Best way to deal with a girl who follows up after flaking out on a first date?

[Anonymous]

So i chatted with a younger woman on bumble for a while (she’s 33 and I’m 40). I’ve gotten a few matches here and there but on paper she was definitely one of the better prospects I’ve seen. She’s well educated, into fitness, believes in God, did NOT bring up politics (so sick of that) and she is attractive. She even grew up in the same state that I lived in as a kid.

I did every thing right. I was playful but I didn’t ever mention anything sexual. I got her phone number and after texting a bit she agreed to meet up for an outdoor workout date (we are both like running) at a public venue place. It couldn’t get any more non-threatening than that. I know women get paranoid about meeting guys online so I usually make the first date somewhere they feel safe and comfortable.

Yesterday I texted her into about a spot for us to meet up at the venue. I also wanted to confirm the time. She then gave me a curt one line response I that “she can’t make because she felt sick”. I responded with “damn. Get some rest. I guess I’ll hear back from you when you feel better”. She did a love emoticon on the message. I didn’t say anything else.

I think she is most likely lying. She probably talked herself out of meeting up and/or she found “a better deal.” But it’s really too bad because I don’t come across good prospects very often nowadays. We had a lot in common and she was showing lots of good signals at one point. We texted earlier she said she was going to outrun me. I responded with “want to put a bet on it”. She then said “yeah the loser had to make the first move”. I just laughed saying “well I guess I’ll unexpectedly get lipstick all over me”. She laughed at that. I didn’t say anything else.

Anyway I got a feeling she will message me again later. But when women pull this flaky bs I usually don’t feel motivated to plan something else when they follow up. Maybe she really is sick but my gut is telling me she’s lying.

Updates

+1 y

This question is more about what to do if she contacts me again. If she really was sick (which I doubt) that’s one thing. But if she lied than I am not interested in sticking my neck out again.

[PlacentaSalad]

You two shared a lot in common so I don't think it is wrong to give someone a second chance. A third chance is perhaps one too many, though.

As you said, you believe that women can get nervous meeting men online. So, maybe she was nervous but didn't want to reveal it as perhaps she worried you might take offense to it. Maybe she did get sick, or maybe it was something much more personal that she did not feel comfortable with sharing with you just yet being that you two are still strangers, and so "I'm sick" was the first excuse she could think of. We've all used that excuse before, for something.

I would say that the onus of reconnection is her obligation now, though, as you did your part to initiate and express your interest in meeting her. Anybody using an online dating app should understand the environment and what needs to happen after they've cancelled a date. It is her turn now. Just make sure whatever caused her to be sick, she no longer has. It could be the monkeypox.

[Asker]

Good insight man. I know I handled this one right (followed some Corey Wayne principles). When she brought up “the loser had to go for the kiss first” I was playful with it. But I know better to mention anything sexual at this point and I didn’t. She initiated contact much of the contact earlier as well.

But if she is using me as “a backup plan” i want nothing to do with that bs. So if she contacts me again what should I do?

[PlacentaSalad]

Personally, I would respond to her and create another correspondence. Putting myself in your position, I could only give her the benefit of the doubt that she was being honest about her situation. I can't presume that she is lying as for all I know, she was telling the truth.

If or when she responds, I would just ask if she is feeling any better (since she says she was feeling sick, she should expect a message like this) as this would show you cared enough to remember her well-being, but I wouldn't bring up the idea of another date unless she mentions it first, such as by apologizing for missing it or even suggesting another date. To which you can proceed with the original idea or perhaps ask her for her own ideas if you think she has something she'd like to do instead.

If she isn't bringing up the idea of another date and just keeps talking to you about other stuff, then at that point it is probably safe to assume you are just a backup plan and should move on. Yes, nobody should be having their time wasted when they are clearly looking for something.

[Asker]

Good advice man. I was thinking the same thing but I need someone else to reiterate that.

However I also noticed something else today that makes me almost sure she isn’t “sick”. If she does reach out again and asks to hang out I’m doing the most low effort approach possible.

[spartan55]

Do not contact her dude. If she was interested she would have rescheduled.

[Asker]

Yep definitely not going to contact her. Unfortunately your most likely right.

But if she contacts me again (and i think she might) I don’t feel like planning something again. I don’t have patience for bullshit. Might tell her to come over my house for dinner since she didn’t respect my earlier chivalry.

[spartan55]

Na, I would put the onus on her. I'm betting she is super hot to be still even considering her.

[Asker]

She’s attractive but not “super hot”. I was more excited about the common ground we had. For example I’m trying to learn Spanish and she speaks it fluently. Just one of the better matches (on paper) I’ve come across. That’s very rare for me nowadays. Not some spring chicken on a college campus surrounded with tons of options.

[spartan55]

I feel ya on that. Tough balancing act.