How to create distance without hurting her feelings?

[Anonymous]

I've got strong feelings for my friend, but a relationship is out of the question. Being her friend isn't easy, especially when many of the things we do are way too date like. (Dinner 1 on 1 and such)

So how do I go about creating distance from her without hurting her feelings or making her feel like I'm kicking her out of my life? I don't want to destroy a good friendship, but I need enough space to let my feelings for her subside/dwindle.

Updates

+1 y

Decided to just have a talk with her. Told her my feelings, and asked how she felt. Basically just friends. I'm not hit all that hard by it, more grateful for getting rid of the uncertainty. I don't think things will be the same, but what can you do? Thanks for the response!

[skittledittle]

hey, to be honest, you can't do this without hurting her feelings. she obviously likes having you around (I don't think your answer to why y'all can't be together is simply 'it won't work out'. being busy isn't the end of a relationship. she's making enough time for you now. she may be waiting for you to say something to her, which is why nothing has happened). regardless, I'm not in the situation, so I guess you know better than me.

honesty is the best policy when dealing with this. I had a guy friend disappear on me. first he got too busy to hangout a lot and then all the time, calls stopped, texts msgs slowed, and eventually it was the occasional fb wall post. I found out through a mutual friend he really liked me and assumed nothing was going to happen between us. I didn't even know he felt that way, even with all the time we spent together. it hurt my feelings that he was blowing me off (which is what distancing looks like when you don't know why it's happening).

my first thought was 'I wish he just told me how he felt.' I know that sounds like the scariest thing in the world, but if a guy friend came up to me and said 'look, I'm sorry, but I think I need some space from us. I have to clear my head because my feelings for you are changing and I want us to be friends, but I can't right now' or something like that, I would've said OK, I understand. I'd want that friendship when he was good and ready. I know what it's like being friends with someone you like and it SUCKS, so I wouldn't be a bitch about it or make fun of your feelings. no good person would do that.

i hope you can be honest with her. you have to let her know it's her and the feelings you have for her. you can't be vague like 'oh, I'm just going through something so we can't hang' because the next thing you know, you're tagged in pics at the bar with your buddies and she's wondering why you're not too busy for them or what she did wrong, etc. again, not fun. I'm sorry things are this way for you tho. she must be an amazing girl and you sound like a cool guy, so work it out.

[Anonymous]

Usually when I have dates 1 on 1 with a guy friend whom likes me, I'd just talk on and on about another guy or two that I'm seeing. One time when I was with a guy whom I was cuddling with as well as being his friend, he started talking about another girl at work whom he was getting close to and wanted to date, I sort of encouraged him to talk about it because I knew it would help him to not become attracted to me. When I got engaged and married, he stopped coming to see me or ask me out and we barely talk anymore.

[skittledittle]

thanks and yeah, it's gonna be awkward, but talk to her every once in a while, keep in touch until you're over her and then keep the friendship going. if that doesn't work, just appreciate the time y'all shared and keep it moving. she's just another step toward the right person for you.

[Asker]

I decided I'm going to be taking a chance and moving down to florida (since I have family there). Nothing holding me back now. The friendship will be much easier to maintain long distance, since I strictly don't believe in long distance relationships, and as a result will almost definitely lose any romantic interest in her I have. I think things will work out okay, and I thank you fro suggesting being up front and honest. It was the correct approach.

[skittledittle]

i'm glad it worked and I hope you enjoy florida. you're brave for doing what you did and I hope you know that! :)

[Asker]

Funny thing happened. I decided to move that day I posted. The next morning I got a text from an old friend "want a job". Ended up landing a decent paying full time job I wouldn't have been able to get without that connect on the inside, and won't be moving now. I said I was moving, and fate said "I don't think so" and I've been working there almost 3 weeks now. Crazy, the timing of it. Not even 24 hours later and I got a job (had been searching for months to no avail)

[skittledittle]

AMESOME! talk about one door closes and another one opens. that's amazing, man! work your ass off and get a promo so you can vacation in florida anyway ha ha ;)

[misterbill71]

Wow. I'm in a very similar situation. I figured I had two options. 1 slowly drift away, or 2 end the friendship entirely. I tried slowly drifiting away, and it was still painful only I had the addition of feeling like a jerk knowing that she could tell something was wrong but didn't know what. In the end I decided to just tell her that being her friend when I wanted more was too hard and that I needed some time away from her to let my feelings go. she only replied "k." and then unfriended me from Facebook the next morning. so I guess the point is that there's no way to downgrade any kind of relationship without someone feeling hurt, but at least if you are honest with her you can maybe make it hurt less.

[slipslender]

why is it out of the question?

there's no way her feelings won't get hurt, tbh.

[Asker]

Because it wouldn't work out. Even though I love to be around her because of her personality, and she's beautiful, things wouldn't work out. Plus, she only sees me as a friend. She has known how I feel for months now, and if anything were to become of it, it would be obvious by now. I gave being just friends with her a shot, but it isn't working for me. She's way too busy to have a relationship.

I can't like slowly phase myself out of her life or something bit by bit?

[slipslender]

i see, I'm sorry :/

well, you could try phasing yourself out. pretend that you're getting busier with school or work... she's going to notice it, she might mention it to you, but it's your life- you can just play it off, be like 'i'm really sorry, I wish we could hang out more too...etc' missing calls/responding to texts late is also another way of phasing yourself out. hope this helps.

[Asker]

I appreciate it. Hopefully things don't fall completely apart. I don't want to lose the friendship entirely, I just can't change how I feel and need space to deal with that. Thanks.

[slipslender]

i totally understand...i don't think it'll fall apart completely, but that sense of intimacy will definitely reach a low point. and no problem.

[Anonymous]

what if your situation was vice verse. like she likes you more than friend, but you dont. so what would be your suggestion?!

i think you might apply the same thing too!