Is this a sign things isn’t working?

[Anonymous]

My fiancee and I have been engaged for nearly a year and we been together for 5 years and 6 months total. Lately we been having disagreements I feel every other night. I love her and I definitely do have good memories with her and she makes me smile but half the time it just feels like it’s forced. I try to be patient with her but she gets agitated to easily. I feel sometimes she hold my past over me when I was unmotivated because it was a very hard period in my life losing family members, homelessness, etc. Sometimes in her eyes I feel she might think I’m lazy but honestly I’m just so jaded from all the trouble and traumas in my life. I would really hate to throw away 5 years and the fact my birthday just past and she gave me a wonderful picture book with our memories it just hurts man.

Updates

+1 y

The past year I been motivated to make things right and working and improving showing her I still love her plenty and even engaging to her.

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn bro, this is a really tough situation. Five years is a long time to be with someone, so I can understand why you don't want to just throw it all away. But it does sound like there's some issues brewing under the surface now.

A few things to keep in mind - people change a lot from when they first get together. After so long, you start to irritate each other more easily. That's normal.

But constantly arguing every other night isn't healthy. It seems like maybe you both have built up resentments over small things that are coming out now as frustration with each other.

Past traumas are also hard to get over. It's not fair of her to hold that against you if you're genuinely trying to work through it. You don't deserve to feel judged.

Have you guys considered couples counseling? A mediator could help you both air things out and learn to communicate better without fighting so often. Might give you new tools.

Also think about postponing the wedding for now. Don't rush into marriage if you're still working through problems. Give it some time and space to improve first.

Ultimately only you know if you've hit a brick wall together or if it's worth saving. Take care of yourself first, bro. I'm here if you need to vent more.

[Asker]

Yeah we done a big if therapy before but it was virtual. The stuff we argue over is usually minor as well. You are right about it turning into frustration. I’m just a tad bit tired now.

[Oliverlogan263]

For sure man, I get it. Arguing over small stuff all the time does get exhausting as hell. Couple things to try maybe:

- Actually sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Like not in the middle of an argument, but when you're both calm. Tell her straight up how you're feeling drained.

- Figure out the root causes of these mini fights. Might help to keep a log - what are you usually arguing about? Money? Chores? Families? Solve the actual issues.

- Consider trying in-person couples counseling if you can swing it. Virtual is better than nothing but face to face could help you guys connect more.

- Set some ground rules - like no going to bed angry, or bring up complaints respectfully not during heated moments. Cool off first if needed.

- PLAN a date night! Do something fun together where you're not stressing, just enjoying each others company. Reconnect on a positive note.

- Ask if she's willing to work on it too. If so, give it your all. If not, then you at least know you tried everything.

Hope some of that helps bro. You deserve to feel relaxed with your girl, not tired and drained. Feel it out more and decide what's really right for you in the end, aight? Stay strong.

[Mr_twoface]

Sorry to hear the patch your going through! My suggestion is to communicate as open and transparent as you can be, just like with us, to her. Share your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Tell her you don't want this 5 year relationship to end and you love her dearly. See how she responds and take it from there.

No one wants to be vulnerable and hear that one's relationship with their true love is ending, but if that is the case, do it with self-pride with maintaining the friend relationship moving forward. It's so much more rewarding to go separate ways as friends and who knows reconnect down the line than cheat or break up in a in a bad way. If she agrees there are fundamental problems, seek couples therapy if both are open for it. Otherwise, separate yet be there for one another. Both will undergo the same pain and sadness. Be there for each other!

Hope it works out man!

[Asker]

I hope so too I really appreciate your response

[Mr_twoface]

Please do update us if possible with the outcome.

[Asker]

So far it’s still really up and down