Please just leave me alone. You bring me down so much. You are so negative and it's constant. You always have an excuse to be negative, late or slow, whatever. Now you've injured your foot it's a big thing and you constantly try and guilt trip me into feeling guilty over being annoyed at you not your foot, as if I keep telling you to stop going on about your injury when I never do. I mostly suggest leaving earlier or being prepared so we can get to wherever we're going on time. You constantly do it. I've realised why I said I hated you as a child and it's for this very behaviour. You constantly push all your fears on to me, putting words in my mouth and pushing your feelings onto me.
I am trying to get away from YOU!
I can't cope anymore its too much. People constantly tell me how positive I am, despite what's gone on but you bring me down. You take advantage of my kindness and generosity constantly... even your stories are a form of manipulation example Sharon or whoever calling you a leech. But it's true you never do for yourself, unless it's alcohol or weed related. And I'm sick of it. You take the piss all the time and try and act like your the victim when the reality is you are 53 and you are still expecting other people to fix your life. You're very dishonest and you have made such a mess of your own life because you're lazy. You don't set any goals or put any money to anything. You earn so much more than me and have for a long time, even though I moved out and things should have been easier for you it's worse. I just wish you would stop "trying" to help me! I've watched your behaviour and you only seem to be happy when I need help. That is a cruel and nasty way to be. And I'm so tired of making something of my life for it to crumble and need you to fall back on. It's like you need to me to be down and out for you to contribute anything to my life. I hate feeling like this and I can't keep listening to the constant put downs and pick me ups. I said weeks ago about keep contact to a minimum and I mean it. If you believed what grandad said you wouldn't treat yourself the way you do!
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I hope you've had some time to think things over. I hope you realize why I refuse to go back to the family too. You refuse to speak the truth. Consequently I will not go up there to have people think that I have gone mad when that couldn't be further from the truth. You have burdened me with a lot over the years. Things a child shouldn't have to. Only for me to feel like I needed to save you. Frightened of betraying your trust and confused of not respecting my elders when nanny asked me of things that went on at home because they clearly thought something was odd. Now even though I've spoken the truth and broken my silence people are messaging you in sympathy as if you have such a heavy load to carry. I don't know how you always manage to escape responsibility for all of this but I will never forgive you for this. The same has to be said for your integration with my siblings. You were and still are afraid of me having them as my family for fear you would be left out. Because you are still a child that needs to address the insecurities you have from your own upbringing. So as much as you say my father likes to create segregation within groups you do the exact same thing. Because you pick and choose what you wish to share to make yourself look in a better light when that is not necessarily the full truth. I saw your face when I told you what I said to uncle Steve.
And you also made an issue about coming to my work that day simply because you didn't want to meet my colleagues. Yet another self act. When the reality was if you had of come up I could have left earlier, and save you getting annoyed. And I wouldn't have had to keep monitoring my phone when I had already told you I had things I needed to finish. My eyes are very open. I'm so sick of this, why are you like this? I feel like a broken record constantly explaining my feelings for you to say you will get help, you will make a change only to leave it a few days until you're over it and hoping I've forgiven and forgotten. This is why you left the church because you know that you have this nasty streak. When you need it the most. I even sat and thought about this. How can one person get me and their work colleague to give them so much.(jewellery,money etc) It's odd I know I'm generous but I usually see through this crap but you catch me out every single time. And I know you took yet another payday loan to pay for your phone, which indicates you didn't have the cash in the first place to buy yourself a phone on that Monday! So you either lied to me to gain access to my emails and so on or thought you could take the piss out of me until I snapped!
And you're still doing it now, I asked you not to whisper to dad in my presence and you insist on doing it! Even you admitted how rude it is. You may think I'm a bully, but I'm not, if you wanted to stay at the hospital you could have. But you don't, to make me seem like the baddie pulling you away from him and the whole way back go on about how bad you feel about leaving him despite you not making such an effort to go. Your just like what I call Paul, a mind fuck! You talk about all these crime programs and reverse psychology because you think your above others and smarter than them when you're not. Definitely not me! I've been a prisoner to your games for too long! How we managed to form this cat and mouse again I really don't know!
But I promise you it's the last time!
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I refuse to talk to you until you sort your life out. I'm sick of you putting your spin on things and twisting everything. When you can't be honest.
I hadn't realised just how much you had/ have been lying to me over the years. You cannot be trusted. And this is the problem. I'm afraid to make friends and connections because these past 10 years I have finally come to the realisation of who you actually are. And I'm afraid of you. I really haven't a clue as to what you're capable of. You're always so quick to reveal other peoples secrets whilst holding back on yours. I don't want to reason with you. I don't want your excuses or your explanation. You need to sit and think about even how you behaved with me yesterday the things you said the way you reacted. I'm sick of it. I'm sensitive we know this but you always feel you have the right to say and do as you please because you mean no harm! I always come away feeling like crap, after being around you. Always! And if I say anything I'm making a problem about it, as your such a terrible person and then you use your famous line "I just need to die!" I mean who says that to their child when they were trying to show you kindness?! So tired of it, I really am!
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