How can I stop being insecure about being a tomboy and not feminine enough?

Question

GreatBigCircles · Accepted Answer

Something that helped me get over my insecurities in high school, was realizing that most of the people I know there aren't going to matter when I graduate. Most of the people you know right now you will lose touch with in ten years. That means all the kids looking to feel good about themselves by bringing you down? And all the bullies? And the entitled guys who think that they know everything about what's hot and what's not? And the fifty different 'true' versions of masculinity and femininity that students tear into each other for not matching perfectly? Gone. The things that will still be there are you, and the people who are worth keeping in your life.

Confidence and identity are closely link, but identity is something that is deeply personal and internal. And it's something that changes over time and that everyone struggles with. But the YOU that you feel good about, and the YOU you aspire to be? That will always be something for you to decide, not for someone else to criticize. And that applies to all parts of who you are, from big heavy topics like 'what is just' and 'what is good', al the way to 'should I eat pizza with a fork and knife'.

It can be tempting to take roles and stereotypes and try to fit them in to the little box of identity. It definitely takes the uncertainty away, and it means you can just 'act like an X' and then say the consequences just be part of 'being an X'. But that isn't actually going to feel true if you go down that route, because it's just the nature of things that we can't escape our own freedom and agency.

But even if it can be scary and confusing at times, one of the greatest sources of confidence and self-empowerment comes from taking your identity into your own hands. It can be scary for sure, there'll be times when you'll have to make a tough decisions and live with consequences that'll shape your life. There'll be confusing times too when you're have no idea what you actually want or feel. And you will sometimes make a decision about who you are, only to find out that it was the wrong decision, and deal with the awkwardness and pain of admitting that. But each and everyone one of those ups and downs will be yours and yours alone.

The longer you go through life, the more solid all those experiences will make you, and the more confidence you will get. And unlike the fake confidence you might get by internalizing some arbitrary set of roles and rules, you'll never lose them or find them taken away because it won't depend on what others think.

caring__1 · Accepted Answer

Most people have feelings of insecurity. This is due to parents overprotecting their kids. Rather than helping them to feel good about their uniqueness, they push them to conform to what is acceptable to the parents. Society does this, also. Girls with straight hair are jealous of those with curly hair. Girls with curly hair are jealous of those with straight hair. We believe the grass is always greener on the other side.

Rather than attempt to mold yourself into what you have been socialized to believe is ideal, learn to understand your uniqueness and how to enhance what already exists. For every type of person, there are people who are drawn to that type of person. You don't want to pretend to be someone, always struggling to keep the real you hidden. Using bait and switch to attract people will always give disappointing results. It's not what you have but how you use what you have that determines your functionality as a person. Learn to be happy with yourself, and you'll be noticed by those who appreciate your uniqueness.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

Ah, Reem. Girl after my own heart!

Be secure about being how you feel happy and comfortable. How YOU are is YOUR femininity. You cannot compare it to how other girls and women express THEIR femininity.

If you hear comments from people about how you "should be this way" instead of how you ARE, just calmly and clearly say, "Mom, (dad, Fred, aunt, boyfriend/girlfriend) that doesn't work for me. I like the way I am and what I do and enjoy. Might not be how you grew up or did, but I need to satisfy myself."

And this IS the bottom line. You are not on this earth to make others happy, except when you particularly want to, in circumscribed situations. You are here to make yourself happy and successful.

If this means you aren't traditionally "feminine," whatever THAT means... you aren't a dress wearer, you don't bake cookies and defer to males, you like riding Harleys, wear board shorts and T-shirts (I'm describing myself) and have short hair because it's easier to take care of, and you lift weights and change the oil on your car and your own tires... Yet you're fine about being a woman, then you're feminine enough.

True, traditional men likely won't be attracted to a woman as competent as you, as you don't need a man to do all the non-traditional things you can do for yourself. But the men, or even women, who'd be attracted to you, will likely be very competent themselves, and will admire you, as well as like you.

Love yourself, first and foremost. Ignore those who want to "change" you. You were born the way you are. There's nothing you need to change, unless you are unhappy with YOURSELF. But don't allow others to make you consider change, unless what you're doing is HARMING someone. And i don't mean "bothering" them or making them feel uncomfortable. That's THEIR problem, not yours. Good luck with being you!!

You'll never regret being true to yourself!!!

Adaeva · Accepted Answer

If being a tomboy means you like playing sports and seldom put on makeup or wear girly clothes, you should realize that is not unattractive to most teenage guys. If you are pretty, you are pretty, regardless if you enjoy sports or wear makeup and wear girly clothes.

However, if being a tomboy means you have very short hair or if are demanding or disagreeable, your insecurities are justified and you should attempt to make appropriate adjustments by being more agreeable and/or letting your hair grow longer.

SnowedIn · Answer

What a great question.

I'd tell you a couple things that worked for me.

Ask yourself is what you're doing illegal, immoral, unethical, or otherwise wrong? The answer obviously is no.
Ask yourself who you're hurting? The answer obviously is no one.
Ask yourself are you happy? I suspect the answer is yes.

If those are your answers, then love the young woman you are. You have preferences and they're okay. Embrace them! 🙂

And it's also okay to sometimes feel insecure. So you look insecurity in its eyes and say, "yeah, I see you. F off!" and go on with your day.

Pyrofox · Answer

You can always just point out if your getting hassled by your parents over not being feminine enough. That you'll be girly and cute when you find the right person, that likes you for you and not the makeup covered bordering on alternate personality that a girl or woman puts on.

lightbulb27 · Answer

as you mature and understand yourself, you begin to accept yourself as you are and take responsibility for any changes you want to make, that you decide. It's a matter of loving yourself, being confident.

Practicing these is what helps. you can go to church to love god, other people and in essence, yourself.

you can meditate on these concepts

watch videos and read books to understand yourself and be ok. there is nothing wrong with you, just choices to make.

richardcory · Answer

Please feel free to enjoy behaving the way you want. If you live that way, people will respect and like you - because you will respect yourself.

Teenage years can be really tough - but it soon gets a lot better. You will find people who like and admire you for what you can do

slatyb · Answer

Realize that many man will be very happy with that. Maybe try joining outdoor activity groups that interest you. You will meet men who would love to have a partner to do those things with them.

I had the best sex of my life with a woman who wasn't very feminine.

Raperonzolo_Viv · Answer

Remember people around you need to be respectful about the way you are. Otherwise it is their problem.

BlackJeep · Answer

Do what makes you happy and own it. One isn't better than the other.

jahaims · Answer

Learn to have worth based on things other than others opinions.

QuestioningEvery1 · Answer

You just need a guy who loves that about you! I love all types of girls.

LimitedBenefits101 · Answer

Another wannabe man🥱

Aiko_E_Lara · Answer

Wave your gay flag and boom.

How can I stop being insecure about being a tomboy and not feminine enough?

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I’m a female that will be 27 this year. I am embarrassed about being single and never asked on a date. How can I stop being insecure and embarassed?

How can I stop being insecure about being a tomboy and not feminine enough?

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What Girls & Guys Said

I’m a female that will be 27 this year. I am embarrassed about being single and never asked on a date. How can I stop being insecure and embarassed?

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