How do I deal with a flirty coworker when I’m married and not interested?

[Anonymous]

I am currently married but I am not happy in my marriage I’ve tried making it work with my husband but he don’t want change and I’m kinda staying for the kids at this point anyways there is this guy who keeps approaching me and comic his way to me all the time and I’ve been telling him to go away and hinting I’m not interested he continues to do it you don’t want to be too mean at work either you know so what am I supposed to do at this situation?

[HollyK21]

Are you sure you don’t secretly enjoy the attention/validation you get from this man coming over and flirting with you all the time? I mainly ask because that’s usually the case for people in unhappy marriages, they’ve got someone at work or some other place making them feel attractive, seen, and they may also find that person mutually attractive so they allow this dynamic to form when it really shouldn’t. Whether that is the case for you or not, you should really tell this guy you’re not interested. Playfully telling him to go away is not going to do it, he will just think you’re playing hard to get. This isn’t about hurting feelings or being mean, it’s about respecting your husband and your marriage. Staying for the kids is not a good excuse because your kids are happy when you’re happy and that’s it. If you can coparent healthily then there would be no disruptIon to their lives aside from adjusting to a new-normal. No, single motherhood isn’t the most ideal but shit happens.

[Asker]

So if I ain’t happy but staying for kids and like you said truth im not getting attention at home but yet I do at work I still need to make it known he needs to go away and I got a husband? Im really not happy it’s for the kids

[HollyK21]

You may think you’re doing right by your kids by staying in an unhappy marriage, but in reality you’re only teaching them unhealthy tendencies. By leaving, you would teach them that it is OK to walk away from a toxic situation to protect their own peace and happiness. By staying, they’re only going to absorb your stress and the coldness of your marriage even if you think you do a good job at hiding it. Remember, they learn what love should be and what it should look like by watching you and your husband.

Also yes, you should definitely tell that man you are not interested. I get that you aren’t happy in your relationship but you can’t have it both ways, aka getting attention from one man while being married to another.

[Asker]

But I am not happy and my husband doesn’t give me attention

[Asker]

And I told this guy to go away

[Asker]

Maybe he wants to be a good friend to me

[HollyK21]

You can tell anyone to go away. Why won’t you specifically tell this man, straight up, that you are not interested? Is it because you actually are?

[Asker]

No no I promise I told him many times to go leave he still comes back and finds ways to approach me we work together I don’t want to be his enemy either you know how awkward I’ll be at work

[HollyK21]

Sorry, maybe I wasn’t very clear. I said:

Why can’t you tell this man, verbatim, that you are not interested?

Why do you not say “sorry, I’m married and I am not interested”

Please answer that specifically.

I’m not asking about you telling him to go away.

Again, I am not asking about you telling him to go away.

[Asker]

Well am I technically married when we don’t even live like married couple no more

[Asker]

He know I’m married have 2 kids

[HollyK21]

Gotcha. Can you answer my main question? Please and thanks.

[Asker]

I’ve nicely told him to
Go away isn’t that a good sign im
Not interested

[HollyK21]

I would say that unless you tell him verbatim that you’re not interested then he is not going to take a “hint”. We cannot expect people to “just know”.

When you tell him to go away, I’m willing to bet that you do it with a smile and try to make light of it with a little laugh or something playful. I know this because he feels comfortable enough to keep coming back over, he doesn’t take you serious. And you aren’t being as serious as you could be because you enjoy his attention too much and that’s a problem. This is emotional cheating. Yes, cheating.

[Asker]

But we aren’t really living like a couple just in the same house I don’t even remember last time we had sex maybe like 3 months ago

[DryGermanGuy]

User your best Borat imitating voice and yell "You will never get this, you will never get this!"

[Asker]

Hahah I’m not happy tho in marriage and it’s hard what should I do than realistically

[bowenw]

Politely tell him to leave you alone. If he doesn't respect your wishes, report him to the boss.

[Asker]

I don’t want to be a snitch

[MasterKS]

Did he know your marriage situation, just be open and tell him if you are not interested.

[Asker]

Well everyone know my marriage isn’t going well either

[MasterKS]

@asker so he is fishing.

[Asker]

Wym fishing

[MasterKS]

@asker you odnt know fishing? how old you are?

[wkhan_87]

Tell him directly and strictly

[Asker]

Have done he tells me what you don’t like me? You hate me etc