, and even if it does it's not your problem it's hers.

And actually a second dumping is always good for the soul. Especially if she feels she f***ed up, has fixed up and would like to see if she can attract you again, if she can't then she's sure it could never have worked and she'd be happy to move on, it's no skin off your nose, really is it. Unless she is a nutter, but then if you want to be friends I doubt she is a nutter. It would actually help with some closure, although be a bit awkward for you to have to double dump. lol



And after 6 years there's no need to act like she's a total stranger, especially if she is doing her best not to contact you and letting you do all the contacting.

That's not a friendship that's bullsh*t and she'd much prefer not to e-mail or speak to you at all than put up with that sh*t and have the feeling like she wants to slap you upside the head but have to write a nice polite meaningless bullsh*t e-mail back.

[happa808]

Glad I could be of service haha

[BabyJenks]

Personally I would give her some space to get her head straight again. If she took it as badly as you say she did, she's probably still upset. How long were you together?

I would say give it till after Christmas and New Year. This time of year is stressful enough as it is. Also I know you care about your ex but she might misconstrue it as some sort of way of getting back together. IMO I wouldn't check up on an ex, because that's what they are an ex...not part of your life anymore, plus it just muddies the water and causes grief for both of you.

If you are going to contact her then I would personally reccommend using something like email or Facebook, that way there is no chance for either of you to get too emotional. Phone calls can lead to rows, whereas with email and Facebooking you can at least take a step back and have a chance to think about what you want to say.

[happa808]

Went for about a month short of a year

well I don't want her out of my life, just not in a relationship, besides, we have a lot of the same friends so I don't think I could pull off her being out of my life if I tried. I still want to be friends anyway. indirectly is good? okay

[Starling]

It's okay to talk to them, I wouldn't say anything along the lines of "I'm just making sure you're taking the break up okay" because that seems pompous, and arrogant. And personally, would p*ss me off beyond all belief.

[happa808]

I don't mean to be like that, in fact, some help in wording the first thing would be great, any tips?

[Music_Man]

Man, I know exactly how you feel! See, I'm the kind of person that beats myself up over breakups, and I end up feeling sorry for them and making sure they're ok. However, my best advice is to text her once and tell her you're there for her, if she needs anyone.

In light of that, I wouldn't pay too much attention, because you might see new people in her life, and that might tear you up a bit. Its healthy to keep a distance, but maybe once or twice a week, drop her a note on Facebook/sms seeing how she's doing. Believe me, I would love that from my EX. It shows you still care.

[Starling]

That seems pretty often to be checking up. Most people like a little space after a breakup. Having that person always around you isn't going to let you get over them, which is what you need.

[happa808]

So between you two, it's cool to check up every so often, but through a medium that's less personal. Any idea how long till it won't be too awkward in person, because she kind of goes to high school across the street from my college...and we have a lot of the same friends