As the exclusive Professor of the friendship-zone, I have put together a scientifically formulated scale rating of friendship-zone levels and their emotional devastation. My distinguished colleagues and I, at the University of Happy Hour........yeah...have formulated a scale rating based on qualitative data from our professor-like life experiences in the friendship-zone, quantitative data based on published books like Playboy, Zoo, FHM, websites like GAG, Reddit, Experience Project, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, and good old fashioned scientific observation that the University of Happy Hour happily provides (we thank Happy Hour for all the scientific observations it provides).
Side note and understanding the scale:
Scale is based on men’s experiences only. The game works differently for men and women, although there may be some overlaps.
For the phenomenon of emotional friendship-zone devastation to occur, the following elements need to be in place:
1) A guy needs to like a girl at some level. If not, this would fall in the zones of pure friend or enemy.
2) If the girl reciprocates his desire, it’s a relationship in whatever form (casual hook-up to deep relationship)
3) The Scale is based on the template for the Fujita Scale that measures tornado severity. Similar ratings, except that the Male EFD Scale is more useful, as emotional friendship-zone devastation effects more men worldwide.
(Emotional Friendship-Zone Damage) EFD Level 0: Almost Non-Existent to Very Light Emotional Disturbances
Very close to normal friends. In fact it is extremely hard to spot this relationship as it almost always looks like the guy and girl are excellent friends or acquaintances (or the guy may come off as gay). There isn’t too much deep conversations or deep interest involved and both parties are happy to talk shit. In the male’s head he doesn’t expect anything from the girl, doesn’t really want anything from the girl and the girl doesn’t show anything overtly to make him think otherwise in terms of love and relationships. However, sometimes the guy will think why she gets action and he doesn’t but not in a devastating way. He just wonders. It gets a little complicated when she screws a guy similar to him but never came for the said friend. Oh well. This relationship also exists when a guy has no hopes in hell of getting a girl. Like famous Actresses or Models, or that hot boss that is married to a major CEO of a company. The guy entertains the notions of having her, but knows it won’t happen and is easy to accept.
Steps to overcome it: Nothing much. Men usually just carry on. If something bugs you, a few beers and a friend will clear it up. A 5 minute p*rn scene should sort you out.
EFD Level 1: Light to Moderate Emotional Disturbances
This is when guys start questioning the said women, women in general and what is happening. This is the relationship where the guy may have a small crush on a girl and they know each other, but nothing really happens. She doesn’t feel anything for the guy or shows it but he does have something for her, and is characterised by the thinking “I reckon we would be good for each other”. She usually has a boyfriend or is a family friend that is distant, or that girl in school who you talk to but is involved with another (usually more popular) group. You still have that feeling that you probably wouldn’t get her at that time due to her status or looks or social situation (has a boyfriend) and you accept this, but you see her get other guys and it makes you a bit depressed. So its crap. But you can move on and a guy briefly entertains the notion that something may be wrong with him.
Steps to overcome it: Men usually move on. A few more beers and some good friends discussing the enigma that is women. Some laughs with the usual discussion ending of “women hey?”. A few more p*rn downloads will suffice.
EFD Level 2: Moderate to Peaks of Damaging Emotional Disturbances
Very similar to EFD Level 1, but the guy is usually closer to the girl as a friend and has a crush on her. She however doesn’t give anything away to make him think she has any invested interest in him in a romantic way. This is when girls start sharing some deeper stuff in their lives, like her high level boyfriend issues, girlfriend issues, some high level life issues (like maths class sucks), but the guy still isn’t at that level of going out with her as a close friend. Its usually a good school friend, work colleague, a friend you see often with your other guy friends or sister. The guy knows her, sees her frequently but is still not at that level to fully accept that she can be exclusively his (she is of a different status or too beautiful or has a boyfriend). So he can let go a bit easier but still it gets to him now and then. Questions like “why can’t I be hot like her?” or “why does she go out with that guy, and not me?” starts creeping in. He is generally fine, but has those days or reminders that he can’t get her.
Steps to overcome it: Few more beers with friends and more humorous discussions about women. A few shooters may be added. At this point men start questioning everything, look at magazines, GAG , and they even start asking their mom’s and dad’s about love and relationships. Most men survive this type of friendship-zone but have their moments of depression. A guy starts getting very acquainted with online p*rn .
EFD Level 3: Damaging Emotional Disturbances
Many guys have been to this level. This is the damaging level where not only do you have a crush or really like a girl, but she shows signs that sometimes overlap with relationship behaviour. Its emotional turmoil as she invites you out with friends, or she chats to you about really deep stuff, she asks you to help her out with homework, you even participate in activities with her like work projects, clubbing or movies, BUT she sleeps with other guys. You don’t know if it’s your looks, status or what, that makes her not go that extra level. Advanced Level 3 stages are when she dances with you as a guy friend to cock-block other guys (but doesn't do anything to you), she speaks about her sex life to you as a trusted friend, you share rooms and toilets etc. as friends (I personally had a very close relationship with a university friend like this), you know her family very well, she sees you for alone time like movies or other hang-outs and nothing happens, she may even have a boyfriend while doing all these things with you. The worst, and greatest indicator of this level is when she one day tells you “I wish all guys could be like you” while she complains about her last couple of boyfriends she has slept with. The said guy friend is additionally hit with turmoil of "should I stay or go?" Good friends don’t leave friends? but you hurting? but you not in a relationship? and he is in essence, trapped. This is the period where many men make changes. They either tell her how he feels, at the expense of being rejected and having a weird post-tell-friendship, or he looks into Pick Up Artists, or he goes to dad and mom and tells them their advice is crap, or he may start to realising something is not working.
Steps to overcome it: Plenty of beers and many shooters. Drugs and other forms of self-harm are common. The major hangover the next morning makes you physically feel like your emotional state and for once you are in balance. Guys find solutions like Pick Up Artists, or dad actually gives the son cold, hard advice about how the game actually works, bro’s try help each other out, some guys mentally block it out altogether with things like work projects and hobbies, or religion. A guy falls to his knees and thanks whoever created free p*rn on the internet.
EFD Level 4: Severe Emotional Disturbances
Major shifts in emotional psych that create all types of extraordinary men (for better or worse). At this point a man has either been friendship-zoned by somebody, where the relationship resulted in years of being stuck in EFD Level 3, or there has been shorter yet many instances of EFD Level 3 for the guy. Said man is usually in his early to mid-20’s without much experience in romance and affection. This however can go into the 30’s or 40’s for a guy. The good side: Men try harder, see through all the friendship-zone crap and don’t waste their time there, learn how to cope with being alone, and guys like Neill Strauss, other pick up artists, players and the like are born. Some men try become more talented in their work or skills or hit the gym, or the combination of these things. The common theme for these men is that they do these things to get a girl due to severe emotionally driven tendencies that were born from a lifetime of EFD Level 3. Necessity breeds miracles and these men hopefully come right. The bad side: men who still don’t get it become bitter, become more warped and have inner emotional turmoil. They may even “settle” for a girl they don’t truly like because they know that they are mere friendship-zone fodder for other girls. These guys and single guys in level 4 sometimes see prostitutes, not out of fun, but desperation. They may even find solace in religion. Some men put up their white flag and/or go gay. Either way, these men fit the label “damaged goods” from a life of friendship-zone. Life has clearly shown that they are not worthy of the opposite gender in a romantic way. Some don’t even make that many good friends and their minds are in a different place to everyone else.
Steps to overcome it: Serious drinking, many pub nights with a minority of men in the same boat. Psychology intervention, self-help books, religion, PUA groups, some men go into gangs or even ISIS to find a place in the world. You finally realise your dad is one lucky son-of-a-bitch to have mom because everything he taught you is wrong. You realise your p*rn addiction isn’t working and prostitution is a god-send to guys like you. Some guys can get out of this, some can't and those who do often have to reinvent themselves totally, contradicting the “be yourself” advice.
EFD Level 5: Utter Catastrophic Emotional Disturbances (also defined as the Bieber Uber Level of Doom)
The ultimate mental destruction. These are guys who have either never received any attention from the opposite gender, been in EFD Level 3 for so long without any changes, and have just snapped (leaving Level 4 out) or are usually the rare guy who compounds all the problems from Level 4 and never found solutions to their problems. Luckily it’s a rare to see guys in this level. By now most guys would have just accepted the fact they are not good with women and are happy to know they will be friends only (read an article about a guy who chopped off his penis because he thought there was no use for it) , or…Guys who let this manifest become so misanthropic as they realise that their mere existence in this world is not worthy of anybody. These are the guys who would make a song featuring Justin Bieber, Nikki Manaj, Iggy Azalea and Kanye West in one go!!! , these are the guys who come up with reality TV (like my super 14th Halloween party), these guys probably wrote the patriarchal religions. Their hell that started at EFD level 1 multiplied and grew, and soon it grew into a monster that most cannot destroy. They leak the first 4 episodes of Game of Thrones and club seals. At a minimum, these guys are not in society, they realised that their presence is not needed and sit at home, at a maximum, these dudes commit horrendous crimes and treat everyone as inferior due to their lack of superiority. They are carnage on legs.
Steps to overcome it: Serious intervention. Psychotherapy, 12-step programs, clinical hypnotising and cognitive therapy. These guys usually are already addicted to something (could be prostitutes, alcohol, drugs, gym, or a combination of all these things). They usually don’t fully realise their women potential and may become those single weird dudes or those old guys who are really bitter as their romantic soul was utterly eroded by a life of EFD 3 and EFD 4. I usually recommend good rock music;-)
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