Is she just killing time with me until something better comes along?

[Anonymous]

Been dating 5 months. I'm 41, she's 39. She has two kids 13 and 15, divorced 7 years. Very steamy in the beginning, but there's a little catch...I'm 3 inches shorter than her and she said it bothers her a bit. We have both ignored it for he most part, but it will come up from time to time. We've spent nearly every weekend together, I've helped her with many projects around her house and we have an amazing time together. Sometimes she's hot, sometimes she's cold and sometimes acts unsure about us. It's when we're away during the week, she seems to fade as she is busy running the kids everywhere. I understand completely that her sole focus and priority is towards her kids, but in the beginning she showed much more interest in planning the weekend to come. Of course her scaled down lack of interest worries me. A few other things to note. She has told me that she really enjoys our friendship and then follows it with asking me to do something. She knows that it is more than a friendship since we are intimate all the time. that's the confusing part? She says these things, yet still shows affection and intimacy? I'm definitely getting mixed signals and it's a very unnerving feeling to not know where things stand and I hate pressing the issue by asking her. I tend to over think things like this and I'm unsure how to handle the situation, as I do care very much about her. Any advice ladies?

Updates

+1 y

I have a feeling that I'm expecting more than she is ready for right now even though she showed very high interest in the beginning with lot's of texts and emails. Shall I just step back and see where it goes?

Updates

+1 y

100 views and only one comment? Come on ladies? :)

[johnny_hustle]

My mom is 45 almost 46, dating a 56? year old dude. I see my mom maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and when it comes to how long, I would say in a given week; I see my mom for about 25-30 minutes a week. Sure I'm 18 almost 19, and have 3 older brothers 20 almost 21... 23 almost 24 and 24 almost 25, but I also have a younger sister that just turned 15. It is a bit different than your position because she has a 15 and a 13 child who aren't exactly old enough to drive and due things on their own, but they are still both old enough to be able to take care of themselves when she is out with you. However, I do think she likes you a lot, but she isn't ready for a committed relationship. If she was she would make more time for you. There's a thing that is needed in a relationship called compromise. Which I think you have made plenty of. It's time for her to compromise and sacrifice some time with her kids and spend with you. By all means I am not saying that she should just disregard her children, but her kids are old enough to understand that in a relationship people should be going on dates and spend more time together. I can almost guarantee you that even though when need be her kids want her home, but for the most part, like late nights, (which I don't know your schedule) would be a great time for you two to hang out. The kids will be home alone, and free to do what they want. While you and her would be able to do what you two do.

[Asker]

Well said! The last thing I want is for her to be to feel torn between me or the kids and that's not the case. I think she is being wise and taking things slow to see if I'm the right one to be in both her and her kid's lives.

[Bruce]

Another guy's point of view...I see this time and again...I would "get lost' for a period of time and see what her reaction is...This sounds familiar...and based on what you have said here, she has more irons in the fire than she can handle.

This intuitively tells me that she is 'shopping' for the 'best deal' she can drum up, and you are probably just in the mix...Not pleasant to hear, but from my experience and watching this play out with other couples, this is what I see happening and you, eventually, getting the short end of the stick...

I went out with a girl ONE TIME, we went to bed the first time out, and she said she was shopping an old boyfriend...that was the end of the line for me...

Painful, but cut your losses or I see nothing but a losing situation for you on this one...

Write back in six months and tell me I was wrong...

Bruce ...

[Asker]

There are no other guys involved, I can assure you that! She does have morals and children. Also, she is always busy with the kid's extracurricular activities, work etc.. to be juggling more than one guy. And when she's not doing that, she is spending time with me.

[Bruce]

Give it some time then, and see how it works out for you and her both........

[Tamikaze]

I will tell you that mixed signals is not a good thing. The fact that you are shorter than her is not even a "catch" as you put it. So what. What is the catch is that it seems to be something she is noticing, and that she is running hot and cold, and that when you are apart she fades out, and that she tells you she enjoys your friendship, and then asks you to do something.

I know what it feels like to be in love with someone wholeheartedly. You do not fade out no matter what life throws your way. You don't refer to your connection to the other person in terms of friendship. You are so over the moon for that person you definitely are not finding fault with them, such as height.

What I see here is a woman who does enjoy you on a certain level but is trying to talk herself into feeling more than she does. I don't think she is doing this on purpose. I think she sees you are a great guy and wants to have all the feelings she can for you but they just are not there. In the end, you have to ask yourself at some point, is this working for you? Is this enough? Do you really want to be someone's "okay"? Wouldn't it be better to wait until you find a woman that thinks you are amazing just the way you are?

As a fellow 40-something dater, I wish you the best of luck!

[Asker]

All valid points! I guess my big concern is that if she refers to me as a friend, then why on earth would she be intimate with me? Like the other response said...I think she's as confused as I am. I have been very available for her and I know that looks desperate, so I need some advice on how to back off and look less interested without it looking like there's a problem? She's definitely a keeper if she would ever come around. Thanks

[Tamikaze]

I just went through this myself, but the opposite direction. If he had done anything to distance himself or be less available, it wouldn't have helped. It might have delayed the reality, that we were not a good match, but it wouldn't have made us a good match. And, yes, you can still be intimate with someone that you have mixed feelings for.

[Asker]

The thing about it, she admits we are an awesome match except the height is something she is trying to get over. She loves my personality and I love hers! Never an arguement, we just have an amazing time in each others company. Damn height! :(

[Tamikaze]

The guy I just broke it off with had a number of deal breakers. One was that he had horrible health habits leading to being very out of shape and over weight. He actually improved several things, but being overweight had permanently affected him and short of surgery, he could not resolve some issues. But, until I felt a loss of connection, I was able to look past this. If I had continued to feel connected to him, I know I could have looked past it still.

[Asker]

"But, until I felt a loss of connection, I was able to look past this. If I had continued to feel connected to him, I know I could have looked past it still."

Can you explain, because that doesn't make sense? You were or were not able to look past it until you felt a loss of connection?

[Tamikaze]

It was not an issue. If I had remained in love with him it still would not have been an issue.

[sosara21]

Okay she's been divorced for years and has to basically raise her kids on her own so she's a very independent woman and probably a lot more cautious because of the divorce. Also because she has kids they will always be her umber 1 priority no matter who comes into her life. She was probably more into the relationship in the beginning because it was new and exciting and probably something she needed as a single mom. Now she's cooled off a bit because she's more comfortable with you. I say show her your interested in spending time with her kids and say plan a barbeque or something for her entire family instead of just the two of you. Once her kids are more comfortable with you she will be too :)

[cutestkathy]

She wants you available for chores OR sex, but her commitment is totally to her kids. This isn't unusual for single mothers. Either accept that or cut her loose; she's not going to change. The kids will come first and whatever leftover time or energy, she'll give to you.

[Asker]

Best answer yet...short, simple and to the point! Either accept it, cut it loose OR eventually become part of all their lives, which obviously she isn't ready for right now. A few months ago she was sending messages about me coming over when the kids might possibly be around or they might be in and out doing things on a Friday night. that hasn't happened in a while now. She has formally introduced me to both of her children, but none of us has really spent any time together.

[roxygirlskier]

I hate to say this, but I think she might be using you. I don't think it necessarily means that she doesn't like you a lot. She might not really know what she wants. You could always ask for a break. I think you should talk to her, see what she thinks. If she avoids an answer, she either doesn't know or doesn't want to say. Her child might be her sole concern, but if she's only nice to you when she wants something...that's not a great either. I'm sorry, that must be really hard.

[kong1989]

u ll suffer from being the choice he or my kids so if you wanna her endure this because it will be a real pain in the ass all the time , she is a mother and kids are in piriorty are you ready ?

other than that you won't be so close if she didn't accept that she like to have someone around and you are that one

[jevaunit1]

whats so mixed about those signals there buddy? she says you're friends but then f***s your brains out...sounds like she just wants to have fun..and sounds like you want some thing serious, if you're willing to hang in there a play her little games then go for it, bit I think you deserve a woman that will treat you right...I mean WTF your hight my ass..

[Anonymous]

SorI think you are an intelligent man and answered your own question. You say she respectes your friendship and that she only comes around when she wants you to do something for her. I think she is using you, and I think in the back of your mind you are aware of this too.

[Asker]

She never asks me to do things for her...I just offer. I'm just holding on to hope that she gives this an honest effort. I think if she didn't want anything to do with me, that she would make every effort to end it and that doesn't seem to be the case. I understand what you're saying though.

[raaaaanddii]

fom a child's point of view, my mom is 45 and has a boyfriend that's 41, and she doesn't erally talk to him during the week because I'm her daughter, I come first, and I'm not comfortable with her dating him. just saying, don't take it personal but maybe that's the reason. her kids are uncomfortable.

[Asker]

Of course you come first...all children should. You should have an open mind about your mother's boyfriend, unless he has done something to make you think otherwise.

[raaaaanddii]

Is your girlfriend newly divorced? because post divorce boyfriends are a definate turn off for teenagers.

[Asker]

No, she's been divorced 7 years.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to sit her down and get a direct answer from her. She seems just as confused about her feelings as you are.

[Asker]

Thanks! Yes, that would be the most reasonable thing to do, but I don't want to press the issue if this is just a phase she is going through. The last thing I want is to push her away.

[chiefnavarro]

dude it like whatever.