She keeps blowing me off then apologizing what should I do?

[Anonymous]

So this girl I dated a while back is really great but she's starting to annoy me. I used to be crazy for this girl but she's become so confusing that I just need something to change. I'll ask her out and she'll agree, act excited, then blow me off last second. Then she'll apologize and start texting me. This has been the fourth time now. We make plans in person but they never come through. When I text her she takes forever to reply if at all. If it had been any other girl I would've quit trying ages ago. But if I go a few weeks without texting her she'll show up at my dorm with some bullshit excuse about why she needs my help. Last time she was too drunk to go home (she wasn't). The time before that she needed a place to do her laundry and I was the only one she could call (I wasn't). She's always talking about how her mother loves me (which she does) and occasionally does weird stuff like trying to see what our babies look like but I mention anything long term and she freaks out. I've known this girl for 4 years now. I've been by her while she had surgery, been her friend through I don't know how many breakups, and she even gave me an STI. She's always throwing out overly exaggerated compliments and telling me stuff to make me think I matter but it's all just words. Empty words. She's done everything from freaking out and blaming me for "abandoning" her after SHE dumped me to crying after I dumped her when she told me she cheated (this was weeks after I found out that she started dating me months before she stopped dating her ex). I either want her to date me like a normal person or go the fuck away. It's frustrating. It's like she knows I can't be mean to her. It's one of the reasons it takes me so long to date anyone in the first place but she's really stretching me thin. Honestly her mother is the only reason Im still even willing to try with her. She's an extremely fun person and a joy to be around but I just don't know what to do

[Arwens-Fire]

You need to cut the cord on this one... she is NOT going to change and it is NOT your job to change her. She knows there are NO consequences that STICK regarding her actions. She knows if you break up with her, you will go running right back. Sorry, but this is precisely why some girls are NOT attracted to the "nice" guys. Its because some of them have NO backbone, even though they are really "nice". So you will get stomped on and used. What's the big surprise here? You already know what to do, but you're not doing it because you're acting as though this girl is the only girl in the world! She knows she has your attention. And she also knows you're not going anywhere... because if you had more respect for yourself, you would have nipped this situation in the bud a long time ago.

Everything you have written above about this girl is a COMPLAINT. So if everything is a complaint, what time do you have to be happy with her? You're delusional as to what you WANT from her, and as to who SHE IS. You want her to change, but she is not. This is who she is to YOU, and the sooner you accept this TRUTH the better.

The only nice thing you mentioned about her is that she is "fun". Do you have any idea how many pretty, loyal, truthful, caring, respectful and FUN girls are out there? I assure you, enough for you to kick this chick to the curb! Staying with her is just doing yourself a disservice dude. And she is only disrespecting you because you are ALLOWING her to. People treat you only how you ALLOW them to. So if you want to continue being disrespected by her... stick around. If you want to end the cycle... end the cycle.

Good luck.

[Asker]

The problem is I can't. I've been trying to talk about this with her but she keeps bailing. I dumped her over text the first time and I've always regretted it. I told her I would never dump her over the phone again and I'm a man of my word. So I've been trying to see her so we could at least talk in person before I just cut the cord completely but she's been doing this whole last minute bailing and apologizing thing ever since. I even tried just leaving but she showed up at my house drunk and I feel shitty for even trying it.

[Arwens-Fire]

If you really wanted to end things, you would have dont it already. Anything different is just an excuse.

[Asker]

But that's just it I don't want to end things without trying to fix it first. It feels pointless and childish to just quit every time something isn't going right.

[Arwens-Fire]

Hahaha. .. fuck me? Booboo, whatever. You're offended by what's being said because its the truth. I don't have to resort to using profanity with you or anything like that... its quite pathetic. My opinion stands. Maybe one day you will wake up... or not and you will be right back here whining about something else.

[Arwens-Fire]

I'm not really phased by you getting upset. You're upset with yourself and the situation at hand... not me. So how about you project that anger at the person who is disrespecting you... instead of people that are trying to help you. If you didn't want peoples opinion on the matter, then why the hell did you come on here asking anything then? Grow up. Get some self respect and dignity. Right now, you lack both. But maybe overtime, you will improve yourself so maybe eventually other people won't be allowed to disrespect you. Get real.

[Asker]

You don't have to curse to offend. You're
At least 30 I just expected by now that you could deliver advice without calling someone weak and pathetic. And no I am upset with you. I took your advice and I'm trying to handle the situation my way but mocking someone while trying to give advice is probably the least helpful thing anyone could do.

[Asker]

Why would you come on here an answer a question on a site designed for people to express there troubles and mock a person telling them there pathetic and have no backbone like that's going to help encourage me to get myself out of this situation. Your trying to portray yourself as a helpful person giving advice but in reality you've been nothing but a jerk to someone simply asking for help.

[Arwens-Fire]

Are you delusional? In your response to ME out of your own anger, YOU said "fuck you", and the only reason that comment is no longer on this thread is because it was REPORTED. So dont try and make it look like I'm cursing at YOU out on this site. Lol... so you want to try and back pedal on what you said. If you FEEL you are weak and pathetic, those are YOUR words... NOT mine. So if you feel that way, its on YOU. Secondly, I could easily be 18 years old... you dont know. After all, this is the internet. The point is, you can take my advice or not. You can get upset or not. You can act like a victim, or not. You can allow your current situation to go on or not. Your call. I'm here to get an Amazon gift card. So do whatever you want. My delivery is blunt when I say something. I'm not into coddling anyone. So if you don't like it, tough. The truth hurts sometimes doesn't it?

You anger is NOT with me, your anger is with yourself. Take care.

[Arwens-Fire]

And P. S.

If I wasn't trying to assist in your situation, I would have gladly kept my response to one sentence. Or even better yet, told you to wait around for this girl... secretly hoping you would select my answer as best opinion like some people do. But I encourage YOU as I do any other user, if you find me profoundly annoying, then for the love of god... BLOCK me. That way, we will have no further interactions on this site. It would make things way easier for you by not having to hear from me. I more than welcome that solution. :)

I even used an emoticon to show you how serious I really am. And this advice goes for anyone else that feels the same. In a site with thousands of users, it would be a ripple in the water.

But I do wish you good luck.

[Arwens-Fire]

"wouldn't"

[Asker]

I was referring to my own cursing not accusing you. I said that you can offend without cursing because that is how I felt. I was not backpedaling I was merely stating that words can offend without them being curse words. You're profile says 30-35 so I assumed you were being honest my apologies.

[Asker]

*your

[Asker]

thank you for trying

[the_champ]

Regardless if Arwens comes off being a little abrasive and harsh she's right dude. 100% right. Cut this girl off right now.

[Arwens-Fire]

@thechamp
Most of my responses are for people to take responsibility for their role in situations... which is always taken hard and often refused. I think when people start to take responsibility for their role in something, then they will actually learn from the situations and grow. Hence harsh honesty on my behalf. My response has been railed on by the QA because I'm not just talking about the girls actions, but I'm also talking about HIS. No one elses response has all of these comments beneath it. And maybe all of these "words" back and forth will result in the qa making a good decision. But thanks thechamp for chiming in.

[Asker]

I agree you were right i did need to take responsibility. I also understand that both my actions and hers needed to be addressed. I've cut off all contact with her but I still stand by my point. You have good advice but I still disagree with how you delivered it. Telling people they have no back bone and they're pathetic is not encouraging people to stand up for them self it's punishing them by mocking them for trying to be caring. It's in the past now and I've moved on.

[Asker]

But if you don't mind me asking when would you switch from seeing a person as just another girl to seeing someone as something special? How can a marriage ever work if you always looked at the other person as just another replaceable person? I had a good relationship with this girl at first and I've spent all this time trying to get back to that because I considered her important to me. She still is but I'm no longer allowing myself to be in that situation. But for future reference. What's a better way of thinking about all of this

[Arwens-Fire]

QA,
Speaking to you has been nothing short of a debacle. I really have nothing more to say regarding your situation because you wouldn't be able to receive my opinion anyway without getting up in arms about it. Take care.

[Anonymous]

I was in a situation like this, but he was a man. He never kept his word, he always told me that we should meet up but never did anything about it, and as soon as I started drifting apart from him, he got me to snap right back by acting cute or doing nice things.
Basically, he was manipulating me to get my undivided attention and affection. So is this girl doing to you. You're an easy target because you let her flakiness slide. You don't confront her, and you don't stick to your ground when you do. You let her get away with everything. And that's why she's not going to change anytime soon.
You know what I did to this guy? After knowing him for a year and a half, after being on this massive roller coaster ride for all that time, I blocked him. I deleted his phone number. I didn't owe him an explanation. He treated me like shit and he used me simply to stroke his ego. And I stood my ground. He didn't even notice I was gone until 3 months later, when he tried to be angry at me but I told him that I just didn't care anymore. Know what he did? He didn't even fight at that point. He just vanished.
So, you could always do that. Or, if it's too harsh for you, just tell her that you're done with her trying to manipulate you. She's just after your attention, man. That's why she doesn't want to jump into a relationship with you. She won't change for you, please realize that. So unless you want to keep being her toy, tell her to knock it off and stop contacting you. That's the only way to solve this situation. You've been trying to fix it for 4 years. She's not allowing you to fix her. Just leave her.

[the_champ]

I'm sorry to say this man, but I've dealt with girls like this, and they just want your attention and love and and shoulder to cry on. You gotta cut her off she is just leaching off your emotions. She clearly can't appreciate you, and you letting her get away with stuff will not make her appreciate you anymore.

[InquisitiveMale]

Sorry but you have the relationship you created. Want something different? Find someone different.

And for future reference...

1st time is a grace.
2nd time is a warning.
3rd time reprimand.