Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

"You can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood." -unknown

(WARNING: LONG RANT AHEAD. I ADDED PICTURES TO HELP.)

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I'm gonna be honest here, I don't know how to begin. All this means quite a bit to me. It's my life, even if the span hasn't been very long. It's been a hell of a ride, and I'd like to share it with those interested. Even if no one reads this, just getting out for myself is worth it.

That being said, let me begin.

My child abuse began very early in my life and happened in very subtle ways at first. I was a very expressive young girl and I wanted to be a dancer. Around five I had many school performances where I dressed up like I was in a pageant and danced on stage.

I adored making people feel good at to me dancing and pleasing people whoever I good was the best feeling in the world. However, it wasn't long before that was used by those around me. At school, one of my teachers would hold me in class during recess and ask me to dance for her and play dress up. When I did she'd clap and give me candy, then bring in more teachers and they'd watch me dance and ask me to wear dresses every day because I looked pretty in them. Sometimes asking me to do it slowly or in some strange way or crawl to them.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

At the time I had not thought much of it because in my mind it was me making people happy and that's what I liked dancing for in the first place. Eventually, though, it escalated. See my mom worked very long hours at the time and was always stiff so she'd ask me and my siblings to give her neck massages and back massages. I remember telling my teacher about it and she'd ask me to do that for her too and then tell me to go lower. I don't remember much of that I just think she asked me to rub her boobs or something and after that recess ended.

If you're wondering why my parents never found it it was because I was a very quiet child despite me loving to dance. In fact, I was almost declared a mute. I hardly ever spoke unless I really needed to. I "Talked in my mind," is what I called it.

However, back to the point, that very weekend my mother had gotten into it with my grandmother on my father's side. She called the police on my mom for dropping us (Me and my little sister) off at her house to see our father. She despised my mom and called it child abandonment. Thus, a police car came and threw into foster care.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

One of the cops who think was my caseworker eventually grew tired of changing us from house to house. All of them were terrible choices and were in a terrible condition where I lived. He took us in himself as he had grown fond of us over the weeks he's been assigned to us.

And I'll admit it was one of the best times of my life then if I talk about it feeling wise. I had always told my dad I was gonna be the best big sister and take care of my little sister. So the stress of not having to be so worried about her did help. That was a lot at six now. I had turned six during that time.

I remember feeling happy and I always wanted to sleep in bed with the cop guy like did with my parents. I was afraid of the dark.

One night when he was supposed to be tucking me in and kissing me goodnight but he lingered longer than usual and started touching me and kissing me. Slowly taking off my clothes and etc.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I didn't really say anything, I was confused, but I think after a moment he realized what he was doing or something because he cried and said sorry to me a bunch. At the time I was so confused about everything.

It was really strange to me at the time and I didn't hate him. All of it just didn't make sense. But my mother thankfully won the case to get me and my little sister back and we went home.

After that, my father left us one day without a trace.

I remember crying for days and waiting. Looking out the window for months until eventually, I buried it inside me and my mother moved us south. It was my first-grade year I had to make up and my mother, who is a narcissist, began to beat me.

Badly, leaving bruises and whelps everywhere from cords, belts, paddles, switches, and etc.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I grew extremely depressed then. I had tried of killing myself many times that year. At anytime really. I'd just randomly open the car door and try to throw myself out. Or I remember one time my teacher asked me if I was alright and I just got up, walked to the curtains on the window and tried to tie it around my neck so I could jump out the window. The teacher dragged me to the nurse screaming and crying. They brought in a professional and he had announced me as suicidal and had to have a teacher by me at all times while they did an investigation of my household.

Nothing ever worked out though, my mother got away with it. She kept abusing me emotionally, mentally, and physically. It destroyed my relationship and I became to be what's known as an empath. I mirror peoples emotions and put them before myself. A match made in heaven for a narcissist.

I could never escape my mother it seemed, she went after me the most out of all of her kids.

It seemed to be the easiest thing for her to do. I barely spoke, I did things to please people. I never fought her back in anyway till I got older. And I was sickly often. I had to be on a breathing machine most of my infancy, I got virus easily, I was anemic, bruised easily, and had horrible nosebleeds when I got too hot or busted up. So she'd hit me in my face often.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

Or randomly pull my hair sometimes and yell at me, and then say it's because I make her do it. Or she wakes me up and makes me clean the entire house late at night and go to school. Or I'd come home to find dishes thrown everywhere and my room was torn apart.

It grew so hostile for not only me but my sisters as well. Certain things triggered us to run and hide instantly. Stomping, door slams, yelling, jingles, and etc. It was a terrible thing to experience really, stressed me out all the time.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

It began to affect all of us in our own ways. My sisters grew very hostile towards me and each other. Me, because I was an easy target at the time which led them to almost kill me a few times. Drowning for one. My older sister brought me to the deep in of a lake a left me there knowing I couldn't swim.

A wind knocked me off my floaty and I fell into the water drowning. Being kicked in the ribs an chest from some college kids who swam by playing in the water. Eventually though, one of them saved my life after I blacked out.

It stuck with me though, the feeling of nearly dying and then coming back to life. For a long time, I felt dead inside due to depression. and this made me feel alive again like there was something there inside of me that was real. so I began drowning myself in the bathtub then coming back up in time so I can feel air rush back into my lungs. It helped me cope for a while, along with self-inflicted pain.

I began hitting myself when I was nine to try to understand why my mom did it to me. I thought maybe if I hurt myself I'd understand what she wanted me to understand. It wouldn't hurt so much. so I'd grab objects and slam them into my stomach or punch myself in the face till I bled or left bruises on my body.

None of it helped, it only made me worse and eventually, I was assigned to see a therapist every day and visit my school counselor for breaks between classes. They put me in special classes with two teachers as well. Telling my mother I needed special help because I was slower than normal kids at learning. Which backfired, they found out I was way ahead of my class academically. I just chose not to do work. I was too busy daydreaming, it was the only time I felt free.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I dreamed of someone coming to save me. Someone to take me away and love me despite me being broken. Like that person would know everything about me and would say they had been there the whole time. That they were sorry for not coming sooner.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I tried looking for that in guys then, and when I say that ended badly. It's an understatement. I ended up dating a sociopath who threw a rock in my window, stole my shoes, ripped off my clothes in front of his friends and let this girl beat me up. But it did knock sense to me, I had come to the conclusion at twelve that no one was coming to save me but myself. So I sat there thinking of how I was going to.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

And I'm not going to lie I took a very dark path that led me to do even more problems. I started hanging out with the wrong crowds and ended up being exposed to sex. I had not engaged in it but I showed it and saw versions of it up front. I say versions because I was introduced to sex through BDSM. In fact, it was my idea of regular sex for a long time till I found out it was a more extreme version of vanilla sex.

But until then, my views were geared towards BDSM, goth styled clothing, and violence. I grew to become a very angry person. I always getting into fights and being feared by those around me. My group of friends was pretty bad too. It was an awful time, and I treated the only real guy who cared about me at the time terribly. All I cared about was myself and staying strong despite what was happening to me at home. This was my mind at twelve almost thirteen.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

Until of course, the day my mother decided to move the guy friend I had told me about myself pretty well. I broke my heart really, that I had torn him down that bad and he still cared about me. It gave me a lot to think about and I came out of that particular phase in tears.

My next stage in life began at thirteen when I was trying to find the beauty within myself and to love myself. And yes, strangely enough, I started with makeup and dressing myself up in prettier clothes. Softer tones and things to give me back some innocence that I longed to have again. So I became stuck in a situation of wanting to feel like a child again but always wanting to become a woman and be respected.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

Yes, I know. Quite a lot for a young girl to want or deal with. however, I had not felt like a child for a long time. So in my mind, I was trying to regain the sense that I was one and yet still keeping the maturity behind my eyes from various cases of abuse. I began looking at my mother to see what it was like to be a woman as well and tried expressing that.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

Let's just say in the beginning of course, when I had no idea what I was doing or that I was still in a bad crowd. It led me into trouble again. Trouble like being sexually assaulted several times and nearly raped on many accounts. I was hanging around a lot of kids with dangerous men for family members and etc.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

Thankfully, I was a good talker then and talked (sometimes fought) my way out of rape. It made me really reconsider a lot of the people I was around and who I wanted to be.

I thought about a lot of the actions and things in my past and I thought most of it was my fault. I held it over my own head for a long time, but I decided to forgive myself for what I thought I had brought upon myself and stop feeling like a victim. I was sick of it. I didn't want to be the charity case anymore or the broken girl who was so predictable. I ditched all my "friends," and began to work on myself again.

I imagined in my mind whoever I wanted to help me cope and reinvent myself. To grow and become a new version of me. I tried again to find out who I was and the self-love I still wanted. I started trying to become the girl I adore in my mind so much. The girl I wanted to be.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I began looking into things for myself and changing major things in my life. Like the belief of god for one. I had doubted it and it didn't make sense to me for a long time so I got the courage to disregard religion. Although, I took an interest in Zen, Buddihist teachings, and Alan Watts. And those things completely turned my life around. As hard as it was I learned to forgive others easily then and slowly heal my wounds and find solutions to my problems.

I also began to put myself first while still taking care of others when I can in healthy ways. I admit I do struggle with it sometimes when regarding the love of my life right now but he helps me on solid ground.

Outside of that, I had also learned to express myself freely and with more care. I did it at my own pace and style instead of looking to my mother for her version. My fiance taught me how to do so. And it feels extremely liberating to be able to express myself sexually or as a woman and not feel disgusted or ashamed by doing it.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I dealt with my mother as well, she's no longer in my life. I'll admit the stages of getting to that point was hard. The time before last when I tried to leave her it got violent and I ended up being put in a mental hospital because I threatened to kill myself if I had to go back to her. It was a bluff but given my history, that's all she needed to lock me away for awhile and keep me to herself. I was pumped with drugs and fucked up for a while in there.

But I got my life back on track and took my time successfully getting away from her so I could continue to heal properly and clear my mind. Now I'm in a healthy relationship, we talk all the time and he helps me if I ever have in lasting scars to deal with. He understands because he was raped and abused in his early life. So we deal with things together. Meditating has been a lifesaver for me and having someone to talk to. Do ing this is giving me a lot of relief as well. I've been extremely happy these last few years. I found real love when I wasn't looking for it.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

I focused on myself and my ambitions for my career in acting/directing. I'm going to school and I met true friends just being me. I have created my own family and plan to be married in a year or so. Even now I see the younger part of me feeling some type of justice for getting out and dealing with what I've been through. I always dreamed of being married so this is exciting for me. I'm still young, (I'm 19) but I feel older than inside and more at peace.

I feel at home and happy from the personal victories I have every day. I take things one step at a time. I still go see a therapist because it just feels great too. It helps with life here and there and my therapist is a great friend of mines now. I go hiking, bike riding, and do fun stuff regularly now. I try to be mindful of the things around me and just live. It's made me feel alive and as though the pain in my life was worth it. It made me strong and able to take care of myself. It forced me to grow and survive. also not make the mistakes my parents made. I'm open-minded now and I'm honestly feeling free from forgiving so much. Which is easier said than done.

I like the woman I am now, and if anyone ever needs someone to talk to I'm here. I love you GAG community. And yeah, that's my rant. Sorry for it being long as hell. You don't have to read it all haha.

Child Abuse, It's Effects On My Life, And How I Overcame It

-Have a good one!

(P.S. Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. )


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What Guys Said 11

  • Thank you for posting this. i went through something similar when i was very young.. it didn't stop until i was taken out of my parents home and placed in foster care. The only way i was able to move past it was to finally come to understand that yeah i was abused, but it didn't define me.. Again thanks for posting this.

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    • 7d

      I had to come to terms with that realization as well. I'm sorry you went through similar, I wouldn't wish such a thing on anyone. But you pulling through it makes me admire you as well. I haven't seen many do it in my area. Most end up dead from a bad crowd, drugs, or suicide. Thank you for posting your comment. I appreciate it a lot.

    • 6d

      you're very welcome.. and thank you for your response

  • You have every right to post your experience where ever you like and you are brave in doing so here. I hope that you are doing better now.

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    • 7d

      Thank you so much, and yeah I am actually. Live has gotten way better. I feel really at peace now. I never had that before.

    • 6d

      You're welcome, I'm glad you're doing better.

  • 7d

    woah western world is totally fu*cked up , im really sorry you grew up in such place.

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    • 7d

      Thank you, it is a little crazy here. I grew up in the poorer parts though so abuse is always commo there.

    • 6d

      you have a bright life infront of you , forget the past its gone , and good luck.

  • Who touched you when you were a kid? I kinda skimmed through this.

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    • A police officer who took me in during foster care,

  • Sorry you have to go through that. You're an inspiration. I'm glad you're feeling better now.

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    • 7d

      Thank you, and I am actually. Things have been a lot better for me lately.

    • 6d

      Same here. No problem tho

  • 7d

    So sad. Great that you managed to turn yourself around though. You sound like the strongest person in GAG

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  • Thanks for sharing your story. Is never to late to be where you want to be.

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  • "It's a hard knock life..."

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  • 5d

    Great take

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  • What's the point of posting this here? A lot of people suffer and the strong ones do it in silence.

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    • And end up killing themselves or being terribly depressed over it. I said I posted this mainly for myself but others can read if they would like to. What's your point in posting your opinion here?

    • 'What's your point in posting your opinion here?'

      To gain understanding of why you are posting this.

  • Fuck that's a lot. The fact that you got through that... I honestly don't have words. That would break most people, turn them Sociopathic. The fact it somehow made you into a more empathetic person... cherish that. Only the best, bravest, and strongest people can pull through that. That you created the person you imagined yourself to be.

    I posted this anonymously because the picture I use is just too insensitive for this (smiling and thumbs up). But I truly mean what I said. There aren't many people who possess the strength of character you do.

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    • 7d

      Thank you, and yeah when I got put in the mental hospital they said I was borderline sociopathic or had the characteristics to be. But I overcame it really fast, It wasn't my aim to let myself go down that road. Not while I was trying to heal myself and get away from the toxic people around me. And it's alright about the picture thing, I wouldn't have minded if it was what you mentioned haha. Sounds nice honestly.

What Girls Said 6

  • Thank you for sharing this. It was a really interesting read. Sometimes the things that don't break us shape us in better ways - I'm glad you found happiness and are on the right track.
    media1.tenor.com/.../tenor.gif

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    • 7d

      Thank you so much, it was hard as hell lol

  • 7d

    Your experience is a very common one. The desire to regain "childlike innocence" is largely a desire to regain the exploratory and curious nature we're born with and that is innate to humans. The biggest detriment that comes with abuse in children is the loss of the ability to experiment safely--since personal, emotional experience is how all living beings learn, when you take that away then what you're essentially removing is the ability of that creature to identify itself. That's where the perceived lack of self-identity comes from.

    Anyone can rebound from this, simply by being given the chance to explore as an adult (as you discovered). Sadly, it isn't in common practice to prescribe for adults the needs of children, as either the adult feels demeaned or the caretakers involved feel it is somehow demeaning. As well, adults are far more dangerous than children, and adults with the emotional dysregulation of a child more so. But this is the way humans are wired--we don't lose needs just because we age. The need for loving parents, community, and secure support are needs that never go away.

    When children are abused, the fulfillment of their needs is, sometimes fatally, delayed. When our needs are delayed, it's much more difficult to prioritize the non-essentials, such as academic study. Thus teachers assume an abused child is mentally slow, therapists make diagnoses based on symptomatic traits such as depression, friends and others involved are afraid of "imposing" themselves, no matter how justified an act may be, and so abused, neglected children are left to drift along into adolescence and make huge, preventable mistakes. Mistakes that sometimes teach them, yes, but also often mislead them. When people develop without anyone there to assure them that life can get better, unsurprisingly it's hard for them to keep faith in the face of everything that can go wrong, so many give up.

    You did not give up, and that is admirable. However, you should understand that your childhood is years that you missed out on. Those are years that you are set back, that you weren't living life, but surviving it. There is plenty to catch up on, plenty yet to learn. The possibility of remnant traits from your abused past is still high, and since you are now a sexually mature adult who is only just coming out of this dark place, you have to consider how your persisting naivete may affect your own children, and what you can do to prevent that.

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    • 7d

      For instance, how do you know your current state of happiness will last? Do you have a definite, logic-based answer? How will you navigate future hardships? What could go wrong right now, and how could you handle it productively? How will you provide a stable home life for any children who may enter your life, planned or unplanned? What are your views on religion, and why? What are the logic-based answers behind the religion you have chosen? Have you thoroughly explored the deeper meaning behind religion, and its place in human psychology? How does your religion affect you as a person? How good are you at mood control? Could you be better? Do you "burn bridges," and if so, why? Is it productive, how or why not? Can you compromise on disagreements? Can you stand to hear an opposing opinion? Can you cook for yourself? How are you at executive functioning and decision-making? How good are you at being proactive? These are questions an adult needs to have productive answers to.

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    • 7d

      That being said, despite all that I know I still, of course, have scars and things that need to be addressed. Like despite the fact that I am totally fine with how I am maturing I know it's not common. Especially since my relationship dynamic is DDLG based. Which is stemmed from the sexual abuse I had as a child. And I suppose, having no father figure in my life. This is seen as a complication because I know the origins are bad but it helps me (And my boyfriend) cope and feel at peace. I'm atheist so it's not like any religious things holding it over my head. But I do sometimes feel like if something is broken with me there it's not able to be fixed.

    • 7d

      But I agree, reaching out is one of the best things for me because I feel like when I was going through a hard time I'd have loved to hear about someone making it out okay. Because I'm not going to lie at the time I felt like there wasn't a way out other than death. And me coming this far proves that isn't true, not only that but I heal myself by helping heal others so it's just positive in my mind all around.

  • You inspire me so much. The pain you went through, and the freedom you obtained from yourself. I feel you so much. I want to save this myTake forever.

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    • 7d

      Thank you so much for your comment. I'm glad you got positive from my post, that was my aim. I'm honored you want to save it actually. It makes me feel good you go something from it, you're really sweet. And I'm just really appreciative of your words. They mean a lot to me

  • Yes, but I read it all. I was so sad to hear your story, yet at the same time I was thinking how therapeutic it was, and is, for you to get your story out there. It is part of the healing process. I know how you can experience the pain of the past more some days and less others. If you want to PM me some time I can tell you some ways to accelerate your healing. You are in my prayers and my heart that was so touched by your story Ms A. Maybe now I will even think about you for many days and hope that you are forgetting the past and smiling about the future.

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  • I read your entire post. It was very interesting, because I too was abused by my mother (physically, mentally, and emotionally).
    Physically: She would lock me out of the house, beat me with belts, hangers, sticks, toy golf sticks made of hard plastic, etc
    mentally: She told me I was worthless, ugly, should have died or been killed by her as a baby, stupid, unlovable, dumb, loser, can't say or do anything right
    and emotionally: Told me to not have feelings, and that my feelings won't win me a pot of gold and that if I had zero feelings and always lost then I would get love but if I was angry I would get no love... I learned to have no feelings and only let her have feelings and other people around me always be right and have feelings and me be wrong and have no feelings.

    Abuse affected me... as I thought that was "love" but it was "hate" and I could only feel "hate" now, and fear I can't feel love anymore.

    some abuse you had were sexual... I can't comment on those. I was told that sex was evil and men only wanted sex with me to have their kids... so I never wanted to get married (because a man just wanted to use me) or have kids (because that's only what men want)... so I avoided men and didn't flirt or talk to anyone esp. men.

    Life can suck some times, there's many different people with different beliefs and views on life. I don't hate my mom or sister or anyone really, they just didn't have the same values and beliefs as I did.

    I"m still healing though. I am still searching for wisdom to believe that it is ok for me to think that I am lovable, and worthy of love and life.

    I'm sorry you went through what you do.
    I"m glad you are in a better place and not suicidal.
    It is good for you to tell your story, so that others who are suicidal knows that the pain doesn't have to be forever.

    You have to just believe that you will get out of that "bad" place, believe it and work towards it.

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  • Wow I'm so sorry for what you had to go through and I know that's likely not what you want to hear. So sorry for saying that as well but your story of recovery and getting your life back on track is really amazing. And thanks for sharing it, it made me feel a little better, though I've never had to go through anything really bad in my life so sorry for relating somewhat. I'm sorry I really don't know what I'm typing.

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    • 7d

      No, no it's fine. I think your comment is really sweet and heartfelt. And even if anything you went through wasn't to this degree "(thankfully it wasn't, wouldn't wish this on anyone) I still understand if you relate. Any bad experiences can be damaging to an individual based on how it affected them personally. Plus, what might be minor or hard for me could be the opposite for you when it comes to endurance and etc. Everyone has their own battles made for them that they have to overcome in life. I appreciate you found something positive out of mine. And I'm really happy you commented on MyTake. I can't thank you enough

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