Need to break up with friend because of my crush on him. He doesn't want to end things. What now?

[kriskahn21]

The problem:

I have an intense crush on my friend, Ryan. While I know that he is not perfect, I'm so attracted to him, his mind and body. We get along well. Too well (we've been had sex a few times recently). Last night we talked about this. I explained that I need us to stop talking and hanging out indefinitely. He resisted, and the conversation went on for an hour or so. He thinks that my feelings will pass if we keep hanging out and never have sex again. When the conversation ended, he said that he wanted to continue talking again tonight. I reluctantly agreed. I have nothing new to say...I still think I have to end things. I just don't see how else to go about this.

Background:

This isn't healthy. We went through something similar in the past. Last year, actually. I totally fell for him. Didn't realize we were just doing a friends with benefits thing. Did I mention that he was my first? Yeah, after holding out for over 25 years! I was mortified when I realized he didn't want me back, and I ended our friendship. We reconnected recently, and things are headed down the same path.

My reasoning:

The problem is that this crush is distracting. I talk and hang out with him and want to be with him. I want him to choose me! He says that he is attracted to me and enjoys being around me, doing routine and little date things, talking about our scholarly ambitions and interests, but it seems like he will never be able to reciprocate. And I just can't shake the feeling that if we're friends, I'm always going to want more. This doesn't seem fair to either of us, as I'll be jealous if he finds someone he actually wants to be with, and he's one of the few crushes I've had in my lifetime--right now, I just don't want anyone else.

I'm being totally clear with him though--about everything. I told him that I have no ill feelings towards him. I just need to simplify my life and get him out of my head. I want more than friendship. He suggests that we just stop all of the intimacy. I don't want to stop. I like him, I care about him, but want more than just friendship. I feel like, with him, I will always want more than friendship.

[TimmyThomas]

ok, I don't know you, but you sound like an intelligent sweet girl, honestly. So, take this with a grain of salt ok? As an outsider looking at this, what you have just told us is that you like this guy and you had sex with him...then broke things off because he wasn't going to be the BF...then reconnected and had sex with him again and again he doesn't want to be the BF...right? Why on earth would he want to be your bf? He has a great thing going...he knows he can hang out with you as friends and sooner or later, he can have sex with you...pretty sweet.

The only chance you have for him to be your Boyfriend is to tell him, its all or nothing...no sex, no friends, no texts, no hanging out, no anything until we are a couple. If he calls, it goes to VM, if he texts, you don't respond...let him know you are serious. If he likes you, he will come around and if not, you learned a big lesson and got rid of a dude that was just in it for sex anyway.

I know the crush is distracting and such, but just go out and met some other guys...you sound like a great catch, there are plenty of dudes out there that would be proud to call you their Girlfriend and they are in it just for sex.

[kriskahn21]

Ugly truth, but thank you!

[MrOracle]

You are absolutely right: you need to break up with him, for exactly the reasons you gave.

While I know he enjoys your friendship, he's not paying the price that you'd pay by wanting him (emotionally) and not being able to have him. That will be too distracting for you, and so you need to make a clean break, whether he wants it or likes it or not.

I know you've figured all this out already, but it is just another example that confirms what I wrote here:

link

[kriskahn21]

That article you wrote is great. Thank you for the link!

[asdaven]

Then why don't you just date each other? Friendships that turn into relationships are the best. The friends zone is for high schoolers and dating friends is awkward to younger people. But, when people get older friends who get together is more common. You got feelings for him, and he's got feelings for you, what's holding you back?

[kriskahn21]

He says he's "just not ready to take things to the next level." I suspect that he might just want a FWB relationship. I never wanted to be in that sort of relationship with him. He says it's not just about sex, but I don't believe him. If he wanted me, he would choose to be with me. He hasn't though, so I can only assume that he doesn't seem to feel the way. Right?

[asdaven]

Or you need to talk to him more. Tell him if you like me, why aren't we together? Make that absolutely clear what you want with him. Don't do friends with benefits. To me its a stupid concept people have adopted. Your either friends or romantic and together. Don't force a relationship but stand firm that you either need to get together or stop wasting your time. On your part, if his inhibitions are something you can help, do that. If its he doesn't like you enough, move on and break this off

[luigi]

if you like him that much, ask him to your boyfriend, and I mean litteraly(so like "name, will you be my boyfriend"), and if he refuses just say to continue this friendship will just be to awarkward

[SwiftShadow]

Uh oh... Why would you try to end it if you want him?

The hell is wrong with u, if you want him then your suppose to fight for him and MAKE him yours not wait till he decides he likes you.

As long as you don't have a Boyfriend you will regret the decesion even if you do get one and things aren't that good with him you will start regreting again ou why ou why didn't I try harded with him.

There is now law that guys have to make first moves.

[kriskahn21]

Thanks for your reply. Last year, he met someone else and left me alone. He could have chosen me, couldn't he? And I already told him exactly how I feel about him. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. How am I supposed to "fight" for him and "MAKE" him mine? If he wanted me, he would have chosen me. Right?!

[SwiftShadow]

Giving up and saying we shoulnt talk anymore isn't exactly going to make your any closer

[SwiftShadow]

and I can't exactly give you advice how to get a GUY since I am a guy, go ask some girl that.

If a guy would ask me how to get a girl... that would be a whole diffrent story. In my personal experiace, it is possible for ANY guy to make ANY girl their GF, just need to know how.

[SwiftShadow]

If you were a guy and wanted a girl in that exact situation, then I would say.

Your giving yourself too easy, stop trying to despretly sell yourself to her, but make her try to get you.

What you might be doing wrong is showing that your desperate for her and don't have a chance or can't get anyone else.

So ofcourse you would be the last resort, untill she sees if he can get better or not.

Find someone alse to flirt with etc, to make her see that she might not be able to get you soon.

[SwiftShadow]

See what I said there I reversed you being the guy and him the girl. In that situation most of it would work and be correct, but in reality... I don't know how it works reverse. It might be the same but I doubt it, girls and guys think diffrently.