Am I too flirty, or is he too insecure?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend thinks that I am "too friendly" with other men. I am a very talkative, bubbly person and I admit that I often find myself in conversations with perfect strangers at stores, gas stations, really everywhere. I treat both men and women the same way. I talk to just about everyone as if I have known them forever. I don't think of it as flirting, but, my boyfriend thinks men take it that way, and that it it gives them the wrong impression. I have tried to modify this behavior for him by not being the one to start conversations with men anymore, and by trying to avoid or not interact with men I don't know. It just doesn't seem to be enough. He gets upset if I am talking too much or if I laugh too much with his own friends when we are both together with them. I don't touch them, they don't touch me, and I try not to get too close to them, but he thinks I let them get too close to me. He says that I don't set personal boundaries. Is my talkative friendly nature inappropriate when it comes to men? Do men take this wrong, and, how do I interact with them less without seeming rude, mean, and just plain boring? I want his friends to approve of me, but he thinks that I am causing them to more than just approve, It's been a real strain on our relationship.

Updates

+1 y

Any thoughts, opinions? Anyone else been in this situation with a girlfriend or boyfriend either as the "too friendly one" or hurt by the others "friendliness"? What would you consider as "too friendly" or "flirting". Where do you draw the line?

[Anonymous]

i know this might be a bit late but I have the same problem with my boyfriend. He grew up on a farm and only ever had one girlf so he still has butterfly dreams and cupid hearts on his mind. I grew up clubbing and being pretty sociable in the same way as you. I think he is insecure and jealous and a little naive, he thinks I suffer from histrionic personality disorder. LOL. The only way to solve it is to keep talking about how we feel about different situations and events. The more you talk about your intentions and motifs behind your behavior the more you will understand how each other think and find common ground. He will be more at ease, you will learn to act a "little" differently to spare his feelings. If you really love each other and this is the only real problem, I think it's no problem at all. Good Luck and stay happy:)

[Anonymous]

I can sort of relate to your problem. I used to be with a guy who would very enthusiastically introduce me to leads of his male friends and then sit back and carefully observe how I interacted with them. I would be just like you - friendly, talkative, laughing, open. Then later on, he would start dropping hints about how he thinks I'm having affairs with his friends, which was always completely untrue. I broke up with him, as I couldn't tolerate his mistrust anymore. I think you should ask your guy how exactly he wants you to interact with his friends. To me, your behaviour sounds perfectly normal, plus it is perfectly understandable that you want his friends to like you. Def ask him what the heck he wants. Good luck!

[Asker]

That is exactly how it feels like. He wants me to go out with him to play pool with his guy friends, but when we do, I feel like I am expected to just sit there and watch him! If he is playing and I am on the side and his friends are on the side waiting for their turn it seems awkward not to talk to them... I just don't get it! Thank you for your response :)

[_free_flyer8]

well if I'm honest that's just who you are, and it doesn't sound flirty it just sounds friendly, I can understand it might be upsetting him but he seems a bit over protective to me and he needs to chill back a bit more. in life just be yourself xx

[Asker]

I am worried that it is just my personality and that I may not be able to make the changes that he needs me to without giving up my own self. I am trying to save our relationship of four years, but I am not sure if his insecurity is going to be our undoing. Thank you for your reply!

[_free_flyer8]

Hm has this always been a problem throughout the four years you guys have been together? he does sound very insecure, does he ever talk to girls or anything? as in a way that you may think is flirty...

i'm not really sure how people can undo their insecurities... maybe you should, or he should ask his friends whether they that you're being too flirty.. if they're his friends they will answer honestly xx

[Asker]

Im sorry that I was really slow to reply! He has always been this way, just not as bad. It started with me not hugging my guy friends, and then not seeing my guy friends without him around. (even if they are with their wives/girlfriends)Then it was not talking to men I didn't know for any reason. (even at work) He now only wants me to go out with him, and only his friends, but it seems that I am not allowed to talk to them either...

[_free_flyer8]

I don't actually know how you could live with that :S that sounds way too over protective for my liking, if he trusts you he shouldn't have a problem with you seeing other guys unless you've had a history of cheating or summin. but from what you've said I think he just needs to get some balls and back off a bit xx

[Asker]

Thank you for your all of your insight on this :) I do think I already knew that he was being a bit over the top, but in trying to stop the fighting, I started to wonder if I really was doing something wrong. The truth of the matter is that I mean no harm, and there is no threat to our relationship by me talking to people, the threat to our relationship is him being unreasonably concerned. I will try to talk with him. Thank you again, you were most helpful! :)

[Lume1983]

Pls I will need some advice from a guy. My boyfriend says he loves me a lot and the only problem he has with me is that he sees me as a flirt becos I have a likeable personality and every guys went to get to know me and he is not finding it funny at all. Pls how do I make him see things differently cos we live in different countries

[scootermaven]

I was the friendly one, my x was the jealous one. Someone who is that insecure probably isn't able to give you the mature love you deserve. If you change your whole personality to please him who will you be? I am so glad I am not with a jealous control freak anymore.