Once a girl says “I really enjoy spending time with you but I think more as friends”, he can’t flirt with her even if they go to a candlelit concert?

[Anonymous]

True - it’s absolutely inappropriate for him to flirt with her once she says that to him even if they go to a candlelit concert together after

False - he can still test the waters gently within reason if she’s saying yes to going to a candlelit concert as long as he stops as soon as she seems uncomfortable

[kylee2437]

You have been friend zoned by her and you will be breaking boundaries uncomfortably if you make moves that she has just announced she is uncomfortable with. If your intentions were that this was a date, maybe you should cancel it if a friendship isn’t that important to you. Cancelling the plans would be setting your boundaries

[Asker]

Or ask her if she wants it to be a date? Since that was 6 months ago. I did cancel a date with her that time. I said I’m not interested in being friends with her. But then we met up since and she said yes to a candlelit concert.

[kylee2437]

Should’ve asked her what the intentions were before assigning this date because just because they was 6 months ago doesn’t mean she hasn’t changed her mind and she said yes to the concert because you are a friend to her.

[kylee2437]

That was *

[Asker]

I can still ask her if she wants to call it a date and give it another go right?

[kylee2437]

At this point play it cool 🤷🏻‍♀️ not every hang out needs to be romanticized. Feel out her body language

[Asker]

I’m not interested in friendship.

[kylee2437]

Yes but you also can’t force someone to be romantic with you that may not want to. That’s unfair to her that you tried to lure her into something without expressing your intentions and then putting her in a discomfortable situation if she is only looking to be friends. You are being creepy , I’m sorry

[Asker]

Why is it creepy?

[Asker]

I made it clear to her it would be difficult for me to be friends with her.

[kylee2437]

Because that discussion was 6 months ago and you didn’t properly explain your present intentions but instead invited her to something without letting her know that your present self has high expectations for what the night is going to consist of. That’s unfair to her

[Asker]

So that’s not the same thing as creepy.

[kylee2437]

Yes it is creepy. You have intent to put her in an uncomfortable situation because you can’t accept her boundaries. That’s unfair

[Asker]

Also by messaging her and asking her beforehand if she wants it to be a date, I am making my intention clear. And if she says no, I’ll even pay her back for it.

[Asker]

No. I don’t intend to put her in an uncomfortable situation. This is all uncomfortable for me too. I made it clear I like her.

[Asker]

By telling her

[kylee2437]

Go ahead and do that. That’s way better than making her feel uncomfortable

[Asker]

I do accept her boundaries. But I don’t have to be friends with her either.

[kylee2437]

Yes but you also invited her somewhere without discussing your intentions and I’m sorry that’s creepy. I just had a guy do that to me and all of his friends called him an Asshole for how he treated me. Don’t be an asshole and be direct.

[Asker]

I think that’s unfair. making your intention clear isn’t always easy.

[kylee2437]

It isn’t always easy because you are afraid of rejection, which is a sign that if you think she’s going to reject you that’s even more of a reason not to put her in a situation where she might just feel uncomfortable. It’s selfish , creepy and unfair

[Asker]

I think that’s an unfair judgement. It’s not easy regardless. I think it’s really unfair and horrible to refer to someone as selfish and creepy when you don’t even know the full circumstances.

[Asker]

Or the people involved.

[kylee2437]

I’m calling you creepy based off an experience I had with a guy that didn’t express his feelings and then proceeded to put me in an uncomfortable situation because he thought acting passive and indirect would benefit him more. So maybe listen to what I am saying so this girl doesn’t end up feeling how I felt. It’s literally that simple. You are upset that I’m keeping it 100% based on what info you gave. You are taking it personally because your intentions were to be weird from the start

[Asker]

Anyway no point arguing since we’ll never agree. I guess the best thing to do would be to send a message saying “Btw would you like to call it a date and how it goes? Obviously completely up to you but I think we get on really well and I still like you as more than a friend.” At least then I’m making my intention and feelings clear and hopefully there’ll be no confusion.

[Asker]

My intention was not to be weird. I’m sorry you had that experience but guys have feelings too and maybe there’s more to it on the guys side too. Clearly we won’t agree so I don’t wish to argue this any further.

[kylee2437]

We will never agree but you took my advice on the fact that you should ask - so yes your intentions were to be weird until you got called out on it. You know I am correct you just aren’t happy with the perspective I put it into, which I am full on telling you the perspective I put it in is how I felt and how others around me felt when I called him out because I felt unsafe.

[Asker]

We will have to agree to disagree.

[Asker]

I think you are incorrect.

[kylee2437]

Yes you may have feelings but you aren’t expressing them out of fear which whether you see it or not can come off creepy. You don’t like it because that’s not your intent but you aren’t the woman having to endure uncomfortable contact because of a man’s passive and indirect behavior

[kylee2437]

Yes you think I am incorrect because I am pointing out how a woman perceives men that aren’t direct

[Asker]

And you’re not the guy so you also can’t see it from the guys perspective.

[kylee2437]

I am not viewing it from a man’s perspective, I am viewing it from the woman that has to endure a man’s indirect behavior which can be creepy if he has high expectations for something I don’t.

[Asker]

The woman’s perception of what the man is thinking isn’t always correct.

[kylee2437]

It doesn’t have to be correct. Bottom line is you may be putting her in an uncomfortable position that night because you aren’t confident with your point of view, it’s lame.

[Asker]

Yes I get that and I am seeing it from the man’s perspective. It is uncomfortable for him also regardless of the chances of him getting rejected or not which could have simply been shaped by a lifetime of rejection which isn’t necessarily linked to his personality. So we are yet again where we started with no point of agreement.

[kylee2437]

Actually it is shaped to his personality because it shows a bunch of huge red flags when a guy has expectations that he isn’t expressing but then proceeds to insist she gets romantic because he says to.

[Asker]

I wasn’t intending on insisting. If she says no or looks uncomfortable i Would stop

[Asker]

But there are many guys who get nowhere with dating because they’re not physically attractive enough.

[kylee2437]

But you being systematically unattractive doesn’t give you a right to be none the less, indirect and sneaky. Let’s put it this way, when that guy ended up putting me in an uncomfortable situation, I ended up leaving with another guy that made me feel comfortable and safe.

[Asker]

It doesn’t but the unattractive guy can do that or accept a lifetime of being single.

[Asker]

There are also plenty of women who obsess over a man they’re attracted to without making their intentions clear.

[kylee2437]

Or he can do what you were planning to do and burn bridges with women and gain the rumor of being a creep all because you didn’t want to be direct before taking a woman on a date where she may not think it’s a date

[Asker]

What difference does it make if he rarely get dates in the first place?

[Asker]

Would you prefer a guy who never made moves but every so often said to you that he likes you as more than a friend and that option is always on the table should you wish to take it?

[kylee2437]

@asker yes I would rather that because at least he respects my opinion and is giving me a chance to confirm my interest in him vs him inviting me somewhere and trying to put moves on me when my initial stance was to friend zone him.

[Asker]

I spoke to another woman on this and she said calling it a date might put pressure on it. And that it’s better just to do what I originally intended. Just go and see how it goes. Maybe try and gently flirt and test the waters by placing a hand on top of her hand and stop if she looks uncomfortable.

[kylee2437]

Well I tried to tell you to feel the vibes of her and go from there and you literally said “I don’t accept a friendship” so what happens if she rejects your gestures? This is what I’m talking about.

[Asker]

If she rejects it then I stop. I am against sexual harassment.

[kylee2437]

And then you are just there as friends if she rejects, right?

[Asker]

Well yes. But what I mean is I probably wouldn’t continue to see her afterwards if she makes it clear to me that friendship is all it will ever be and that’s never going to change.

[kylee2437]

Well that’s good, but again it’s going to be a little odd to sit through that entire concert if say she does friendzone again, this is why next time be direct ahead of time so you don’t get left on a weird date. That’s it, that’s my story. Enjoy your day, good luck

[Asker]

I don’t think it will be that weird. She’s great company and it’s a good concert.

[Cheeky2022]

Im guessing you have probably hung out a fair bit at this point and then tried it on. Hence why she gave you that response.

Its a tough one. If you fancy her as more than a friend and you dont really want to be just friends it will just be awkward. What if you go to the gig and she starts making out with some random dude? How would you feel? lol

If she gets caught up in the moment and opens up by showing you interest as more of a friend then maybe something might happen.

Could just go with no expectations but if its going to feel weird then just cancel it.

[Asker]

I never tried it on. I just met her on a dating app and asked her on a date and she said yes. But I never tried anything. Just treated her like a friend.

[Cheeky2022]

Oh it was a first date. Yes. She's not interested as anything more. Don't waste your time.

[Avicenna]

He needs to treat her as a friend then unless she starts giving some clear signals that she wants something romantic.

[KrakenAttackin]

He's wasting his time (and money), to flirt with her. Move on.

[SiberFox]

"Your dog died, but you can keep it"

[Asker]

I’m confused.

[SiberFox]

The dog is the interest in a relationship

[strateguy632]

true