Upon first look, no one can tell that I've been hurt. Upon closer look, one can see that my smile doesn't meet my eyes and that it's a little strained. My past has severely aged me to well beyond my years and I am socially impaired. Within my few short years I have experienced every form of abuse and have suffered significantly to restore my trust, and faith in much of humanity.
A toddler shouldn't have to be afraid of ones parents for any reason, and should be loved, not blamed for the way their lives turned out. The child had no part in the decisions made by the parents and should not suffer for their mistakes and consequences. I had an older sister and a younger brother who suffered at the hands of our parents as well.
Sexual Abuse- by my birth father, while our birth mother stood watch. She claims it was to make sure we were safe and not harmed, but how is rape not harmful? I have a desire to find the one moment in time when I actually enjoy sex. I have internal damage, a twisted cervix, and i have cysts on my ovaries due to this. I also have moments when thinking about sex makes me naseous. I was given a 10% chance to have kids, but knowing my family medical history has left me wary of even attempting to.
Physical Abuse- we were treated as human ashtrays, and to this day I will not smoke or hug someone who is currently holding a cigarette.
Verbal Abuse- I was told on numerous occasions that I was worthless and would never amount to anything and no one would ever love me.
Emotional Abuse- feeling unloved and unwanted for many years by actions of my parents and those who were supposed to care about me, made me start to believe it was true...No one had ever told or taught me otherwise.
Psychological Abuse- after being treated this way most of my life, I mentally tormented myself all the time. I was second guessing everyone who was in my life. I trusted nobody but myself. No one seemed to care about me, so eventually I stopped caring.
I wanted to fit in with other kids my age, but they only bullied me, making things worse for me and my state of being. I was seeing a therapist, bit I was very withdrawn, and did not trust him. I hardly opened up to anyone. The only friend I had was my cat. I had attachment issues, where I was either attached too quickly, not at all, or slow to attach. I liked guys at the drop of a hat, just wanting someone to accept me and to love me. I never had a boyfriend all throughout school. Due to the bullying, I was scared to admit I liked anyone, both for my sake and the guys sake. In college I decided to change. I was tire of being overlooked by guys so I accepted whoever was willing. I learned the hard way that men don't always wear their rings, and lie through their teeth. I became attracted to older men, not trusting anyone my age anymore. I don't know how to play the dating game, and I don't know how to flirt. I be myself and that scares some guys.
I overcompensate in areas I'm unused to and I can come across as coming on too strong. I am trying to adjust to social situations, but having been withdrawn all these years makes it hard to relate to people anymore. I seem bold when im just scared to death and my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest. I seem confident when I'm just hoping you don't notice my inexperience and laugh at me. I say I like you, when I actually feel more than like towards you and am hiding what I really feel so that it doesn't make you uncomfortable. I steal glances at the guy I'm attracted to, wishing he wasn't so shy and that I wasn't so afraid. I want to talk to him more, learn more about him, but I'm afraid that who I am will make him think I'm a freak of nature.
I have made him upset by asking all the wrong questions, apparently, and while I am struggling to build a bridge between us, the more effort I make seems to make him take more steps away from me. I am struggling to find a balance, both for myself and for the possibility of a future relationship. While I have found peace with my past, and with myself, knowing I am a survivor and not a victim(though I still get bullied in my adulthood)...I yearn to reconnect to people and know that the day will come when I know who I am, am finally living not just existing, and will find the one who will see the real me, accept me as I am and loves me I spite of it all. The thing about living in the shadows, or in the background, is the fact you have the chance to see people and how they act. I see people for who they are, not what I want them to be.
Those that love the most are often those who hurt the most. When we choose to let someone, anyone in, that's a big step for us. No one understands unless they've been there. We feel utterly destroyed when that trust and love is misplaced abd yes, it may take us awhile to recover from it, but once we've resolved things, you may lose us or we may have a deeper understanding for one another. Communication is important, but so is body language. Silence is not always our friend whereas our thoughts most often consume us in darkness. But in that one moment, when we find a kindred spirit....Our world gets a little brighter, and makes us feel that we're not so alone and that things are not so bad. 😊
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OMG!! I want to reply to your post, but it's too much to do right now. I will do so later today. I want to really think about your situation. Maybe I can help just a little bit.
Well, thank you :) mostly I did this take to make others aware that there are other people out there like them and to not feel so alone. :) Since it can be anonymous they can talk to their hearts content...