I was abused for 5 years. It started when I was 10. It's been 4 years since then and it still hurts. I remember every single thing so vividly. I wasn't allowed to talk, move, eat, or drink until she told me to. I was locked in my room for up to 21 hours a day. The other 3 hours added up from eating, showering, cleaning, etc. When I was in my room, I did little things to keep myself busy. I'd count as high up as I could or looked for patterns in the knockdown wall texture. I remember the physical abuse too. When I was 12, I accidentally fell asleep. She came home and saw I was asleep, so she went downstairs to grab a skillet, came back upstairs and hit me in the face. There were countless times she dragged me by the hair, punched me in the face, hit me with things, etc. She sent me to mental hospitals to try to get rid of me and said I wasn't allowed to come back. My dad let it happen. He watched her do this to me, but to this day I'm still a daddy's girl haha. Eventually I moved here and it was then I realized how fucked up I am. I started cutting, burning, overdosing, trying to hang myself, etc. I took it too far one day. I cut so deep and I almost bled to death after hitting a vein. I was standing in the bathroom. I had a tactical blade. I put my right hand on the counter and I took the knife with my left hand and put it on my right upper arm. I didn't look. I turned my head and drug the knife to the left. I was getting ready to do another until I looked over to see blood pouring and spurting out. I was standing in a pool of my blood and I remember how warm it felt. I was so scared. I realized I fucked up. Having to tell my parents I needed to go to the hospital was the hardest thing I've ever done. That was in 2017. I still do it sometimes. I don't want to be here and I've realized that will never changed. I've had PTSD since I was 15. I have BPD, GAD, Bipolar, and SAD. Sometimes I wonder if those disorders is making me feel this way, or if I'd still feel this way if I didn't have them. I recently just got out of an abusive relationship. That's fucked me as well. I've become scared of people. I panic when people do certain things. I'm scared to leave my house. Growing up this way has fucked me up. I will never be normal and I want her to fucking pay for what she did, but I'm not that lucky. If you've made it this far, the purpose of this is to make you feel it. To feel what I felt. I want you to imagine how alone I was. I want someone to understand me. That's another reason I posted this. It helps. So again, if you made it this far, thank you.
Most Helpful Opinions