My girlfriend the "realist"

[sictransit]

So the other night my girlfriend and I watched Blue Valentine (Note: do not watch this movie with your significant other) and it sparked a conversation afterward about how fragile relationships are, and how most of them end. Her and I just got back together after 14 months of being broken up. We've now been together for almost 3 months, she knows I love her, and she finally just told me she loved me last week. I am definitely a romantic, and since we've been back together she's been calling herself a realist. So as we were discussing relationships, she mentioned how she thinks we likely have an expiry date, since most couples do, but she hopes we don't. I may be a romantic, but I know that there are no guarantees in life, I know that most relationships end and so every one of them is against heavy odds. I know all this. But when you're with someone, and you love them, are you not supposed to think it's forever? Even if in the back of your mind you acknowledge it probably won't be, are you supposed to think it is? And if you really do think that your relationship has an expiry date, are you supposed to say that out loud to you significant other? We haven't been back together that long, and since she is the one who broke up with me originally and absolutely broke my heart, getting back together with her has been difficult because I have had to learn to trust her again and to become secure in the relationship again. Needless to say, I was sensitive to these comments she was making, and they hurt and worried me. And she feels like I shouldn't have reacted that way. So what do you think? Is there logic in love? Can you be a realist and be in love? Are you supposed to think there is an expiry date with your significant other? Was I wrong for getting hurt and upset over these comments?

[selfishstars]

I'm probably more like your girlfriend. Most relationships don't last "forever". I don't think you should let emotions like being in love trump logic. But that doesn't mean that I don't love my partner nor does it mean that I'm not fully committed to try to make it work.

What it does mean is things like:

- I don't neglect myself as a person separate from being a couple. A lot of people seem to let who they are as part of a couple take over who they are as a person. I think it's important to maintain your friendship with other people, have your own goals and interests, don't let the fact that you're part of a couple come in between pursuing your dreams without putting A LOT of thought into it, don't be codependent on your partner or rely heavily on them (like, not being dependent on them financially, or not allowing them to be your only source of emotional support). Personally, it's important for me to know, that while I don't want things to end with my partner, if they did, I'd be okay. If we broke up, I wouldn't want to find myself with no means of supporting myself, no friends to talk to, no idea what to do with my life, or no identity.

- I won't "beat a dead horse". I think when you have a relationship expecting that it's going to last forever, you're more likely to try to make things work. Don't get me wrong---I'm not the type who runs at the first sign of trouble. I'm a strong believer in good communication and trying to work through problems. But it's important to know when enough is enough or when a relationship can't be saved. I think it can be a lot harder to let go of an unhealthy/unhappy relationship when you believe it was supposed to "last forever".

- I don't try to change my partner. Expecting a relationship to last forever kind of assumes that you're going to meet someone who is perfect for you---your "soulmate". I don't believe in soulmates, and I don't believe in trying to force or mold someone into the "perfect person". You can really like, and even love someone, but find out that they aren't compatible for you.

[Darkfairie17]

I always wondered about this too, because with the last three guys I have dated I always felt like despite the fact that we were together, they would leave in an instant if they could find a 'better match'. Even though I was a great gf.

How I came to terms with these failed relationships was a little saying. "Hope for the best, plan for the worst". You have to be realistic in the fact that not all relationships last forever, yet some do. So hope that the one you are in does last forever. But at the same time, cherish the time you two have together, as nothing is permanent. Not saying you two won't be together forever, but who knows what can happen in anyone's life. I could be struck down by lightning tomorrow for all I know. I would rather focus on the positive aspect of my relationship with my new boyfriend than worry about what may never be. Don't grieve about a relationship unless you have to. But if it does happen, and you do break up, realize that it's not the end of the world. Life does go on, and although that may not have been your forever love, your forever love is now closer :)

I totally know what you mean about her comments hurting you. No one wants to feel like they are a placeholder for something better. That is a terrible feeling. And I don't think that she should be betting the odds are against you two. That is not fair and it's almost like she is ahead of herself here. You two have only just gotten back together, and already she is betting against it. All because of a movie, which is fictional. That to me isn't too realistic thinking.

[sictransit]

Well it's not *because* of the movie. The movie just sparked the conversation, but she already felt this way. And I don't think she meant is as I'm a place holder, just that again, most couples don't work out so the odds are against us. I don't think she meant anything bad by it, or was trying to hurt me. But my point was I believe that when you're with someone, if you love them, you should think it's forever while at the same time acknowledging it might not be. But if you hope for the best and

[sictransit]

plan for the worst, as she actually said she is doing, then I feel like you're holding something back. You'll never be entirely vulnerable with that person because by planning for the worst, you are guarding yourself, bracing for impact, because you expect it. Also, it could end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Eiffelgirl21]

No, you weren't wrong. Yeah every relationship doesn't last, but, when you love someone it is supposed to last. I never think...it's not gonna last because most relationships don't. Because that is negative thinking. And, if you think negative about your relationship, then there will be a negative energy around the both of you. It would hurt my feelings too, if my boyfriend did this. She shouldn't think negative about your relationship..that would make ME feel insecure about my relationship. Especially if she loves you. Love should be thought as forever. My boyfriend does not express his love for me, however, he does not think it is going to end. He doesn't really think about it period...He just takes everything day by day. And, I like that about him. He doesn't think about it being forever..but, he doesn't think about it ending. He hopes it will be forever...I think he is more of a realist. You're girlfriend to me, is just being negative. It may be because of her past...or her surroundings..She may be surrounded by relationships that never last. ? I do not know..I could be wrong though.

May I ask why not watch this movie with my boyfriend? lol just curious

[sictransit]

Your boyfriend actually sounds like my girlfriend. She always talks about taking things day by day, and that she hopes it will be forever. But I also like thinking about the future. I express my love to her every day and I feel I am really good to her. It would be nice if she saw me in her future. Do not watch this movie with your boyfriend because it will turn most people off of relationships, period. It's incredibly sad and depressing. Great movie though.

[Eiffelgirl21]

Oh..okay..then I won't! haha...yeah me and you are such romantics haha...I feel the same. I wish my boyfriend saw me in his future...bu who knows? Maybe he does..he is just too afraid to admit it..haha

:-) but, just know you are not alone. I would be hurt too..and sometimes I am.

[sictransit]

Thank you, but I am sorry to hear that you are sometimes hurt too. Romantics are sensitive, and maybe we belong with romantics but you and I are currently with realists. But I still don't feel like realism has a place in love. I don't believe there is any logic in love, it's a feeling too powerful for reason. So yeah, maybe they think things they just don't say. Last time I was with my girlfriend she was a romantic. We were apart for 14 months so of course she's changed, but I don't think she

[sictransit]

could have completely lost all that romanticism she had. I mean she still brings it out every now and then, I think she's just buried it pretty far down and I need to be patient in order to get it back to the surface.

[Eiffelgirl21]

I agree with you. My boyfriend seems to bring his romance side out every now and again. And, I wish I could freeze that moment every time! I also agree that love should not have anything to do with logic. Although, like I have said, my boyfriend does not express to me that he loves me. It is just something I have to deal with at the current moment. And, unfortunately, I am very sensitive! lol it sucks!

[sictransit]

How long have you been with him?

[Eiffelgirl21]

Well, he has committment issues..we have been dating for a year..but, he has only been "serious" for about 6 months. I have a problem of falling too quickly though. And he is the opposite!

[sictransit]

I've been there.

[Eiffelgirl21]

Yeahh it sucks! lol but, I must remember love can't be rushed! so, this is the only thing that keeps me sane.there are times where I want to tell him..but, then I am like, no I do not want to force it on him. so I hold back those three words. Patience. Is what I am learning to have.. :-)

[sictransit]

Patience is key. Just make sure he is worth the patience.

[Eiffelgirl21]

Very true. I think he is. If it doesn't work..it was worth it. =)

[martyfellow]

Yes of course you should think it's forever, especally after you have made up. But it's understandable she's keeping some emotional distance since you've broken up before, regardless of who did the breaking.

I think you should tell her your are hurt by her comments, but try not to be angry with her. Maybe sh'es just protecting herself.

[sictransit]

I think you're right. I definitely could have handled it better than I did. I wasn't angry with her, just hurt. But unfortunately I couldn't snap out of my sad mood and it caused some problems and ended up in a bad fight. And I agree that I think she is just trying to protect herself, and I need to give her more time to open up. I've been trying to be patient, but it has been difficult. But I'm definitely not innocent in all this.

[Shaun]

That was a sh*tty selection in viewing material for a couple in a fragile place, I must say. Didn't you see the previews?

[sictransit]

She really wanted to see it, as did I. She didn't know what it was about, she just likes Ryan Gosling. I knew what it was about and heavily debated whether or not to rent it for us. In the end I figured hey, it's just a movie, and she wants to see it so it'll make her happy. In retrospect, renting that movie might have been the biggest mistake I've ever made.

[Shaun]

Well, if you tell her how her thinking makes you feel and she either realizes and changes or stands her ground, either way, you've learned something about her that the movie just brought to the fore.

[sictransit]

I have told her, so she knows. And truthfully she's entitled to think and feel however she wants. But as you said we're in a fragile place, so not only was that movie an awful decision, but so was the conversation. I'm still somewhat insecure in the relationship, the last thing I want to hear is how she believes it's likely going to end one day. I could have handled it better though. I should have.

[Shaun]

Well, you could always adjust your expectations. Maybe be the one who has the heart grow cold first.

[sictransit]

Can't do that man. I love her.

[Eiffelgirl21]

thats really sweet :-)

[oneforthetruth]

No I don't really like the way she said it. 'expiry date' sounds like something about to go off, and I do not like the term.

Actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I mean I know not all relationships last, but not many people get into a relationship, wanting it to end..otherwise what was the point in getting into the relationship in the first place?

And I am not sure how that makes her a realist. If you think about it, no relationship ever 'lasts' cause at some point (although not a nice thought) one of us is gonna be introduced to the Grim Reeper.

But marriage vows do not claim, that you will be together...forever..they ask "will you love till death do us part"

Nope didn't like that term and if my partner ever said something like that to me, I'd have his ear off...lol...

[sictransit]

I don't think she "wants" it to end, I think she just expects it to. She's 26, and her relationship resume hasn't been great. She hasn't really had a long-term relationship, I am her longest. 6 months before, 3 months now. I am the only man she has loved and has said I love you to. And her parents aren't the best examples of love and relationships. So I think maybe she just expects it to end. But in my opinion, I just think that is the wrong attitude to have. I personally acknowledge and agree

[sictransit]

with her that most relationships end and the odds are against us, but I believe we can be a couple who beats those odds. If I didn't believe that, why would I be with her? And you are also right about no relationship, even the best one in the world, ever lasting, because at some point one person is going to die. Her and I have agreed in the past to have a **Spoiler alert** Notebook death to avoid that very problem.

[oneforthetruth]

Yeah OK, but I don't mean to sound funny, but doesn't that term make you feel like you've lost before you've even started? cause for me that would make me feel like the other person was like counting down the days until they decided it was no longer a relationship they want. I'm not saying she wants it to end, but a relationship will either succeed or fail depending on how the people involved behave, but I have never been in a relationship where someone has said, at some point we will break up.

[sictransit]

That's exactly why I was hurt by it. It feels like she expects it to end. She says she doesn't, that she hopes it lasts forever, but that she again, is a "realist." What she was saying made it feel like we don't have a chance, because it sounds like she doesn't believe in us. And this could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, ya know? If she expects it to end, then somehow she'll make it happen. It's just hard because I see her in my future, and I don't know that she sees me in hers.

[oneforthetruth]

Nope I totally see where you are coming from and can understand why you are hurt, I would be too if I were in the same situation, and usually I'm a pretty rational person, but I wouldn't be able to understand why someone, who is with me, is telling me we won't last...usually that's everybody elses job...its kinda wrong to me, sorry but I still haven't changed my mind, I don't like the term..doesn't sit well with me.

[sedwar3]

When she says you two probably have an expiration date, she is probably looking for confirmation from you that you don't want it to have an expiration date. Especially since you both just got back together and she is probably feeling vulnerable from telling you she loves you. Just tell her that you always want to be with her, and if she starts to counter with an intelligent but cold comment about how the two of you just don't know, then she is probably just interested in intellectually sparring with you (not looking for reassurance).

Either way, just because she says these things does not necessarily mean that she believes them. If she is intellectually sparring, she might be trying to fully think through and explore the longevity of relationships and understand what makes them work and what makes them fall apart. This might just be how she thinks things through.

[sictransit]

She knows how much I love her. There has never been any doubt of that. I tell her every day she is the only one for me. So you're right, this could just be her thought process. I don't think she meant anything bad by it. I don't think she was trying to upset me. But I too am vulnerable and sensitive to idea of us breaking up since she left me once before, so I guess she should have just chosen her words more carefully.

[sedwar3]

If she does think things through by fully exploring a concept, she may become more intelligent about relationships. Let her know that this hurt you... let her think that one through. She will try to shift blame onto you because she won't want to admit that she could carelessly hurt you. But, even if she does shift the blame onto you, she will be less likely to do the same thin again.

[sictransit]

She knows it hurt me, and I hope that next time she doesn't need to be so brutally honest about something that she does not need to be so honest about. Or at the very least, I hope she'll pick her words more carefully. I hope that maybe she learns from this, as I want to learn from this as well. I should have handled it better, and I am at fault for not having done that. I probably blew it out of proportion, and I don't want to do that again. So her and I are equally at fault.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your girlfriend is scared to death of losing you (even more so than you are of losing her). It seems to me that she's labeling herself as a realist in an attempt to brace herself for her worst nightmare coming true, the death of her relationship with you. She's distancing herself already from the pain associated with losing the person she loves. The sad part of this is that she will make this a self-fulfilling prophecy whether deep-down she wants to or not. She needs to do some serious soul searching to ask herself why she has such a negative outlook on love. 50% of couples (married ones anyway), do survive. For your own sake, tell her her what you want, that you want to make the relationship work, and that if she's not on-board with that, that you'll do what you need to do to protect your heart. Perhaps couples therapy...perhaps a break-up...who knows. Good luck.

[sictransit]

That's definitely a possibility. I mean she broke up with me, and 14 months later, after we had both been hurt from the breakup, dated other people, started to move on, she had to swallow her pride, take a risk, and tell me she made a mistake and wanted me back. I don't feel like a person does that unless they are *sure* that is what they want. And we have been having a rocky start because it's hard to pick up the pieces after being apart for so long. She's also said in the past how she is a

[sictransit]

Self sabateur, so the self-fulfilling prophecy thing is unfortunately a possibility. The problem is, I love her so much. I always have. And to have actually gotten her back, after all that time, I need to try everything I can to hold onto this. If it's just not working and we're not happy, then yeah I'll have to let it go. But I still have faith that it can work and we can be happy. We discussed couples therapy, but she feels like we are very good at communicating and being totally honest so

[sictransit]

there isn't much we would gain from therapy.

[Opinion Owner]

I think there's so much to gain from GOOD therapy...perhaps she also needs individual counseling as well. If she's a self-saboteur, then deep down inside she doesn't feel deserving of love/happiness/success, etc. She needs to figure out why, for her own sake...not just for the relationship. This flawed thinking will (if it hasn't already) spill over into other aspects of her life, like career, friendships, family...and as you have already experienced for yourself, in love.

[sictransit]

I'm a psych major, and when she was in school she was minoring in psych, so we both believe in the power of good therapy. She's been to therapy herself in the past, many times. Even when we were broken up. However, I don't think it had to do with her and relationships, just her in other aspects of her life. But if she doesn't feel she needs individual therapy, or that we need couples, I can't tell her otherwise. Telling her she could benefit from individual therapy would probably cause more

[sictransit]

problems. She feels like she's really got it together, and that she's really mature and whatnot. She is really secure in who she is, and because of that I have been taking the blame for a lot of the problems we've had thus far. I'm not saying I'm not the cause of most of them, but she's definitely contributed, I just don't think she realizes it. She feels like she doesn't do anything wrong, so I don't know what to do about that.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, with you being a psych major...I think you really DO know what to do. You just don't want to do it. It may take some time for you to admit it to yourself, but you've also got to look inside your soul to find out why you're willing to settle for the treatment you've been receiving. You both sound like lovely people who could be so much better together with a little intervention. But if she's not willing, then you need to be brave enough to do what you KNOW is best for you.

[sictransit]

I know but that's so much easier said than done. I love her.