Is my friend toxic?

[Anonymous]

We've joined a research lab in July. I met her at the day of our admission and since we are residential scholars all the first year female scholars live in the same apartment (it's a fully funded program and our accommodation costs little to nothing). We both come from the same place and hence speak the same language (that's one reason we became friends). However, I'm noticing nowadays that she has a very weird habit. So, I'm trilingual and don't have any problem speaking English while she can't speak English. Now, whenever we're together and someone speaks to us in English, I usually respond and do the communication on the behalf of both of us. Later, I realized that she usually asks other people about those conversations to understand whether I understood and spoke the correct English. I asked her why she does it and she said: "you know, we're both from rural areas and we don't know English. It's better if I confirm the same with others." This surprises me, mostly because I'm conducting my research on a topic that requires me to have a strong grip of English and I have in fact a postgraduate degree in English Literature. This is just one part of the problem. In every other things she is insecure at, she drags me. For example, she's insecure of her height so she keeps on suggesting that we are insecure of our heights although I'm 6-7 inches taller than her. Every day she comes to me and tells me that since we're from a rural area, people hate us and that our colleagues and seniors at the lab make fun of us. Those people are absolutely normal around me. I have certain insecurities as well but I don't drag her. Is this a sign of toxic friendship?

[HollyK21]

Ok so it’s no longer the second week of school how it was the first time you posted this; now you’ve gotten to know her a bit better and these traits aren’t changing. So the question going forward would be if you think she’s a toxic friend then why aren’t you doing anything about it? Either talking to her about the bad behavior or cutting her off?


Nobody else has to agree or disagree with whether or not she’s toxic because at the end of the day, these are your feelings, your personal experience and you who has to deal with her. So if she’s doing things that don’t align with who you are as a person then either distance yourself or cut her out completely. I believe in your last post you said you were kinda shy/quiet or whatever, you also said you’ve been working on that. However, don’t let those traits keep you from standing up for yourself or protecting your boundaries. You don’t owe anyone your friendship or your time.

[Asker]

Yeah, I'm that same person. At that time I thought after reading some comments that it's important to spend some more time to understand how she really is before jumping to conclusions. It's still the same, I think I feel more bitter now. She somehow doesn't even let me move on either, every time she doesn't talk to me for a couple of days I don't initiate any conversations. Then she'd all of a sudden start talking like nothing happened, it's fine for a couple of days and again that same bossy attitude and weird behavior. You're right, I've to be strict at this point

[HollyK21]

You say she doesn’t let you move on but how would she know you’re trying to do that in the first place? Friends don’t talk for a few days sometimes, plus you’re both busy with school so I’m sure that gets taken into account as well. She has no idea you’re feeling any of this and tbh a conversation could make a whole world of difference. It really could. If you’re past that point and just want to be done, that’s ok, but remember do unto others as you’d want done to yourself. Imagine the confusion of being slowly ghosted by someone you thought to be your friend, visibly noticing something wrong but having no clue what you did. That would really suck. So like I said, you don’t owe anyone your friendship but ending things amicably rather than being avoidant because confrontation makes you uncomfy is always the more mature route.