How do I deal with a flirty coworker when I’m married and not interested?

[Anonymous]

I am currently married but I am not happy in my marriage I’ve tried making it work with my husband but he don’t want change and I’m kinda staying for the kids at this point anyways there is this guy who keeps approaching me and comic his way to me all the time and I’ve been telling him to go away and hinting I’m not interested he continues to do it you don’t want to be too mean at work either you know so what am I supposed to do at this situation?

[HollyK21]

Are you sure you don’t secretly enjoy the attention/validation you get from this man coming over and flirting with you all the time? I mainly ask because that’s usually the case for people in unhappy marriages, they’ve got someone at work or some other place making them feel attractive, seen, and they may also find that person mutually attractive so they allow this dynamic to form when it really shouldn’t. Whether that is the case for you or not, you should really tell this guy you’re not interested. Playfully telling him to go away is not going to do it, he will just think you’re playing hard to get. This isn’t about hurting feelings or being mean, it’s about respecting your husband and your marriage. Staying for the kids is not a good excuse because your kids are happy when you’re happy and that’s it. If you can coparent healthily then there would be no disruptIon to their lives aside from adjusting to a new-normal. No, single motherhood isn’t the most ideal but shit happens.

[Asker]

So if I ain’t happy but staying for kids and like you said truth im not getting attention at home but yet I do at work I still need to make it known he needs to go away and I got a husband? Im really not happy it’s for the kids

[HollyK21]

You may think you’re doing right by your kids by staying in an unhappy marriage, but in reality you’re only teaching them unhealthy tendencies. By leaving, you would teach them that it is OK to walk away from a toxic situation to protect their own peace and happiness. By staying, they’re only going to absorb your stress and the coldness of your marriage even if you think you do a good job at hiding it. Remember, they learn what love should be and what it should look like by watching you and your husband.

Also yes, you should definitely tell that man you are not interested. I get that you aren’t happy in your relationship but you can’t have it both ways, aka getting attention from one man while being married to another.

[Asker]

But I am not happy and my husband doesn’t give me attention

[Asker]

And I told this guy to go away

[Asker]

Maybe he wants to be a good friend to me

[HollyK21]

You can tell anyone to go away. Why won’t you specifically tell this man, straight up, that you are not interested? Is it because you actually are?

[Asker]

No no I promise I told him many times to go leave he still comes back and finds ways to approach me we work together I don’t want to be his enemy either you know how awkward I’ll be at work

[HollyK21]

Sorry, maybe I wasn’t very clear. I said:

Why can’t you tell this man, verbatim, that you are not interested?

Why do you not say “sorry, I’m married and I am not interested”

Please answer that specifically.

I’m not asking about you telling him to go away.

Again, I am not asking about you telling him to go away.

[Asker]

Well am I technically married when we don’t even live like married couple no more

[Asker]

He know I’m married have 2 kids

[HollyK21]

Gotcha. Can you answer my main question? Please and thanks.

[Asker]

I’ve nicely told him to
Go away isn’t that a good sign im
Not interested

[HollyK21]

I would say that unless you tell him verbatim that you’re not interested then he is not going to take a “hint”. We cannot expect people to “just know”.

When you tell him to go away, I’m willing to bet that you do it with a smile and try to make light of it with a little laugh or something playful. I know this because he feels comfortable enough to keep coming back over, he doesn’t take you serious. And you aren’t being as serious as you could be because you enjoy his attention too much and that’s a problem. This is emotional cheating. Yes, cheating.

[Asker]

But we aren’t really living like a couple just in the same house I don’t even remember last time we had sex maybe like 3 months ago

[HollyK21]

Does your husband know you’re feeling this way? Do you talk to him about how you feel at all?

[Asker]

He says nothing wrong with him

[HollyK21]

Oh wow. Do you think he’d be receptive to marriage counseling?

[Asker]

He against it

[HollyK21]

I guess nothing else to be done other than to leave him then. If you’re refusing to leave, that’s fine but it is CHOICE, not an obligation. So if you choose to stay, it doesn’t matter if you’re unhappy, you do not get to cheat. Your best option would be asking him for an open marriage.

[Asker]

Open marriage no ty

[HollyK21]

So no open marriage but you’re already doing things that someone in an open marriage would do, like flirting with other men. That’s very ironic.

[Asker]

My husband isn’t all faithful either

[Asker]

He flirting with me I don’t flirt with him!

[HollyK21]

I feel like you’re in denial or something. If your husband isn’t faithful, and neither are you, then it’s already an open marriage whether you want to call it that or not. Yes, emotional cheating is a thing and that is what you’re doing by repeatedly allowing this man to come flirt with you. You are literally refusing to set a boundary with him by saying “I’m not interested”, simply because you’re enjoying the attention. It’s all wrong.

[Asker]

Noooooo I don’t want to cause him to start giving me a hard time at work he keeps saying you hate me? And what hurts if he nice with being little flirty to it

[HollyK21]

Legally he cannot give you a hard time in the workplace simply because you won’t flirt anymore. Do you have any other excuses?

[Asker]

I mean legally yea but I don’t want work issues so imma just go with the flow unfortunately

[Nikki1989]

Avoid one-on-one situations whenever possible.

[Asker]

Yea and I have a close friend who I talk a lot too and asked him why he don’t come up to both of us only when I’m alone

[Anonymous]

Tell him straight out again you’re not interested. If it continue you will have to go to a higher level to resolve this issue. More than likely you don’t want to get him in trouble, but something like that most likely will stop these advances. If I’m being honest I don’t even see what the point of mentioning you’re not happy in your marriage when you’re asking how to get this other man to stop. Something says otherwise that you do like the attention. Otherwise there’d be no reason to mention the status of how you feel about your marriage. You just ask how can I get this man to stop flirting w me, I’m married.

[Asker]

Bc I am not really

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. Even if you aren’t that has nothing to do w your question. Your question should have just said How do I get a man at work to stop flirting w me as I am married. So even if you may not like him physically speaking you still like the attention.

[Asker]

I mean 1-10 I’d give a 5

[Opinion Owner]

Doesn’t matter you have issues. Again there was no need to mention you were not happy in your marriage. That has nothing to do w not w saying this man’s attention. So yes this tells me you like the attention. May not be attention from a man you like physically, but it’s attention. Attention you don’t get at home.

[jahaims]

You encourage it because you want the validation

[Asker]

What validation?

[melnc]

Be honest, you felt something, even if you don't want to admit it. He wouldn't have made a move if he wasn't picking up on something from you. So ask yourself.. if you weren't married, would you really be shutting this down? Or would you be entertaining it? Stop playing naive and get real about why you're even asking this question.

[Asker]

Noo he flirts with many other than my friend

[melnc]

Be real, that one got to you.

[Asker]

You saying he got hooked on the hook

[melnc]

I'm just saying you're into the flirt game.

[Alex-Snow]

You will still have kids that love you even if you end the marriage. Life is short, why stay in an unhappy marriage? As for the guy at work look him in the eyes in front of others and tell him "I'm not interested in you or a relationship with you and you are making work uncomfortable for me" If yo have HR or a boss tell them also. How is your sex life with the hubby,,,,, has it gone downhill also?

[Asker]

No sex life hardly

[Alex-Snow]

Bummer on the absent sex life. Hopefully you take time for some self pleasure?

[DryGermanGuy]

User your best Borat imitating voice and yell "You will never get this, you will never get this!"

[Asker]

Hahah I’m not happy tho in marriage and it’s hard what should I do than realistically

[DryGermanGuy]

Concentrate on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Keep mentioning you husband. If that doesn't work, tell him he is making you uncomfortable. Threaten to tell HR if it continues. If it does, follow through.

[Asker]

Yea husband but I haven’t been intimate with my husband since like good 4 months

[Opinion Owner]

I see your problems with your husband separate from this work place drama. That is assuming your coworker isn't privy to your marriage problems. He shouldn't be.

[bowenw]

Politely tell him to leave you alone. If he doesn't respect your wishes, report him to the boss.

[Asker]

I don’t want to be a snitch

[bowenw]

Start by telling him to leave you alone, then threaten to report him to HR if he doesn't stop.

[Anonymous]

Normally i just ridicule her. She typically thinks i'm flirting, but i'm not. She's just too dumb to get it. And it feeds her ego.

[Asker]

What you trying to say?

[Opinion Owner]

No guy worth his salt flirts with a married woman. If he's fine breaking up a marriage (even if that marriage is already on the rocks), he'd be fine with leaving you for someone else at the drop of a hat.
I'm not suggesting anything. I'm simply hitting you with some well known facts. I understand you're at work. I understand you don't want to stir 💩 up. But a person shouldn't have to endure unwanted advances either. Just know some guys flirt with women in general. And in a state where you might be craving some attention you might be giving more weight to the things he's saying then it's worth. That DOESN'T diminish you value in any way.
Do what you will with this information.

[Asker]

Ahmmm

[MasterKS]

Did he know your marriage situation, just be open and tell him if you are not interested.

[Asker]

Well everyone know my marriage isn’t going well either

[MasterKS]

@asker so he is fishing.

[Asker]

Wym fishing

[MasterKS]

@asker you odnt know fishing? how old you are?

[wkhan_87]

Tell him directly and strictly

[Asker]

Have done he tells me what you don’t like me? You hate me etc

[queenofcardio]

Be direct and tell them

[Asker]

That’s when they start being mean to you and give you hard time at work

[Friendlybro79]

Human resources.