So, to cut a long story short my ex boyfriend raped me a year and 4 months ago, since, him and his friends harassed me, stalked me, abused me etc until January this year when things seemingly died down. During that period I kind of flew off the rails and was really reckless partaking in drugs, meeting dangerous people I know I shouldn't have, having "fun". Danger just seems to excite me and always has. Unfortunately, I had to defer from University, quit my job work on my addictions and some health issues I was battling, it was a long painful process that I fully healed from since January until now. I became a family person, I rarely go out I just spend most of my time with my little sister, who helped me the most through my issues. I cut a lot of people out of my life, created new social medias and kind of just restarted and refreshed my life. A part of me does absolutely love the peace it brings me and I'm so much happier. However, recently I've kind of felt like I'm in a rut, I deny all dates an opportunity mainly because I'm still kind of traumatised from men getting close to me (the daddy issues don't help). So lately I've just felt this overwhelming urge to just run reckless again and do all the bad things I know I shouldn't. I have ADHD and the impulsivity aspect has always haunted me. I just don't know if it'll make me feel more alive or take me back to where I was and completely ruin all my progress. I just want to meet the people that I shouldn't, go to places I shouldn't, get high more often and just enjoy life, I'm just sick of living this boring lifestyle. Everyone around me has acknowledged I've changed and they all congratulate me on it and tell me how proud they are. But today I got back in touch with an old friend, and once I told them how much my life has changed they asked me "don't you get bored" and it kind of just hit me again how much I miss the fun I used to have. I just don't know if I'll be making a detrimental mistake to myself.
Is there something wrong with me?
