What is it in the feminine psyche that makes women think that they can or should try to change or tame a man? Why do they believe that they're moral enough or perfect enough to change a guy? What is the appeal in that? I have never understood this.
I saw a video yesterday where someone was explaining that women tend to think this way when they meet a guy who is 'wayward' and they're attracted to him, and part of that attraction is because in her mind she thinks she can change him. One of my co-workers was also saying this awhile back too.
I can only speculate, based on what I have felt when giving a chance to girls who later made it clear to me they didn't deserve one.
It begins with common ground on some issue. Then, a friendship forms. Then, she encounters hardship. I help out, because I have sympathy. She responds gratefully. I develop a sense of hope. Things go okay, but I get very quickly attached. Then, warning signs come up that not everything with her is what it seemed. Next, she's making very questionable decisions. Yet, no one, not her parents, not her family's church not me, not even the cops, are going to talk her out of it. If I'm lucky, she'll at least take the time to explain her sudden rebellious streak. I may still disagree with her methods, but at least I'll understand what fuels her ambitions. I will then seek to neutralize whatever is fueling her in that direction.
I might succeed, but even that is no guarantee that the relationship will survive my attempts to save her (and possibly others) from herself.
I know my two biggest high school crushes fell into that category. Only, in those cases, all efforts to talk sense into them failed. They were pissed at the world beyond reason. And had to pay the price without me.
I recall my grandparents saying to avoid premarital sex to avoid heartbreak. But heartbreak also comes from betrayal that doesn't involve sex. It comes from her throwing away her chance with you, because avenging her emotional baggage matters more to her.
I tried many times to move on in community college, but everyone there was too unstable. I finally went to a proper university. Most of those women were also too unstable to make anything work, to the point that I entertained no delusions.
But there was one sweet woman in town that won me over. She didn't have to try every hard. She was crippled and terminally ill. I realize now it was more sympathy than anything else that drew me to her. But as my mom stated: "You can't marry out of charity." Her family hated me, because my determination to look for ways to help rather than give up, and general stubbornness, reminded them of her ex-husband, a real piece of work in the military, that disgracefully abandoned her because she was too unmotivated to do the dishes. She was crippled! He didn't care.
Later met some Asian women. I like Asian women. But most of them didn't treat me very well, so it didn't last. Then, the gold diggers came after me. When they realized I didn't have any money, they tried to see what else I could be milked for. But when I noticed that things were becoming one-sided, I started asking questions. This annoyed them. Then, the truth came out. Exposed, they fled, cursing me and cursing whoever told me the truth.
Then, I met a wonderful woman from China, with a passion for selling titanium. It didn't take long of being friends, before she got me to crush on her madly. Her titanium dream fell apart. Blasted ChiComs! So she started selling underwater camera robots. I fell madly in love, though she wanted to look at the practical side of things. She told me her worries that logistically, we were doomed. I told her that didn't matter to me. I'd love her, no matter what came between us.
And lo and behold, lockdowns ensued due to the Hong Kong situation. Mainlanders found their VPNs getting the axe. They scared her into walking away from me. There was nothing I could do. I was in the dark, a continent away. Pooh rejoiced, crushing yet another western love story, as he lusted for global colonization.
I eventually told myself it was time to move on. But so far, I have no good leads.
If any woman has had this kind of luck with their men, I can understand how a passionate mission can override reason.
Women attempt to change men because they want to be the ones in complete power. It’s a feminist thing. When in reality the only person who can do any changing is themself. And that is only if they themselves choose to make that change. Not because a woman wants him to to fit her agenda. If a woman truly Loved a man, she wouldn’t attempt to change him because he would already be perfect to her in her eyes. Which just goes to show that majority of women don’t love their men. They’re constantly trying to change us to fit their needs and wants with no regard to what the men want.
My dad went from a man who enjoyed things he liked to a man who started doing things my step mom wanted him to like and he just rolled over and did it. He used to like to watch wrestling, not anymore. He used to stock different things in the fridge at his own home until after she moved in. He doesn’t even get the things he likes anymore. He hasn’t been working out like he used to and I think he’s gaining weight again. This is why I don’t allow a woman to take control of my life. Never will. My life is my own and I will live it the way god intended for me to live it. Not the way some bitch ass woman wants me to
I learned my lesson longggggg ago to not try to change a man, or anyone, for that matter.
people will not ever change because somebody wants them to. It happens only when they themselves see a need and make the decision to work towards it.
I know I sure don't like it when people try to change me!
A person in their life might make a request, create n provide a safe environment to foster such a change, etc. But if someone doesn't Wana budge, they won't, and may possibly even resent/rebel against anyone who tries to nudge, push, force, etc.
A wise man once told me that issues will always exist, ya just gotta decide which ones are deal breakers n which ones you're willing to tolerate. The ol' "take the good with the bad AND the ugly" type thing.
Basically gotta set healthy boundaries (I know, easier said than done with people who don't respect them, but that's a whole other topic), and be assertive in refusing to budge those boundaries when people test/cross them.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾Nice to know you learned your lesson and became wiser from it. Few women acknowledge where they went wrong in their relationships/interactions with men, let alone acknowledge they LEARNED from their mistakes in it either.
Thanks. I try. Even to this day I catch myself wanting someone to change something. But I shush myself cuz the urge to change others is due in some part to what we know n see that needs work within ourselves.
It's a daily conscious effort to work on your own flaws n man, is it tough!! But if you feel like you've grown as a person because of it? That's POWERFUL.
Because that's what the society teaches women and expects of women. The idea that if you're such a good and worthy woman yourself then a man will be willing to change for you. If a man loves you enough he will change himself for you. My personal theory is that it also has to do with women's traditional role of running the household, so everyone in the house being influenced by her. We see it in movies and books and tv shows. Even in South Asian culture when men are not very religious and all their families try to get them married with religious women hoping that her piety will influence him to become religious as well. This is what my family is trying to do with my brother right now. I personally don't think it's something that's set on stone. It does happen sometimes but it is not guaranteed or should be expected to happen all the time.
Because women change , Guys don’t , A girl that wants her man to change is a girl looking For an excuse for her actions , , she likes to play victim and give herself reasons to cheat or flirt with other men cuz she knows deep inside she is the piece of shit but she has to make herself feel she is in the right and to get her friends to take her side as to why she is doing what she is doing. She will find every excuse she can to make her man feel less of a man and do things to make he feel she is losing interest and play victim saying he doesn’t love and care about me , Most girls can’t admit to themselves they are wrong , it’s always the guys fault why she acts the way she does , she can have a loving husband or boyfriend that treats her like Gold but she will eventually get tired of it and look elsewhere , Girls need drama in their lives , if their is no drama she won’t be happy , why most girl’s are drawn to bad boys or a guys status , if others look up to him then she is drawn to that , He is a challenge to her , when he doesn’t become much of a challenge to her she will lose interest in him and be drawn to the complete opposite of what he is , when she realizes she made a mistake she will try coming back to her husband or boyfriend or ex and apologize for doing what she did , and if he is smart he wouldn’t take her ass back period. I never take exes back and crazy to say all my exes have tried coming back to me one time or another , I just laugh and say nope good luck to you whore. Bottom line women will never be satisfied , Why most guys today don’t want to get married cuz Girls today are very selfish and only really Think of themselves and most women are great liars , most women compare their lives to others and compare their men to others as well , they want their men to confess everything to them but when it comes down to them confessing , no chance in hell , For a guy to keep a girl he has to be good guy bad guy and juggle her well to keep her on her Toes and by her side , once he starts falling in love with her and expressing his feelings to her she will lose interest and look at him as he is weak, Girls mainly cheat on their men cuz they are drawn to status or the bad boy type , a guy she can look up to , A guy mainly cheats cuz he isn’t getting the respect from his girl and she is lacking in the bed department and making him feel he has to earn her intimacy and affection , When girls start doing that he has To put his foot down and not tolerate her shit for her to come Crawling back to him , if he can't do that then there will be another girl waiting to take him away from her, little does she know All it takes is a girl to see a nice guy being treated like shit from his girlfriend or wife and she will be standing there nurturing him , What girls don’t realize the guy she is cheating on her husband or boyfriend with is just banging her for a piece of ass , he doesn’t want a relationship with her but he will act like he does to get that ass Girls that cheat on their men are preparing themselves for a rude awakening , A guy that cheats is preparing for a better love
Well like I have said before, most people... men and women forget that love is transactional. Sure you fall in love, and sure its true love... but love in general is not forever if you are not doing what it takes to maintain it.
So the case I have made in the past I think most guys/gals are conditioned to put up with a degree of complaining from their significant other... but they do not take it as serious as it seems that others do. They just consider it par for the course. But when it does reach of a level were one person is insistent on change, then the question what are you willing to change or give up about yourself?
In my experience, the answer was what to do you mean? And that is were the problems start... because there are lots of things I don't say or complain about because I loved her and accepted them about her. But now she's coming at me about what she is dissatisfied with, and so I thought it would be a good time to inform her about the changes I would like to see. Educate her on the fact that I don't complain or make it an issue because I accepted these things about her, and as a sign of respect I don't except or even consider asking her to change... but now she's coming at me expecting me to pay a price and she's offering nothing in exchange?
I am sure guys do this to women as well, but the truth is over time in a healthy relationship people do adjust and make acceptations for each other and if you do love them then you should be willing to change... but it can not be a one sided affair and the give and take is what most people fail to realize as the essential part of the process. You don't get to decide what you are willing to give, if you are the one asking then other person decides what they want you to change and if its too much then you have to compromise. Once you start drawing lines in the sand then everything becomes toxic.
This is primarily from what I’ve observed, but it is very hard for a lot of women to open up to men, let alone romantically. So when they do find a guy that might check off most of the their boxes regardless of how flawed they are they have an innate feeling to try to help/correct/fix them. Also women tend to be more supportive when it comes to people hence why a majority of what you consider SJW are typically women. So for them it might be easier to stay with someone who is flawed when they have that connection with them already than to leave the person (throw away all the time spent together) and start over with someone new.
This is a part of a female's nurturing instinct. This happens in most cultures. Women are biologically geared towards child rearing, which includes teaching and forming minds. If unchecked, this instinct carries into relationships.
Only the very smartest and most disciplined of people can fight their natural instincts. This includes men. While women have an instinct to try to "make their partner better", men have an instinct for not taking the time to listen when we feel like something is taking too long. We tend to go for the fastest way to fix something. This is our equivalent to the female instinct of trying to shape a partner.
my mother changed me (in part)... she made me a better person my first girlfriend changed me (in part)... she made me a better person as well my second girlfriend change me (in part)... she made me a better person again
my other, further girlfriends didn't bring much change in me... but I was already as great a man as I could be but... they kept me better, and for the good
maybe we cannot change someone entirely, or we cannot change them drastically... but I know that we can be part of someone's progress and that it can be for the better
also true, that I didn't need to be "fixed" much, I mean... I was not a douchebag, I wasn't an asshole either, I wasn't a piece of trash like the likes we see around here in G@G
I think that there's a few different reasons for different types of people but one of them is that some women have this fantasy of finding a cool guy who maybe their one of the only people to see potential in this guy or the feel like he cares about her more than anyone else in his life.
And he loves her so much, it gives him the strength to let her help him get his shit together and be the best version if himself.
It's usually some variation of that.
There's some nice things about this, and let's face it, this does happen sometimes and those relationships are almost always insanely solid.
But you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. Not in an honest way that they're going to appreciate you.
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It's in most females behavior. They're NEVER fully satisfied. They always want to tweak something to try to make it better. This is why I always say the best women typically know and acknowledge this about themselves (and I don't mean arrogantly). All women have a little bit of crazy in them. But the ones who try to reduce it or at least control it are women that are best to form relationships with. Most women who have chronic relationship problems don't even realize they are their own worst enemy. They don't want to admit to themselves they're sabotaging their own relationships.
Gosh this is such a good question I find myself thinking like this sometimes I don’t even know 100% why tbh, I think it may have something to do with the thought of growing and working together, but if he’s like a sure player I don’t relate I try to stay away from that.
If you need to change of fix something about your partner you need to ask yourself: "Is there something about myself I need to change, fix or should I really be with this person in the first place?" That is a question that both women and men need to ask themselves if they start thinking they need to change or fix the person they are with. It can be a hard question to ask yourself. But it's a question that needs to be asked.
Because they don't want to admit the guys who actually make them feel safe and comfortable and therefore ideal relationship material aren't the guys they're attracted to, so try to change those they're attracted to into the type of guy they normally keep around as friends (just hotter, because god forbid you date an average looking guy who makes you feel safe and loved).
The type of woman that thinks they can, and would even try has their own problems. We don’t own people and we can’t change them. People have to want to change themselves.
With my ex, I just wanted him to see the potential he had, as well as the amazing times we could have, but he was too damaged from his past and the relationship was doomed. He's comfortable where he is and doesn't want to change.
All I did was support him, but he just wants to self-sabotage. I'm no way saying I'm perfect, but it's sad how he doesn't want to acknowledge his issues. I wanted us to make each other better people.
I was partly attracted to him because he seemed unattainable to me, but it soon grew into frustration because he won't let anyone get too close.
It can work. Out of all the girlfriends I had, my very first girlfriend in high school helped me become a better man. I was either too scared to talk to girls, or bit of a insensitive jerk before I met her. I was willing to learn from her and take the criticism because she cared to help me out. She was my first everything. Even my first interracial relationship (I’m Mexican American and she’s white). I couldn’t ask for a better first girlfriend, but we were long distance, and she moved even further after graduation.
I believe that this stems from the traditional role of women to nurture their young children from birth. An infant is cared for and molded by the mother. This gives women the misconceived idea that she can mold and adult as if the man was still a pliable small child.
Because we are nurtures, I find myself wanting to help change the guy I’m dating for the better, but I have to remind myself that he’s a grown man, And I step off. Some women can’t control themselves and this is why that happens.
The problem is that women believe they're perfect enough or in some way morally superior to think they need to change a guy. I think this is an ego issue.
No that’s not the case, just like women raise kids to be the best they can be we sometimes try to get the man to become better and think that he will change—nurturing. When in reality a man is an adult and a woman can’t change him!!
@TwinkleLily5 I'm not asking this question as in the woman has already been in a relationship with a man, but when she ENTERS into a relationship with one, thinking she can change him to fit her ideas. This often happens when she meets men who are badass types. So my perspective is: you can clearly see the guy is not a good guy, so what makes you think you’re in any position to try to change him to suit you? It usually ends in disaster.
@ManOnFire it doesn’t matter if she’s just meet him or not. She feel she can change him because its in her nurturing nature. Some how she thinks she’ll be that exception and he’ll change for her. I’m telling you this because I am a woman and I know lol.
@TwinkleLily5 It does matter. I think if a woman truly likes a guy she’s dating, or truly loves one she’s in a relationship with, she isn't going to try to change him. She’s with him because she really likes him regardless of his flaws. If she encourages him to improve in areas she can clearly see are not good for him - key words there at the end - that's one thing, and I would call that love. But believing you need to change a man you're dating ti suit you is not love. Because the main reason any woman believes she can change or "fix" a man has nothing to do with her being concerned about his own good, it's because she’s doing it for hers.
That’s what a woman calls “Simping”‼️ Doing Things to show love unto they change you into Something they find out they didn’t really want. Secret Manual to Man Changing/Behavior Modification:
Because they are ignorant. Any person who has truly truly tried to change themselves KNOWS that it is hard enough changing yourself let alone someone else.
If a guy isn't changing on his own... Stay away from that guy.
Bad influence of romcoms. A dozens of them narrate stories about a 'bad guy' falling in place after meeting the 'right woman'. Also patterns play a role, women tend to have certain patterns with the kind of new they date and they expect something different to happen, different from the past experience.
If a woman believes she can change a man, there are two reasons. She is a narcissist or she feels the emotional pain in a guy. I am hoping it's the latter and not the former...
Both genders are susceptible to being fixers or savers under the guise that being a supportive partner is the 'most important trait.'
It is arguably good to support your partner through highs and lows. However, this model can be unsustainable when we realize that putting someone first inevitably teaches them to put us last.
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