What is the difference between flirting with someone and "hitting on" that person?

[elaphe]

[SueShe]

The definition of flirting is:

"a sexual behavior involving spoken or written communication, as well as body language, by one person to another, to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person".

Flirting is simply the initial step towards hitting on a person. That is, attempting to entice that person to fornicate or copulate, or in other terms, to get into her pants.

Both of those definitions pursue the same aim. To get intimate with the target person or victim. It is simply a different way to phrase those terms since the end result is exactly the same.

[elaphe]

What about innocent flirtation?

[SueShe]

Flirting is never innocent. If you let it continue, it will invariably lead to fornication. Guaranteed.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

I disagree. I understand if you say “fornication” you are coming at it from a religious point of view, and NOTHING anyone says, does or demonstrates will EVER change your mind. But I’ve flirted with plenty of guys whom I not only didn’t have sex with, but that I had NO intention of having sex with them. I’ve had guys flirt with me at the grocery store, it boosted my ego, and the first thing I did was tell my boyfriend when I got home that “OMG, a guy was totally flirting with me at the grocery store! He has told me the same thing when a girl has flirted with him. There’s a huge difference between innocent flirtation, where you immediately tell your partner, and flirtation which leads to you NOT telling your partner “a cute guy flirted with me today”, but instead leads you to having sex with that guy, and cheating on your significant other! If you cannot see that difference… Nothing anyone ever tells you will change your mind. But bless you, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Laura. 🤗 🥰

[SueShe]

@Cute_Miss_Laura Thank you Miss Laura for your point of view. I have been the victim of "innocent flirting " often enough to know that if I would have played the perpetrator's game, he would simply have continued the flirt until the copulation would take place.

In every single flirt, if the incentive is high enough, if the response is seen as positive, it will invariably lead to whatever you may want to call this act.

There is no difference between flirting, whether light or not and cheating. If you let it go beyond what is acceptable, it will lead to something despicable. If the incentive is there, then a cheater will cheat again and that is a guarantee.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Okay… In YOUR opinion! Like I said, once I know that someone is coming from a “church” position, trying to change their mind, regardless of facts, is futile. As for my attitude on cheating… Maybe you should read my MHO opinion here: Does it bother if you get to know that your partner or wife cheated on his/her ex? ↗
I most certainly DO NOT tolerate cheating, EVER, not even if it was with an EX.

As for you referring to men who just flirt with a woman as “PERPETRATORS”! Ma’am, I was RAPED by my father’s brother, just 3 days after my 13th birthday, I know EXACTLY what a perpetrator is, and THAT is a perpetrator! Not some guy who just innocently looks at me, smiles a little and says something sweet like “Cute Socks!” when I went to the store in fluffy socks, but accidentally one was pink, and the other white. To label a man like THAT as "the perpetrator" is insulting to all men, especially the 98% who truly are REALLY good men, and you are one of the reasons why girls in my generation have such a hard time getting decent guys to ask us out, because women like you have labeled any guy who so much as smiles at us, or says hello, as sex offenders! WTF would they ask us on a date, if just saying “Cute Socks" is a crime?

You know the crazy thing… I actually know you! I've met you in person, and spoken to you on the phone. You're the one who came up to me and called me a "Hussey", a "goddamn little slut, that's what you are!", and a “home wrecker” in church on the Sunday after my uncle (who just happened to be the church's biggest donor ever) was arrested for raping me!

In fact, you're the one who convinced me to never step foot in a Christian church again, and remain Jewish! You're the woman who calls the Rape Crisis Hotline where I work, and yells "have you thought about telling these little sluts to stop dressing like whores, so maybe they wouldn't. GET raped?” Yeah I recognize the type the second you called men perpetrators, just for talking to us!

GFY

[SueShe]

@Cute_Miss_Laura So much hatred, why? because I voiced my opinion on a topic I know may have caused you some awful memories?

If you need to know, I am the one person that took the initiative to leave church because I do not agree with a number of things that happen there. I do not recall when it was the last time I went to church. I am a firm believer that if you want to talk to God, you do not need to go to church and you can do it anywhere else.

But I try to understand your point of view and I do apologize if my comments have hurt your feelings and/or beliefs.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Actually Sue, there is not a DROP of hatred within me… Believe me I have more than enough legitimate reasons to have easily fallen down that pit of despair know as anger and hatred! I think fatigue would be a far better adjective. I’m just SO tired of MGTOW & INCEL men, AS-WELL-AS Militant feminist, and militant Christian women, on the fringes of the right AND left, lobbing insult grenades at each other, or ANYONE who does not agree with them 100% of the time on 100% of the issues.

C’mon Sue, you can't possibly believe that flirting is a crime? What crime does a man perpetrate when he smiles at a woman with no ring on her finger, and says "cute socks”? Was it the look he gave me? Because let me say that man was gorgeous, and he looked at me in a way that one would not get accused of lying if one described it as coyly. Was the coy look a crime, was it the smile that was criminal, or was it the “Cute Socks”?

Language matters Sue, words matter, and calling someone a perpetrator is a really dangerous thing to do to a young man! The word perpetrator means: a person who carries out a harmful, illegal, or immoral acts Please let me know what harmful, illegal, or immoral act a guy perpetrates, when he smiles, winks and says “cute socks”! Because when men read articles and op-ed’s from female grad students referring to them as perpetrators for flirting! What effect do you think that has on men? it destroys their spirit. They WERE looking for a long term commitment, that would hopefully end-up leading to marriage, but now thanks to people who think similarly to you, he either has to resort to "hook-up” culture, or sitting home and watching porn. Great job, the lot of you!

Thank you for at least apologizing for minimizing what happened to me at 13, when I was raped by a man who held me in his arms on the day I was born, by comparing the perpetrator of my rape, to a single guy who flirted with me at a grocery store.

[SueShe]

@Cute_Miss_Laura I honestly do feel for you for having had to go through that ordeal. I cannot begin to understand what it must have been. My heart bleeds for anyone that was subjected to that.

My position about flirting is the one I have because I have been the victim of those attempts more times than I care to know. Every single time, those guys (and that is why I call them perpetrators) wanted something from me that I was not willing to give.

Flirting may come as innocent in the beginning but as I said, if you let it go far enough, it may end into something that is unwanted because you respond to the initial contact and more often than not, it is totally misunderstood.

That is the reason why I will never let anyone flirt with me because I don't want to give the wrong signs.

Have you noticed that when men start flirting with you they make compliments on your looks, your appearance, your hair and any possible part of your body?

I have yet to find a single man that will give you a compliment on your achievement by saying something like "Hey Laura, what you did today at work was excellent. I would not have been able to achieve the same" or "wow, you knowledge of that topic is beyond my comprehension".

It was certainly not my intention to upset you because I am aware that you look at flirting a different way as I do. You be safe and have a great day.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Part 1 of 3
Regarding your important (I mean that) comment: “I have yet to find a single man that will give you a compliment on your achievement by saying something like "Hey Laura, what you did today at work was excellent. I would not have been able to achieve the same" or "wow, you knowledge of that topic is beyond my comprehension”.
These may not be AS flowery as the (unlikely) example you gave, but… I guess we just give a different kind of answer.
2 d
You are a nice person
——————————————————
4d
That's really helpful, thanks for sharing!
_______________________________

10 d
@Cute_Miss_Laura how someone could even think about their needs like that in that situation is crazy.
You definitely did the right thing, compassion and support are really important.
____________________________________
Sat, May 11 04:28 AM
Wow, this is so noble! I wish you success!!!
(After I explained that I graduated high school in 2yrs and graduated college in 2yrs 3 mos, and that I plan on using my (VERY large) trust fund to open a low cost / no cost mental health clinic for girls ages between 11 and 17, who were raped or sexually abused by either a family member or another trusted adult)
____________________________________
Sat, May 11 04:28 AM
You are doing a great job!!!
(After I described that I work in a rape crisis center, and I run a group therapy meeting on Saturdays for girls aged 12 to 17)
_____________________________________
Continues...

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Part 2 of 3
I have also received compliments in person, usually after a class, about my intellect, or that he was amazed with my gasp on the subject matter, because he was completely lost!
On dates, (where one expects compliments on one’s appearance) I cannot even count the amount of compliments on my intellect, usually when they discover that I graduated high school and earned my bachelors degree in about the same period of time my high school classmates were graduating from high school. and that by the time my friends arrived on campus, I was beginning my masters degree. We must simply date a different calibre of men. Yes, I've dated my share of metaphorical toads, but I’ve only been intimate with three men, ALL of them were long tern relationships. one ended because I was moving away to go to college, and I didn't want a LDR. The second was almost 3 years long, and it just “faded out”. it was neither person’s fault, we just grew-up and apart. This guy now… He’s the most incredible man I’ve ever met. He’s truly brilliant, he’s gorgeous, and he has the greatest sense of humor of anyone I've ever met. He has made me laugh every day since we met, and he’s never once told me a “joke” he just finds the humor in the situation, and says one or two words, maybe five, and I’m suddenly laughing where I was worrying, or panicking, or crying! He’s my puzzle piece, he really does complete me!

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Part 3 of 3
Regarding your comment: "Flirting may come as innocent in the beginning but as I said, if you let it go far enough, it may end into something that is unwanted because you respond to the initial contact and more often than not, it is totally misunderstood.”
What do you think flirting is? Flirting is a look, a smile, it’s me brushing my hair over my ear, when he looks at me. I really think you're confusing the. “flirting” with the getting hit on” THAT is where a guy walks up and says “I felt the strangest compulsion to come over here and tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes, and the kindest smile I’ve ever seen, if you are even 10% as intelligent as you are beautiful, it would be my worst mistake to not ask you out and get to know you.” THAT is hitting on, not flirting, Sue.
Yes OBVIOUSLY I get the guys who DM me, or say to me in person “OMG, you’re so beautiful!” or “you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”, or just “you're so beautiful” To which I just write, or say in person "thanks, I will be sure to let my parents know… After all, they're the ones responsible for how I look I mean it is their DNA that was responsible for me looking like this! Now, graduating high school in two years… That was all me, graduating college with my bachelors in psychology at 18… Yep, that was me too, completely overcoming the worst trauma a female child can endure, and continue to excel academically… Guilty is charged! But my looks? Unless you're talking about the way I did my make up today. That's not a compliment. I didn't have anything to do with it. (usually by then they leave me alone.).

Thank you for your last words. If you did not mean to upset me, then I absolutely forgive and forget… It is as if it never happened. I to sincerely hope that nothing I wrote was taken personally, or upset you. I can be very defensive of men, I feel they've been mistreated for so long, many have lost hope! So I’m so sorry if I upset you. I truly did not mean too.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

4 0f 3

Most Sincerely, Laura 🤗 🥰

(I seriously had to remove the “sincerely” in order to make it small enough to send ¯\_(ッ)_/¯ )

[SueShe]

@Cute_Miss_Laura You know, I sincerely (and I mean it) appreciate that you take so much time to send your point across. I cannot read everything now because my class starts in a minute but I will read it, guaranteed.

I know you are a good person and I know to appreciate sincerity.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Thank you so much, that does mean a lot to me. I do have one correction, I wrote that I had my bachelors degree in psychology at 18, in fact I had my bachelors degree in Nursing at 18. I’m working on my masters in psychology now, so I guess I have psych on the brain LOL (little "inside psychology” joke).
But I am looking forward to you getting the opportunity to read it all. (I too need to get ready for school. Luckily I’m in by final externship, so I don’t have to be there until 9:am… AND we have assigned parking, so no driving around for 30 minutes looking for a parking space! Good luck in school, Sue.

Laura. 🤗 🥰

[SueShe]

@Cute_Miss_Laura I must confess that I am a little ashamed for having thought you are yet one more of those persons that like to pick at others simply because their opinions are different but I have been taught a lesson of humility. Thanks for that.

You are the kind of person I do look up to. There are not many but you have what it takes. I wish you Godspeed but I will come back to you later in the afternoon.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Wow, thanks, I have not received a genuine apology on this platform in... well I don’t even know how long. Also please allow ME to apologize for thinking the exact same thing of you. I’m also humbled because we BOTH falsely assumed the EXACT same thing about each other! I falsely assumed something untrue of you, and you falsely assumed something untrue about me. I suggest we forgive each other, love each other as the sisters we are, and that I learn to be more patient If I would have just asked you “could you describe the type of flirting you object to” None of this would have happened. So I will gladly take the Mia Culpa on this one. I was too defensive and I should have use my head more than my words. I’m really sorry for that.

Sue, maybe 10-20% of my answers contain the phrase “Hey we just have different opinions on this. That’s fine! The world has more than enough room for more than one opinion, without one of them needing to be wrong. I should have written that to you, That’s on me! I’m the one about to become a licensed therapist, I have studied deescalation, finding common ground, and finding compromise, but I failed. Well, until the end anyway. I should have worked harder to find common ground sooner, and I truly thank you for helping me to learn that much needed lesson. Thank you for your beautiful words, they mean the world to me! I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Additionally, I’m really sorry for the negative experiences you have had to endure. I of all people know how terrifying it can feel when a man does not take “NO" for an answer, immediately! I hope SOMETHING I have written, or have yet to write could be of help to you in the future. I truly am interested in understanding what happened to you during the occasions where you say that a man’s flirting went too far! But this is NOT the forum for something so personal. Please feel free to message me, if you feel called to do so.

Yours, most sincerely, Laura 🤗 🥰

[SueShe]

@Cute_Miss_Laura Laura, I have read your answers over and over again and you are by far, the person that takes the most time to answer and give your opinions on something that your believe in and try to bring your message across. I don' see it as an attempt to overrule other people's opinions and to impose yours as many people here do.

I honestly wish more users would also take the time to come up with arguments that can withstand a trial rather than simply to block a person simply because they felt that only their own opinions are the correct ones.

I lost count of those users here on GaG have blocked me because I dared voice my contradictory opinion, perhaps not always in a diplomatic way but always because I felt that the asker had a one-sided opinion where I felt I needed to voice my disagreement.

You are a fine girl Laura, not because I want to be buddy-buddy with you but because you come up with arguments that make sense and that have the potential to make someone think "hey, I did not analyze that side of the story, could I be wrong in my thinking?".

I can recognize when I was mistaken even though it is difficult to admit it and even more difficult to express on a site like this one where a number of people are very judgmental. The fact that I post every single of my opinions using my name makes it easier on others to judge you.

However, I am the kind of person that will not hide behind anonymity to voice an opinion because, either you stand behind your opinions and have the courage to express them or then you take the cowardly way and "fire and forget".

Thanks Laura for showing me that I still have room to improve.

Take good care of yourself and be safe.

Sue

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Thank you so much Sue. My only goals here are to 1). Help those who went through what I did as a kid, and to 2). Voice my opinions in a way that allows other’s who have opposing points of view, to at least understand that other’s have different views, and that doesn't necessarily make either opinion wrong. Or... in rare cases, that I keep verbalizing my opinion, utilizing facts and evidence to try to convince the other person that they may not FULLY understand my argument, or that documented facts and scientific journals disagree with their opinion.

Sometimes it's a combination of the above. But NEVER do I approach any debate from a place of anger, upset, or negative emotion. I sincerely appreciate you taking your own valuable time (believe me, I know exactly how little free time a college student really has, and how valuable those rare moments are where you can sit back, and catch-up on your favorite Netflix show, or maybe even go to a party with friends.) So it means that much more to me that you did take your own valuable time to find out what kind of person I am. That I’m not just here to lob attacks and disappear type of woman.

Please feel free to message me if you EVER feel ready to discuss the negative experience you’ve had with men in the past. As a rape and abuse survivor, I know all too well the fear of being pressured into doing something you don’t want to do, but feeling like it was still somehow (at least partly) your fault. I truly hope you do reach out to me.

Love and best wishes, Laura 🤗 🥰

[DishLady]

Flirting can be almost anything -- a little smile, a jot of attention, a touch of the arm, a little giggle -- with the purpose of denoting interest.

Hitting on someone is more direct and has a full-on sexual intention tied to it.

[Finchie40]

Not much of a difference what so ever , they are both implying interest into someone , Flirting is kind of hinting to some one , that you like them and you are interested in them hoping the feel the same about you. Hitting on someone , pretty much means you are straight to the point of letting that person know you want them , without hinting to them. You are clear about what you want with them

[Pohjolan]

Flirting has plausible deniability, hitting on does not.

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

Flirting is mostly non-verbal, a subtle look, body language, and coyly smiling. Hitting-on is 100% verbal. A guy. standing 25ft from me can act in a flirtatious way towards me. When he walks over to me, and says something like “I noticed you from the bar, and I have to say, if you are even 10% as interesting and intelligent as you are beautiful, I have to get to know you! Would you like to maybe go get some coffee sometime with me? NOW he’s hitting on me!

I hope this helps, Laura 🥰 🤗

[mandyfire98]

Flirting can just be playful banter really. Hitting on is usually more upfront and not subtle

[red324]

You're cute, let's trade numbers! (Thats hitting on) 😂

[red324]

Those sparkly eyes could light up a room (flirting)... I think 🤔 😂

[mandyfire98]

Pretty close

[Trutention]

I have a crush on my best friend’s brother since high school. Now I am married, but very time he flirts with me, I am all bubbly inside.

[thegreenyogi]

Flirting is just being clever with words. Hitting on someone is pushing your way into their private space.

[itsclearlynicholas]

Some men don't know to keep it in their pants 👖 - no to grinding - silly men out there ♂️ 😲

[TommyMountainFigure]

Flirting is teasing and joking around just for a laugh. Hitting on is after after something sexual.

[AngryCarl]

It may have changed since I last flirted but I regard flirting as not having any specific intention, whereas hitting on someone has the specific aim of having sex in the not-too-distant future.

[Anonymous]

flirting is delicate and subtle; hitting on means he wants to be hitting on your naked bottom in bed later that night

[laly520]

flirting is about subtle cues of interest meanwhile hitting on someone is more direct

[hellothere90]

Both mean the same to me. It means showing romantic interest in someone.

[Madlc]

Flirting happens from both sides while hitting on someone is one sided.

[Dongie]

Flirting is at a respectable distance, a foot or so, while the other makes a pass, contact of some kind.

[NathanDavis]

the tone...

[Ms_Facesitter]

It's all the same to me.

[Booklover_90]

I don’t see any difference.

[Floda]

are you restarted?

[DannyUk2017]

The body "language"