Being the second choice!

[SweetHomicidalQueen]

Everyone has felt like the second choice. Whether in a family situation, love, work or friendship.

People tend to think that being the second choice is not a problem...until they experience it themselves. Also, they give people shit for not starting up a friendship or relationship just because they are scared to.

For example, my favorite candy is peanut m&ms. My second favorite is regular m&ms. If someone went to the store I'd tell them "Get me some peanut m&ms, but if they don't have any just get regular." See I like both, but I prefer the peanut ones. The regular ones are fine with me but they are just a backup plan. The peanut ones are my preference, even though I do like them both.

Being the second choice is a hit to the ego, the feeling of self worth we may or may not have. "What do you mean you only chose me because s/he got a boy/girlfriend?"

It makes us feel like utter shit. If you fall for one person, and then fall for the second, don't choose the second person unless you feel as if it is a true sense of love and that person will make you happier.

Being the the second choice never really makes anyone feel good, especially about themselves.

It will cause thoughts of worry and self doubt. "I wish I could look like them..." "I want to be as talented as them..." "What's so bad about me? Is it my looks or my voice or my attitude...?"

If you get treated like an option, it's your choice to leave them.

Don't deal with people who only want you when they need something. If you're there for them all the time but they're only there for you when it benefits them...leave.

Do something for yourself that will make you happy. If you let them treat you as a second choice then they should not be your first choice.

Be someones only choice, not their first or second or third. It should not be a question for them to choose who to be with. It's either you, or you leave.

It is as simple...and complicated as that.

[teawrecks]

I'm someone's second choice, and, maybe it's just my shitty personality shining through and lack of a decent moral code, but it makes me feel good, actually. That they chose me because they like how I help them out when their first choice isn't doing their job.

But then if there were a third choice to my being the second choice, and they went to the third choice, I feel like shit. Like I'm not good enough to help them out when they're not getting what they want from their first choice, so they felt they had to bring in a third option.

It's all... weird. As long as there's never a third choice, or I don't know about the third choice, I'm content with being the second choice.

But I'm not really one who's much for relationships to begin with regardless. I like the attention, the lust for each other, and the occasional cute moments. But I don't need or want the total commitment.

[SweetHomicidalQueen]

that's an exception not necessarily the rule. if its what makes you happy then ok.

[teawrecks]

Indeed, indeed.

[KDA20]

I think you are happy and comfortable with being an alternative rather than a second choice. Don't be so hard on yourself with talk of having a "shitty personality" and "a lack of decent moral code". I will just go on what I see here and I think you show you are a really nice person that has needs same as next person. I don't know full story but I get the feeling the "lack of moral code" has many angles to it and the situation is not black or white,

[SweetHomicidalQueen]

@KDA20 you're right and it isn't a simple situation.

[teawrecks]

@KDA20 Yeah... it's not a simple situation. But I am right to say I lack a decent moral code.

[KDA20]

@teawrecks I feel that is a very judgmental thing to say. I think you can only say that in a cut and dry situation. If you said it about anyone else a part of you would say that is way too harsh, you would be sure there are a lot of other factors involved. What I am saying is why use such hard phrasing on yourself that you mightn't use on anyone else. I am only going from my time here and my experience of @linkywinky and Teawrecks plus what other people have said, the only person I have heard use "shitty personality" and "lacking moral code" is you, the rest of us think you are probably very much one of a kind but overall generally a lovely person. Take it to the extreme and say you were an outside user looking at yourself, how would you feel if someone else said that about Teawrecks, would you agree?

[KDA20]

Like most people I have been on the giving and receiving end of this situation. My own personal feeling is much the same as yours, don't go for an option if your heart is elsewhere or offer yourself as an option especially in romantic terms.
I think the same can be said for close friends, someone is going to end up feeling used.
Family ties is a hard one to fathom, it is a case of you don't know till you are there. My feeling would be if it harms you or others, get out but if it benefits maybe think about it but it is definitely a case by case study.
Workwise - Really it is not that important - Same criteria as family ties.
In conclusion I think the closer the situation is to your heart the trickier it will be to work it out in your favour but this absolutely only a personal opinion not a given.

[ThisDudeHere]

"If you get treated like an option, it's your choice to leave them."

Damn straight. I would absolutely never make a second attempt at approaching someone after I failed once. Even if they themselves changed their mind at a later date. A no once is a no for life.

[Stacyzee]

I agree 100%.
Agreeing to be a second choice is saying that you feel it is okay to take the back seat to someone else.
That has never been an option for me <3

[daintydollface]

I'm often someone's second choice / last resort but to me that's just life. Not everyone that's really special to me is going to feel the same (not just romantically but even just friends), I'd still be there for them regardless...