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A college guy frequently stares at me intensely without smiling. When we make eye contact, I am the one who looks away first. Sometimes he sits near me, sometimes he avoids me, yet he continues making eye contact. He also sometimes opens the door loudly or acts weird when he sees me.
There was a misunderstanding where I thought he was taking a picture of me, so I gave him a serious look. Later, I went to him and apologized, and he said "yeah, you're good." But he still stares intensely and won't look away.
I don't want to talk to him, but I also don't want to be rude. Could he be shy, interested, or is he just trying to play a power game? What should I do? Should I ignore him, say hi, or set a boundary?
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
I cannot grasp the idea of playing a cold power game with stares. He would be mentally ill to do that. So he probably is obsessing with you.
If he has made it obvious, and you didn't reciprocate, then it wouldn't matter that you too secretly have (if you had) feelings. Like showing a defensive body posture and forgetting what he says, it sends a certain signal to his nerves when nothing happens. Eventually he'll be tired of you. Though it matters why, if he is convinced that it's just the temporary circumstances then he will persist.
That's why you shouldn't take the approach of telling him "there's nothing wrong with you". Tell him that it is about him. You don't like his character. Point that out. It is not rude. It shouldn't be offensive to be told that you're not someone's type. There are so many different types of people in the world. Lying to him "it's not about you" sounds somewhat like you are keeping him as a backup option. At least to him in his mood he interprets things the way his body wants him to interpret them. Make it clear that you don't want him there.
If you want a less direct way to tell him that you don't like him (whilst implying no bad circumstances in your life and you are open to dating as a whole) then show interest in others. Or make him think that you have a boyfriend. If you do not show interest in anyone at all, he might believe that it's just a phase in your life, an emotional or physical health event, or whatever idea else in that general direction. And that he might eventually catch an opportunity. If only he understands "0 chances" he might vanish. I do.
I mean. Here you are asking a question about him. You feel a certain way that you can't decide. Is your decision making machinery clogged with hormones? Why would you need to apologize for "serious look"? Did you actually say "sorry"? For making a facial expression of disappointment? Damn. You think telling him that he's not your type is too rude? Are you sure you're not accidentally sending positive signals? You're not using a similar kind of vocabulary that he is using? We notice it really quickly and take it as a positive signal.
But if you're just an extremely gentle person and don't want to break his confidence or something, don't worry. It won't. If you are doing all of this because you are just that gentle then you can also seem gentle whilst asking him not to stare at you.
This is a harsh but much-needed reality check. You are completely right about the apology—I realize now that by apologizing, I probably accidentally sent him a positive signal. I was just trying to be polite, but I see how it gave him false hope. I will drop the 'gentle' approach and be direct. Thank you!
I also had a guy in college always look for me in the crowd and stare for a whole 2 hours class, yet he avoided my eyes like it'd burn him to look if I ever happened to be close. I still don't know if he liked me but I learned he's married with a baby boy.
So it could be this guy is attracted to you but knows he shouldn't be for some reason...
Wow, that’s wild. Thanks for sharing your story! It makes sense that he might be holding himself back for some reason. But regardless, the intense staring makes me uncomfortable, so I will definitely set a boundary.
He is interested. If you are not, tell him so. It’s not rude. He needs to stop if you want him to.
There was one girl where I acted very similarly. I was to shy, inexperienced, and insecure about my social situation at the time. I deeply regret not doing anything further.
I think he wants to fuck you
Imagine your own sister asking you this question. Would you give her an answer like that? If yes, then you are dishonorable