Girl's Behavior

How to apologize to the guy I ghosted?

I ghosted a boy who I was dating for a few months when I was 18. I was immature, I didn’t know how inappropriate it was, I felt it was easier to just say nothing. He was okay, but I felt pressured. He invited himself to my time like it belonged to him. He had a way of going after everything he wanted and believing in his right to have the things he wanted out of life. It must have been a great quality to have at times, but It had a side effect of him being invasive. Without me offering, he said he would wait patiently for my virginity. I guess because we had been dating he thought it was a natural next step. But all I could think was “this is my virginity. You can’t volunteer yourself to it.” I should have said it, but I didn’t want to offend him. His comment was supposed to be courteous and yet it just came across as pretension. I didn’t want him to tell me my feelings were over the top or that I exaggerated his words because I felt it happened too often to be a one time thing. But instead of giving him the chance to hear me out, I just ghosted. It was something I eventually regretted. I ghosted him because I was just too immature to form the words to tell him “you cannot have me.” I didn’t know how to be firm, I worried that his expectations would lead me to eventually make choices that I didn’t want to make. Without actually realizing it in that moment, deep down I knew that my weakness was an inability to stand my ground. I was uncomfortable with disappointing others, and I was afraid of being presented with new information that could persuade me to feel wrong. Staying silent altogether was my way of silencing him from being able to do that. The only source of power I had in ghosting him was the fact that I had the final say, and that when it came to what he wanted I didn’t have to budge. I didn’t have a clue how disrespectful it was to do something like that because I didn’t know how it would make him feel.
How to apologize to the guy I ghosted?
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