Trying to walk away from the friend zone?

[misterbill71]

I've fallen for a girl who calls me her "best friend". She knows it, and she's told me that she thinks we're better off as friends. I know that means that she is just not attracted to me. I can't continue being "just friends" anymore, because spending time with her just keeps me attracted to her and knowing that she'll never be my girlfriend hurts; especially when she brings a new guy to hang out with us every other weekend. I've already stopped initiating contact with this girl, and I am trying to avoid taking her calls. Part of me wants to just walk away and never look back, but another part of me doesn't want to hurt her because I really am her BEST (possibly only "real") friend and she's been hurt alot. I know that withdrawing my attention can have one of two outcomes... it will either destroy the friendship completely, or it will get her to start chasing me. Obviously I'd prefer for her to chase me, which is why I haven't cut off contact completely, but I'm trying to decide how far I should pull away before contacting her again or allowing her to contact me. I'm willing to sacrifice the friendship in the attempt to build attraction, I guess its all or nothing for me at this point. So I guess my question is this:

If I decide to do push-pull\rubber band theory with her, how should I go about it?

thanks.

[katies_asking]

Honestly, I just wouldn't do it. I've played games like that and also been on the receiving end and it usually ends badly for the person playing the games. When I was the one at the receiving end, having someone be so unreliable actually made me distance myself from them to avoid getting hurt so it backfired on the guy.

As much as it sucks, you really do have to listen to her. She's told you that you're better off being friends for a reason and that reason is she's trying to let you down gently. That's why she brings new guys to hang out with as well.

The best way forward in my opinion is to stop seeing her completely. You won't destroy the friendship if you just disappear off the radar. You can reply to emails and texts but briefly and not every single one. If she asks to see you then accept a few, but not all, invitations. In this way you'll get the distance from her that you need to assess if she really is the girl for you and if you really want to go down the road of unrequited interest/love (believe me, I've been there and done that), and it will give her the chance to possibly realize she misses you... or not. After all, if you're always with her then you're not giving her the chance to notice your absence and miss you.

And don't worry about her not having many friends. That's just your brain giving you excuses to not walk away. Friends are easy to make.

The most important thing you can do is look after #1 - you. The situation is making you unhappy so it needs to change and nothing ever changed by doing everything the same! Pay attention to her actions, not her words, and don't try to find hidden convoluted meanings behind why she does what she does...

[brightwing]

Look as a friend you should know your biased and are of no help to her as a friend because you will always be colored by your attraction. step back from her life go do other things with other people. is she likes you she will come calling.

[GoodManDave]

That's tough. This is my world. If I knew what worked, then I'd be more successful with girls/women.

Most of the time, they suddenly decide that it's time to sever ties with me. Usually, it's not a genuine enough friendship to where I feel as if I've lost a close friend. It's happened, but it's rare. This still hurts, and it's annoying that so many of these girls should act just so weird around me after that (what, I can't say hello to you or say "bless you" if you sneeze? Get over it!), but that's their decision... and it's not meant to be.

Many would say to surround yourself with gorgeous women, so you never develop too close a romantic interest in any one person. But I don't know... it's not for me. Seems like a band-aid to deal with it.

Some say work - bury yourself in work, and let yourself become distracted enough to "heal" by not thinking about it too much.

Me, I think that it's about working on yourself to be a better person. Whether it's through faith, through friends, through burying yourself in work... I think that it's about finding other things that will make you a better person AND give you time to heal without leading yourself into obsessing about it. And naturally, I think becoming a better person will make you more interesting to other women, just as a by-product, and if not, well, you'll feel better perhaps.

[thoughtprocess11]

You probably aren't go to like the answer I am going to give because it is hard but you have to walk away. There is nothing more painful than being around someone you are romantically interested in and getting nothing in return. Basically you are a male equivalent of one of their female best friends. Is that what you want? The truth is not many males are truly interested in being just straight up friends with a female unless they are married or just a casual acquaintance. You are emotionally invested in her and desire more. Every time she talks about another guy, etc it is going to keep you in pain. You should not have to separate your feelings. Plus how are you going to move on if you are around each other a lot like you are a couple when you are not? I know it hurts man, most of us have been there. What you have do for self preservation is walk away. One of two things is going to happen. One you move on with your life and for a while you are going to really miss her but it will get better over time or two, she may once she realizes you have backed away realize your value and just may move you out of the friend zone because she starts to realize how important you are. It is tough man, but what you need to do unless you want to stay miserable.

[christian2724]

I think you should continue what you're doing - not initiating contact and avoiding her. Then date other girls in the mean time. Because if she comes around, IF, you might be in for a long wait. Be a little selfish - put your happiness before her having a genuine friend in you. Way before. The only person looking out for you is... you. If this strategy ends up destroying your friendship so be it. If she chases you I think you should be inaccessible and reluctant. Or just completely gone from her life. If she comes back for you she has to go all in. Don't let her do anything else.

She is oblivious to what this situation is doing to you. You should cut her out of your life and I think this strategy is the first step in doing that. You'll find another girl who'll take her place while not pushing you away. Lets face it, her coming for you like in the movies is a long shot. You're not getting any younger. Go enjoy your life.

I have a HS buddy in the same situation as you. It's just a sad scenario. For you. She wants the best of both worlds. It's never occurred to her what it does to you.

[christian2724]

f***in' Shaun always says it shorter and better. I feel like such a chick with my long-winded bullsh*t

[Gregs]

A mistake I did was cutting contact with my girl friends, a better thing to do is to date other women right in front of her, hell when you go out with another girl as a friend it is WAY easier to open up girls, just starting hitting on girls constantly when you hang out with her and hone your skills

[Shaun]

I think you should tell her that 'just friends' won't do and if she ever changes her mind about you to give you a call.

Or just bail. I don't think you're going to hurt her, I don't think she has feelings.