Girl's Behavior

Suicidal Thoughts

In the past I was quite shy and tended to hide from the problems I had to face that normal kids do. When I 'liked' a girl I just wouldn't talk to her and tried to forget about it (Now I know that it wasn't love, but passion instead. That rude personality of them but cute look) and I did. Every single year I looked at on different girl, but was never capable to talk to them and I just let it go. Felt quite frustrated at the time since every single person I knew had someone who could talk to everyday and understand their own feeling and be supportive on their own problems and decision, while I had not. Felt quite lonely in this world for my entire childhood and I kind knew it wouldn't change so every single day I said to my self that I was useless and couldn't do nothing. Every time my class has to choose someone for a team and any sports, I was always the last one and staid behind for most part of the games. Some times couldn't even touch the ball and when I did, I just couldn't do the right thing with it so I just let it go

All of this didn't seem to stop so I kept feeling the same thing over and over again but worse every second I thought about it. I've reached a time where I couldn't think about my own life without the possibility of ending it in a near by future and that was with 12-13 years of age which now when I think about that I feel disappointed with my self for throwing away such important part of my life, but I've accepted it and can and will live with that for my whole life. At that time I couldn't talk to anyone about my self since I was shame to even existing and despite all the opportunities I had to get help I'd just leave it behind and couldn't care less about it because my thoughts were that everything in this world had a purpose, except my self so I would just accept that 'fact' and carry on with my miserable childhood that if I had what I have today, but with those feelings, I wouldn't be here anymore and that's for sure.

flirting
At the time when I thought about the chance of committing that stupid mistake I would just leave it, fortunately, but would never be capable of talking about it or even write about it since I was afraid of what others would tell me (now I know that it was the best thing I could do and you'll know why) because in my mind I was shamed about my self and afraid that if I talked to anyone I would just be left all by my self in the world and dumped like I was trash which I felt like it to be honest.

I had a few friends but I know that they didn't know me has I was. They knew me as I wanted instead and I still do that. Don't know if this is just me or if it is common, but after that past I just tend to close it off but never forget about it since that past is the motive I'm still here alive and writing this. Past is the only reason we are what we are today and for someone who's feeling those horrible things at the moment, than that present will become their motive in the future to fight the problems they have to, and learn with their own mistakes BUT, most importantly, to learn with the own world's behavior and how people deal with other people, and those that are special. Every person who's different is unique and that person will behave like what he/she wants regardless of what the others have to say about it because when someone acts different, it means that that person just doesn't care about opinions and thoughts towards his/her attitude.

"Past is the only reason we are what we are today..."
THE WORLD... The world is cruel towards anyone that doesn't accept it and even worse to those who feel bad about themselves because world sees them has its weak part and will treat them like so when they are the most important part of it and, as well, as the strongest. The world's future is made by those who stood in front of it and not in the middle and those people are the ones who carry on with their life regardless of what the others have to say and that's basically my message towards every one in this world that feel bad with it. EVERYONE has a life, but NO ONE has a purpose because that's what all of us have to fight for. The purpose I'm fighting for is to make the world a better place, not for everyone but those who felt it, for those who felt the world's cruelty inside it's own people. Some people say that we should all be equal and treated like so, but that's not correct because you can't build a single purpose for billions but you can build billions of purposes for one person and that's the magic inside humanity.

The feelings... It's hard to deal with multiple feelings when you feel bad about yourself and it is quite easy to blame yourself because of that instead of blaming what was responsible to make you feel those things. When I felt those horrible things I would just hold it in and wouldn't show it to the world because inside the world there's always someone who couldn't care less about you and will say the worst think they can so that you feel even worse about yourself and that's the world's cruelty towards people.
flirting
Today I know that I've made a lot of mistakes but took the right path for myself and that's the main reason I stand for the problems. I feel really secure about myself and I have the strength to fight for myself but sometimes I'm a little too cold with people and too much direct while saying things. Couldn't still trust someone entirely and not even my girlfriend knows me for what I was, but she's the one who knows me for what I truly am.

She is the most important person I've ever encounter in this world and when I feel down with myself (since when I do, I really turn myself off for everyone and my world becomes so small that only I can enter it) she gives me space. She is the only person I've met that does the right thing with me regardless of what she feels and I know it's tough for her to do it because she cares about me and I can't be entirely open with her and when I say stupid things, she gets really upset and feels the whole thing at the same time and sometimes I cry about it, but I know I love her and feel that I always will because she is one of the few reasons I fight for my future and I want her to be part of it together with me.

My purpose in this world is to be myself

Whenever you feel bad about yourself, you should trust that you will make the right thing for you and you will run over those problems, sooner or later. I know it's hard to talk about it but I do know it is the best thing. Don't follow my example for saving everything inside of me, because you will eventually explode and I did already and the feeling of that it is the worst thing you can feel in this world.

Live your life and fight for it to be happy and you will be.
Cheers
Suicidal Thoughts
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